007 or maybe even 8 or 9

The story:
Judi Dench claims her Casino Royale co-star is packing a weapon.

The combatants:
Defamer says: 007 emasculation watch: Judy Densch adds 'size queen' to her royal acting resume
CelebNewsWire says: Daniel Craig: The new John Holmes
Celebitchy says: Judi Densch says that Daniel Craig's pen1s is an absolute monster. Ow!
Reality Rant says: Pen1s Royale

Who said it best:
I think Celebitchy will definitely be at the theatre opening night:

When I read that all I could picture was the final scene in “Boogie Nights,” and I got a little woozy thinking about the possibilities for “Casino Royale.”

Tom can't get no love

The story:
Sumner Redstone continues his Tom Cruise bashing in the media, explaining in detail in a recent interview why he decided not to renew Cruise's contract with Paramount.

The combatants:
Yeeeah says: Sumner Redstone explains firing Tom Cruise
Defamer says: Sumner Redstone not done kicking around Tom Cruise quite yet
Popsugar says: Sumner still Cruise bashing
Dlisted says: Men and women everywhere hate Tom Cruise
Hollywood Rag says: Sumner Redstone: Tom Cruise was embarassing!

Who said it best:

Defamer has the inside track to Redstone's mindset:

Perhaps Redstone allowed himself to get a little caught up in yet another moment of airing his thoughts on the Cruise menace, clenching a liver-spotted, veiny fist, waving it in front of him, and promising to "sock that little punk in the jaw the next time I see him, on behalf of all the studios sick and tired of having their profit margins destroyed by runaway talent costs."

Brad the builder

The story:
Brad Pitt spent 15 minutes getting his picture taken at a Habitat for Humanity build in India.


The combatants:
Popsugar says: Brad builds habitats for humanity
A Socialite's Life says: Brad Pitt makes use of a hammer
Celebitchy says: Brad Pitt only worked for 15 minutes while Jimmy Carter contributed all day
Dlisted says: The house that Brad built

Who said it best:
Dlisted has bigger concerns than how long Pitt spent at the build:

Okay, that’s fine and everything…but shouldn’t he be doing this shirtless

Another one bites the dust

The story:
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have separated.

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Reese and Ryan have Witherspooned and died!
Celebrity Hijinx says: It's 49 in dog years
Defamer says: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe's wholesome Hollywood Camelot crumbles
CelebNewsWire says: Reese and Ryan break up, a nation weeps
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: The seven year itch
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are done
Popsugar says: Reese and Ryan split???
A Socialite's Life says: Breaking: Tracey Flick admits defeat
Celebitchy says: Ryan and Reese separate
Tabloid Whore says: Reese and Ryan officially separate
Lainey Gossip says: The death of sunkissed illusion: Reese and Ryan over
Mollygood says: Oh no! Reese and Ryan Split! Pout.
Egotastic says: Reese Witherspoon is soon to be single
Dlisted says: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split
The Superficial says: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe split

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip wonders where the blame will fall:

Speculation will now undoubtedly spread like wildfire – why, when, who, how, and the MiniVan Majority will most likely blame Angelina Jolie.

Get your dead celebrity costumes out!

The story:
Bill Maher dressed as the Croc Hunter for a Halloween party on the weekend.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Bill Maher as Steve Irwin
Mollygood says: He kids the croc hunter, he kids
Celebitchy says: Is Steve Irwin fair dinkum game now?
Dlisted says: Offensive?
Best Week Ever says: Clearly Bill Maher doesn't read BWE.tv
The Gilded Moose says: Breaking: Bill Maher briefly funny
The Superficial says: Bill Maher makes fun of the dead

Defamer says: Bill Maher wins 'too soon' award in local costume contest

Haute Gossip says: Loser

Who said it best:

Best Week Ever is offended, but perhaps not why you may think:

On Friday we begged you– pleaded with you– to avoid dressing up as The Crocodile Hunter this Halloween weekend. Not because it’s too soon (we don’t believe in “too soon.” we’re working on our Red Auerbach costume as we speak), but because it’s too hacky and cliched.

Stick-ole hits the deck

The story:
Nicole Richie reportedly collapsed while partying at Hyde over the weekend.

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Nicole Richie collapses
Tabloid Whore says: Did Nicole Richie collapse?
A Socialite's Life says: Girls gone crazy
CelebNewsWire says: Nicole Richie who does not have an eating disorder collapses
Mollygood says: Pull yourselves together girls
Celebitchy says: Nicole Richie is still partying and fainting
Dlisted says: The Richie hits the floor
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Nicole Richie passes out
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie collapses
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie passes out

Who said it best:
Dlisted is not overly concerned with this latest turn of events:

I’m sure Nicole passes out on a daily basis. When you don’t eat actual food that feed your body nutrients and protein this sort of thing happens.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Fully loaded again

The story:
Lindsay Lohan was freaked out by the stalkerazzi, and called the police from her vehicle at 6:45am.

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Lindsay Lohan should not drive
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay Lohan snaps
CelebNewsWire says: Lindsay is paranoid and they are following her
Mollygood says: Pull yourselves together girls
Lainey Gossip says: Lilo & Nicole unravelling together
Dlisted says: What kind of costume is this?
Hollywood Rag says: Lindsay Lohan gets chased

Who said it best:
Poor Lindsay! At least CelebNewsWire sympathizes with how she got that party girl image:

There's a reason Lindsay Lohan has to stay out all night partying: When she leaves she's followed and harassed by paparazzi, and sometimes they even try to run her car off the road like she's Marissa Cooper or something. It's just safer inside Hyde.

Image via Lainey Gossip

Kfed may be cancelled

The story:
Kfed's concert at Webster Hall (NY) may be cancelled due to slow ticket sales.

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline might not be as great as he thinks he is
Gawker says: Selling as well as expected
Mollygood says: Britney takes her mind off Kfed's failing career
Dlisted says: They can't cancel Kfed!!!
Hollywood Rag says: Britney Spears soars while Kfed bombs

Who said it best:
Mollygood thinks there must be a good reason for the slow sales:

Clearly, all we needed was a simple reminder. I'm sure this show will be sold out in no time...so get your tickets now and be sure to tell me all about how the show is. Too bad I've gotta wash my hair that night.

Image via Popsugar

To the pound!

The story:
Snoop Dogg was busted at Bob Hope Airport for having a gun and marijuana in his car.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Snoop Dogg arrested
Defamer says: Snoop Dogg arrested at Burbank airport, maintains guns and weed are neither liquids nor gel
Popsugar says: Snoop Dogg arrested
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Snoop Dogg is predictable
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: The Man's got Snoop down again!

Who said it best:
Noone is surprised about this latest turn of events, and Mandy's Mind Is Gossipy seems to think it's overkill at this point:

Ok, Snoop we get it! You're hardcore! You have enough street cred for your whole posse. Now it's time to just sit down with a blunt and relax for awhile.

Image via Dlisted

Not even her bum is hungry

The story:
Nicole Richie checked in to rehab to see why she isn't gaining weight.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie seeks weight help, is a liar
Celebrity Hijinx says: Anorexia Chronicles: excuses, excuses
Popsugar says: Nicole's in rehab but doesn't have an eating disorder
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole Richie seeks treatment for nutrition issues
Mollygood says: Nicole Richie checks herself into center for (hamburger) help(er)
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie needs help eating
CelebNewsWire says: Nicole Richie gets help with chewing and swallowing
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie in a fat camp to get fat
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Nicole Richie is seeking treatment to gain weight
Yeeeah says: Nicole Richie doesn't have an eating disorder

Who said it best:
The Superficial ain't buying what Nicole's selling:

I'd buy that it's her metabolism or genes except that I've seen what she used to look like. Her natural state is that of rotundness. Pretending this is a medical condition is about as believable as claiming it's the work of a magical fairy named Butterscotch she found in her attic.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

Butt muncher

The story:
Brad Pitt entertained his Babel co-stars between takes by giving himself a wedgie and walking like a duck.


The combatants:
Defamer says: Cate Blanchett graciously feigns hysterics at Brad Pitt Babel set antics
Popsugar says: Brad Pitt cracks up his co-stars
I'm Not Obsessed says: Brad Pitt has a case of hungry bum
A Socialite's Life says: Male camel toe
The Superficial says: Brad Pitt pranks himself
Hollywood Rag says: Brad Pitt has a hungry butt
Dlisted says: Brad Pitt's hungry butt

Who said it best:
Defamer relays Angelina's reaction to Pitt's antics:

Less amused than Blanchett at Pitt's high-waisted antics was Angelina Jolie, who, upon being introduced to Pitt's "Hungry Bum" for the first time, sat stone-faced for several moments before delivering an earnest and impassioned lecture on how the two of them should be spending less time clowning around, and more time starting a foundation to help ensure no other bums go hungry ever again.

Image via Dlisted

No Moore saggy knees

The story:
Demi Moore had plastic surgery on her knees.


The combatants:
Popsugar says: Demi's body cost a lot of money
A Socialite's Life says: Demi Moore continues her body upgrade
Celebitchy says: Demi Moore got cosmetic surgery - on her knees
Yeeeah says: Demi Moore has fat saggy knees
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Demi Moore has new knees

Who said it best:
Yeeeah understands Demi's need for maintenance:

There is nothing worse on a woman than a set of flabby, sagging knees. I can look past a lazy eye or a hairlip or even cystic boils, but knee flab? Please.

Image via Popsugar

She'll beat a bitch (again)

The story:
Naomi Campbell arrested yet again for assault, this time on her drug counselor.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Naomi Campbell never not beating people
Tabloid Whore says: Naomi Campbell scratches the shit out of her therapist
Popsugar says: Naomi attacks and arrested again
A Socialite's Life says: Naomi Campbell's hands of mass destruction strike again!
Mollygood says: My question is, why was Naomi Campbell's drug counselor stealing her jeans?
Yeeeah says: Naomi Campbell can't stop hitting people
Celebitchy says: Naomi Campbell scratched a drug counselor on the face and chest
Dlisted says: Naomi Campbell, please report to the principal's office
Hollywood Rag says: Naomi Campbell arrested for scratching

Who said it best:
Dlisted thinks Naomi better be very choosy about who she picks on next:

One day Naomi is going to mess with the wrong ghetto bitch. Seriously, I want one of those chicks just to take her down. Is Shanna Moakler looking for a job?

Image via Celebitchy

Madonna tells all to Oprah

The story:
Madonna appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show to tell her side of the adoption story.


The combatants:
Defamer says: Madonna tells fellow rich lady messiah she did it all for the children
Popsugar says: Madonna tells all to Oprah
A Socialite's Life says: Madonna on Oprah
Lainey Gossip says: The truth about Madge and Ange
The Gilded Moose says: Madonna emerges from secret volcano; uses mind control to take over Oprah's audience
Dlisted says: Madge to cry on Oprah today
Hollywood Rag says: Madonna: adopted boy's father was manipulated

Who said it best:
Is there a simple explanation for the mix up? A Socialite's Life believes so:

I'm hoping that her defense on Oprah is that she'll happily show her receipt for the baby to anyone who doesn't believe it's hers. Maybe the problem is that they simply forgot to remove that little sensor thing. That happened to me at the GAP once.

Limbaugh thinks MJF is fakin' the shakin'

The story:
Rush Limbaugh thinks that Michael J Fox stopped taking his Parkinson's medication before filming a stem cell research ad in order to appear as sick as possible.


The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: The Daily Douche: Rush is retarded, as usual
The Superficial says: Rush Limbaugh is an asshole
Defamer says: Rush Limbaugh almost positive Michael J Fox will drop the Parkinson's act if somebody yells 'fire'
Popsugar says: Rush Limbaugh is an a**hole
A Socialite's Life says: Rush Limbaugh's an ass
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Rush Limbaugh has it all figured out
Dlisted says: Fakin' the shake?
Hollywood Rag says: Rush Limbaugh disses Michael J Fox

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life may have found the reason behind Limbaugh's attack:

And I can honestly feel sympathy for Rush, because I know--unlike most people--that he also suffers from a grave affliction against which he has no defense--diarrhea of the mouth. That's also why his head's so puffy and swollen--because of all that shit just dying to get out.

Image via Dlisted

High price Hilton

The story:
Paris Hilton is looking for someone to pay her $100,000 (plus expenses) to host their New Year's Eve party. Carmen Electra is a relative bargain at only $50,000 for the night.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton looking for work
Popsugar says: Paris Hilton is overpriced
Celebrity Hijinx says: New Year C*ntdown
A Socialite's Life says: Rent-a-tramp
Mollygood says: Own a piece of Paris for a cool 100 grand
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton is just plain greedy
Dlisted says: It will cost you another $100,000 to have her stank removed
Hollywood Rag says: Buy Paris Hilton or Carmen Electra

Who said it best:
For $100,000 Mollygood thinks you may get more than you bargained for:

Sure, Paris Hilton is really only looking to get paid a hundred grand to host the party, but it's not like you wouldn't end up with a piece of her--be it in vomit form, used thong, discarded shipping heir, crabs for everyone, or even Nicole Richie's carcass, there'd be something to remember her forever by.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

It really is a boy

The story:
Britney Spears new baby is a boy named Jayden James Federline according to the birth certificate filed October 24th.


The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: JJ Federline is Dy-No-Mite!
The Superficial says: Jayden James Federline is a boy
Defamer says: Britney Spears second baby remains enshrouded in mystery until inevitable first child welfare visit: UPDATE
Popsugar says: Britney baby mystery solved
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears' baby is a boy and he's not named Sutton
Tabloid Whore says: Sutton Pierce who? Right sex, wrong name
Lainey Gossip says: Kevtwan is a Jayden
Mollygood says: It's (still) a boy for Britney and Kevin
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Sutton Pierce is Jayden James
Dlisted says: RIP SPF2
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Unsolved mysteries: Britney Spears edition
Hollywood Rag says: Britney Spears baby is not Sutton Pierce

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever may have found the inspiration behind the name:

According to the official Birth Documents TMZ obtained through their shadowy network of Public Record Operatives, the Spears-Federline’s newest little cheetoh is actually named Jayden James Federline, and will henceforth be referred to by us only as “JJ” or “J-Fed”, and always succeeded by the popular 70’s sitcom catchphrase, “Dy-no-mite!”

Image via TMZ

Jake's jiggly Gyllen-bits

The story:
Recent photos of Jake Gyllenhaal were rather revealing in the pants area.

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Jake Gyllenhaal shows off his penis
A Socialite's Life says: Jake Gyllenhaal's anatomy
Mollygood says: Jake Gyllenh...All the boys on display
Dlisted says: Panty creamer of the day: Jake Gyllenhaal
Towleroad says: Jake Gyllenhaal sets it free
City Rag says: Jake Gyllenhaal goes commando

Who said it best:
City Rag shows some sympathy:

Poor little Jake Gyllenhaal. Despite tricky manuevers, he can't make a move these days without a mob of photogs taking close-up shots, followed by careful scrutiny from his fans. These recent candids of him walking in NYC's West Village take it to new level and show Jake likes a little wiggle in his walk...

Date set for stage 2 of Katie's contractual duties

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have set a wedding date.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Cruise and Holmes invite tabloids to nuptial snipe hunt in Italy in mid-November
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are really getting married
Lainey Gossip says: Cruise confirms everything
A Socialite's Life says: Let the countdown begin
Mollygood says: Suri Cruise: bastard child no more
Dlisted says: The world will end on November 18th
Hollywood Rag says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes set wedding date
Tabloid Whore says: Tom and Katie: a wedding date is announced
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: It's official! Hell to freeze over November 18th

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip knows the big event will bring out the big stars:

Three weeks of mounting anticipation, three weeks of stirred frenzy, three weeks of travel plans for pappies, three weeks of Cruise Countdown, and three weeks for Victoria Beckham to lose another 5 pounds - she always does before big events, didn't you know?

If you saw the video, you won't be surprised

The story:
Nick Carter claims former girlfriend Paris Hilton is a dud in the sack, and takes her own pot with her when she travels.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nick Carter says Paris Hilton is a drug smuggler
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton's sex problems
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton: drug smuggler
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is always high
Yeeeah says: Paris needs pot to put out
Hollywood Rag says: Nick Carter: Paris hid weed in teddy bear

Who said it best:
Sometimes having an std named after you can pay off. Egotastic focuses on why there is no celebrity justice in this story:

It's a little odd that those drug sniffing dogs wouldn't pick up the scent of marijuana on her, but they probably couldn't smell it through all that Eau de Skank.

Image via A Socialite's Life

George Clooney is hot

The story:
George Clooney may be shorter than you think.


The combatants:
Faded Youth says: Shortcomings
Popsugar says: Clooney gets a lift
Lainey Gossip says: Rethinking Little George
Mollygood says: Height is a state of mind, Clooney

Who said it best:
Mollygood is looking for a job as Clooney's publicist:

See, it's not that George Clooney is short and has to stand on a box in order to look taller than Gemma Ward in the Vanity Fair shots of which this in an outtake. It's just that Gemma Ward is really, really tall. And the ground is on a little bit of a slant. And her heels are high. And that hair. And...and...and...

Image via Popsugar

Ass flap

The story:
Nicole Richie showed some butt while table dancing at Area.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie flashes her panties
Egotastic says: Nicole Richie upskirt saved by underwear
A Socialite's Life says: It's not Paris
Mollygood says: Name that. Ass Flapjack
CelebNewsWire says: Nicole Richie shocker: Ass fat!
Dlisted says: Get off the damn table!!

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire must have read my mind:

We are shocked that Nicole Richie has enough body fat to fashion a cushion in the assal area.

Baby shambles

The story:
Kate Moss is pregnant by boyfriend Pete Doherty.

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Say it ain't so
The Superficial says: Kate Moss is pregnant
Gawker says: Kate Moss pregnant and engaged
Popsugar says: Is Kate Moss pregnant?
A Socialite's Life says: Say it ain't so
CelebNewsWire says: Kate Moss to produce world's first 95% cocaine baby
Lainey Gossip says: Kate sings, Kate pregnant?
Mollygood says: Kate Moss / Pete Doherty baby: worst idea ever
Celebitchy says: Kate Moss to have Pete Doherty's crack baby
Dlisted says: Crack baby alert!
Agent Bedhead says: Kate Moss knocked up with Pete Doherty's love child
Yeeeah says: Kate Moss is having Pete's baby

Who said it best:

A Socialite's Life might be ready for a new medical career:

Bad judgement seems to be the most potent fertility drug, now doesn't it?

Image via Lainey Gossip

Rehab for Mr Kidman

The story:
Nicole Kidman has had Keith Urban check into rehab.


The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Nicole checked Keith into rehab
Popsugar says: Keith Urban checks into rehab
A Socialite's Life says: Keith Urban enters rehab
Tabloid Whore says: Keith Urban checks into rehab
Lainey Gossip says: Keith Urban: Rehab and the rumours
Dlisted says: Keith Urban in rehab
Celebrity Hijinx says: The honeymoon is officially over
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Kidman's husband enters rehab

Who said it best:
Dlisted knows not everybody feels badly for the Kidmans:

Somewhere in space, Tom Cruise is loving this.

Image via Celebitchy

Lilo moves on

The story:
Lindsay Lohan moved out of the Chateau Marmont, but left some belongings behind.



The combatants:
Defamer says: Eight ball apparently not among parting gifts Lindsay Lohan left Chateau Marmont staff
A Socialite's Life says: What did Lindsay Lohan leave behind in her Chateau Marmont suite?
Mollygood says: They're just so tired from Lindsay's incessant tapping

Who said it best:
Defamer comes up with a winning headline and commentary:

We're sure Lohan spent her last night as a Chateau guest clutching a rolled-up hundred-dollar bill, re-sniffing over every surface (coffee table, toilet tank, Gideon Bible, what have you) in that suite upon which she blew a rail, making sure that every last grain of powder was leaving with her.

Straight to video--again

The story:
Paris Hilton is ashamed of her new movie.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is a huge star
Popsugar says: Is Paris going straight to video again?
A Socialite's Life says: Paris lets loose another stinker
Celebitchy says: Paris ruins movies and men's careers
Dlisted says: Parasite Hilton is one big flop
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is too good
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton would rather party

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life wonders where the capacity for shame came from:

All of a sudden she thinks she's too good for shitty movies? That's like her signature style. It would be like if all of a sudden Robert De Niro decided never to do another mafioso role again. Unnatural, I tell you.

Image via Dlisted

Someone's gay and someone's fired

The story:
TR Knight announces that he is gay and Isiah Washington might be canned for outing him.


The combatants:
Defamer says: Grey's Anatomy choke-gate drives tv doctor from closet
Popsugar says: Will Dr Burke get kicked off Grey's?
A Socialite's Life says: By George, Grey's Anatomy actor TR Knight confirms he's gay
Tabloid Whore says: Sorry ladies, TR Knight likes the boys
Pen15 Club says: Who knew TR stood for Top Reciprocating?
Celebitchy says: Nasty gay slur behing Gray's on-set fight
Dlisted says: I'm not sure who TR Knight is, but he's come out
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Grey's Anatomy gets gay

Who said it best:
Pen15 Club wonders about the possible domino effect of Knight's admission:

We wish Knight the best, and we hope his courage inspires others in his situation - *cough* Neil Patrick *cough* Harris - to follow suit.

Image via Tabloid Whore

Do you wanna be my mother?

The story:
Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice are expecting a baby.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Scary Spice is pregnant with Eddie Murphy's child
A Socialite's Life says: Scary and Donkey have a baby on board
Tabloid Whore says: Eddie Murphy knocks up Scary Spice
CelebNewsWire says: Spice up your womb
TMZ.com says: Scary Spice pregnant with Eddie Murphy's baby
Hollywood Rag says: Eddie Murphy and Mel B might have twins

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire has discovered the master plan behind this latest celeb pregnancy:

We think we've figured out The Spice Girls' evil plan: to take the pop world by storm in fifteen to twenty years with Spice Kids. It'll be just like The Osmond Boys, only with five scary stage moms instead of just Marie. Look for offspring from Sporty and Baby, TK fall '07.

Image via Hollywood Rag

Given the chance I'll bet you would too

The story:
Ellen Barkin announced that she had sex with George Clooney.


The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Yes Barkin's f&cked Clooney
Defamer says: The first rule of George Clooney fuck club is you never talk about George Clooney fuck club
A Socialite's Life says: Ladies love George Clooney
CelebNewsWire says: CNW Junk Drawer: "Yes, I have f_cked George Clooney
Hollywood Rag says: Ellen Barkin bleeped George Clooney

Who said it best:
While Defamer definitely has the best headline, CelebNewsWire's cynicism turns gossip into so what:

Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

Better get some soap on a rope

The story:
Wesley Snipes has been indicted on charges of tax evasion.



The combatants:
The Superficial says: Wesley Snipes steals from the government
Defamer says: White men can't jump, but they can write a pretty good tax evasion indictment
A Socialite's Life says: Snipes penal problem
Tabloid Whore says: Wesley Snipes indicted on tax fraud
Celebitchy says: Wesley Snipes is on the lam
Seriously? OMG! WTF? says: Wesley Snipes indicted on 8 counts of tax fraud
Hollywood Rag says: Wesley Snipes didn't pay his taxes

Who said it best:
Celebitchy takes a shot at Snipes' career:

Holy crap, Wesley Snipes owes 12 million in back taxes to the US Government, and he’s on the lam. It’s just like one of his movies, and if I could remember any of them to reference I would.

Image via Tabloid Whore

England gets another immigrant

The story:
Madonna's newly adopted baby arrives in England from Malawi.


The combatants:
Defamer says: Madonna's African coup nears completion
Popsugar says: Madonna adoption, part 308
A Socialite's Life says: Madonna buys baby
Best Week Ever says: Kiss my black orphaned ass you old whore
Celebitchy says: Madonna breaks a man's heart
Dlisted says: Move over Zahara, there's a new African baby in town
Tabloid Whore says: Meet Madonna and Guy's new little man
Hollywood Rag says: Here's Madonna's boy

Who said it best:
Is there more to this story than just adoption? Defamer thinks so:

His arrival brings the makeshift British matron's African impulse-shopping spree to a close, having yielded her a children's charity, a high-court grant for a temporary adoption, and, presumably, an inside track to usurping the country's highest seat of power; once she's rechristened the country Madgelawi and turned "Justify My Love" into its national anthem, she can finally rest knowing that Angelina Jolie is weeping into her pillow about just not having tried hard enough.

Image via Hollywood Rag

Doors re-open at the Hilton

The story:
Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connelly have broken up.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nicky Hilton breaks up with Kevin Connelly
Popsugar says: Kevin Connelly no longer part of Nicky Hilton's entourage
A Socialite's Life says: Where do broken hearts go?
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: Nicky Hilton free to whore around like Paris Hilton
I'm Bringing Blogging Back says: Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connelly kill it
CelebNewsWire says: Lock your doors, another Hilton sister on the loose
Celebitchy says: Nicky Hilton and Kevin Connelly split

Who said it best:
Gotta love CelebNewsWire's take on why this story is getting coverage:

About once every three months or so Nicky Hilton begs big sis Paris to lie low for a couple days, go for a series of colonics at that nice spa in Palm Springs or fall off a table while she's dancing so she has to have a bit of bed rest, so that Nicky can nab a little piece of the Hilton press pie, in order to sell Tweety-bird themed clothing or a hotel or cowboy hats with Nicky spelled out in rhinestones or some such crap. This time around Nick's using her Paris-free day for a little break-up publicity.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Post-cheeto Britney emerges

The story:
Britney Spears was photographed out shopping.



The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Nice work Brit
Popsugar says: Britney is back!!!
Mollygood says: No really, that's Britney Spears
Celebitchy says: Holy crap look at Britney!
Dlisted says: Britney's back
Lainey Gossip says: Britney emerges
Celebs and Stuff says: Who the hell is this?

Who said it best:
Dlisted is not overly enamoured of Brit's new look:

Homegirl got a makeover and by makeover I mean full lipo and a tummy tuck. I miss the platform flip flops and hot pink gypsy skirts! Let's hope this is just a one-time show and the old, elegant Britney will come back. I mean she's not even holding a Starbucks!

Image via Popsugar

Pop with prop

The story:
Ben Affleck was photographed on the beach with his daughter Violet.




The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: How sweet is this photo?
Lainey Gossip says: The transformation of Ben Affleck
Popsugar says: Ben's two loves
A Socialite's Life says: Who's your daddy?

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip doesn't want you to go overboard on the "ahhh" factor:

I'm not going to start fanning myself like they do on Oprah but this is pretty frickin' cute

Image via Lainey Gossip

In the poor house

The story:
Brandon Davis reportedly bounced a $10,000.00 cheque to Joe Francis.

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Brandon Davis is broke
A Socialite's Life says: Greasy hits some hard times
Mollygood says: Brandon Davis sadly unable to fulfill topless barely legal's desire
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Brandon Davis is fat and poor
Dlisted says: Maybe Firecrotch can give him a loan
Yeeeah says: Team Firecrotch is poor
Best Week Ever says: Thank you Karma: Brandon Davis gets his
Janet Charleton's Hollywood says: We told you so!
Haute Gossip says: BigGreaseHead needs cash

Who said it best:
Yeeeah has a plan to get Brandon back in the black:

Really, if sweat were legal tender, I’m sure you’d be the richest bastard in the West.

Image via Mollygood

Nat and Nat, sitting in a tree

The story:
Natalie Portman is reportedly dating billionaire Nat Rothschild.


The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Celebrity Clone, Natalie Portman edition
The Superficial says: Natalie Portman dates billionaire Nat Rothschild
Egotastic says: Natalie Portman's billionaire British boyfriend
Popsugar says: Natalie's new man
Celebitchy says: Natalie Portman scores Petra Nemcova's billionaire man

Who said it best:
In case you'd forgotten the power of the Rothschilds, Celebrity Hijinx brings you this reminder from So I Married an Axe Murderer:

Stuart: Well, it's a well known fact, Sunny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

Tony: So who's in this Pentavirate?

Stuart: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eye! And that smug look on his face, "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

Image via The Superficial

Did you mean Johnny Carson?

The story:
Page Six mistakenly printed a picture of Carson Daly for a story about Carson Kressley.

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Carson, Who?
Popsugar says: Wow, Carson sure looks different
A Socialite's Life says: Is this Carson Kressley?
Best Week Ever says: Page Six slams Carson Daly from behind
Dlisted says: I didn't even notice

Who said it best:
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I guess Page Six is the winner here (and be sure to check out the lovely picture of Carson Kressley they put up when they fixed the error).

Image via Dlisted

Hilary all growed up - has her own stalker!

The story:
Hilary Duff filed a restraining order against two men who she claims are stalking her.



The combatants:
The Superficial says: Hilary Duff is being stalked
Popsugar says: Hilary's scary stalker
A Socialite's Life says: Hilary Duff and Joel Madden live in terror
Tabloid Whore says: Hilary Duff stalked by homeless Russian
Yeeeah says: Hilary Duff has a stalker
Mollygood says: Hilary and Joel have not a stalker, but multiple stalkers
CelebNewsWire says: Hilary Duff: too important for just one stalker
Celebitchy says: Hilary Duff terrified by stalkers
Dlisted says: Somebody's trying to kill Hilary Duff!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Hilary Duff and Joel Madden might die
Hollywood Rag says: Hilary Duff is running scared

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life has some advice for any would be Duff-stalkers:

These two dudes are in for a rude awakening. Because Ms. Duff looks nothing like her rosy-cheeked Lizzie McGuire personna. Have you seen her lately? Sunken cheeks, lank hair, lust for human brains so that she can keep mindlessly shambling across the countryside. The only way to kill her nowadays is with a swift decapitation. And her mouth would still be opening and closing and trying to brainlessly discuss her shitty new movie and maybe eyeliner. Take note, potential stalkers.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Madonna adopts. No really, we mean it this time. Sort of.

The story:
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have been granted an interim adoption order for a 1 year old boy named David.



The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Will Madonna make up her mind?
The Superficial says: Madonna officially on the road to adoption
Defamer says: Madonna's adoption-denying publicist currently drafting vaguely worded denial of denial
Tabloid Whore says: Madonna or Angelina?
Celebitchy says: Madonna has filed to adopt Malawian boy amid controversy
Showbuzz says: Madonna and Guy adopt boy from Malawi
Dlisted says: Madonna's new purchase will live here

Who said it best:
Tabloid Whore would like you to put some serious thought into this story:

Now for the more important question. Even though both choices are good, if you were an orphan, who would you rather have adopt you...Madonna or Angelina Jolie
and why?

Image via Celebrity Hijinx

Just say no to sexy male dancers

The story:
Kfed doesn't want Britney to have any sexy male dancers in her music video as he is afraid of being replaced.



The combatants:
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Kfed is desparate
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline is insecure
Mollygood says: Note to world: Kfed was not Britney's back-up dancer. Also, I'm a huge loser
Popsugar says: Is Kfed insecure?
A Socialite's Life says: Kfed looking to keep gravy train from being derailed
Best Week Ever says: While you were freaking out
CelebNewsWire says: Kevin wants Britney fat and surrounded by women
Gabsmash says: Kfed tells Brit "Boys ain't allowed"

Who said it best:
The Superficial may have found the real reason for Kfed's supposed insecurity:

So all this time I thought Britney Spears was just letting herself go when it was really Kevin Federline fugging her up so nobody else would want her. Well played, Federline. Well played.

Floppy hats are back in fashion

The story:
Michael Jackson was seen in St Tropez 'disguised' as a woman.



The combatants:
Defamer says: Michael Jackson hits the streets of St Tropez in mom jeans and pumps
A Socialite's Life says: It's a drag for Michael Jackson
Tabloid Whore says: Michael Jackson dressed as a chick or just some random lady?
Mollygood says: Morning Mess: Jacko's fancy shoes
Celebitchy says: Michael Jackson dressed as transvestite in St Tropez
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Michael Jackson sure is purty
Dlisted says: Miss Jackson if you're nasty!
Hollywood Rag says: Michael Jackson becomes a woman

Who said it best:
Defamer praises Jacko's parenting:

No high heels or handbags for little Paris however--until the young lady is a little bit older, those accessories are just for daddies.

Image via Dlisted

Tara's plastic surgery sag-a continues

The story:
Tara Reid scores an US Weekly cover talking about her boob troubles.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Tara Reid regrets not clarifying what she meant by "just make them bigger, ok?" for her doctor
Popsugar says: Tara's bad boobs
The Superficial says: Tara Reid talks about her messed up body
Pen15 Club says: Everybody hates Tara's tits
A Socialite's Life says: Tara Reid cops to plastic surgery nightmare
Tabloid Whore says: Tara Reid admits her boobs and belly look like shit, lands a cover
Lainey Gossip says: Tara Reid: Ghetto tit regret
Mollygood says: Tara Reid parlays self-inflicted body tragedy into magazine cover
CelebNewsWire says: The Ballad of Tara Reid's boobs: a tragedy
Celebitchy says: Tara Reid comes clean about her botched plastic surgery
Dlisted says: Tara Reid gets a cover of a magazine!
Yeeeah says: Tara Reid surgery shocker

Who said it best:
Popsugar isn't buying Tara's story:

She asked for Bs - oh please - those things ended up being more than Cs.

Image via US Weekly Online

Grey's Anatomy of the Fist

The story:
Fisticuffs broke out on the set of Grey's Anatomy.

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Violence breaks out between co-stars on set of Grey's Anatomy
Best Week Ever says: Paging Dr Toughguy
Defamer says: When hunky TV doctors clash
Popsugar says: Dr McDreamy vs Dr Burke
A Socialite's Life says: What? What! WHA?!
Lainey Gossip says: Dr Burke: real life egomaniac?
I Don't Like You In That Way says: McDreamy got choked out

Who said it best:

A Socialite's Life prefers the drama at Grey's stay on the screen:

I'd much rather hear that everybody on "According to Jim" is hooked on meth, running around, trying to cut a bitch, cause really, that would actually make that show somewhat interesting.

Image via Best Week Ever

What I meant to say was...

The story:
Mel Gibson mea culpa's with Diane Sawyer.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Mel Gibson still working on damage control
Defamer says: The Mel Gibson Redemption Tour: Part 1, drunkards and monsters
Popsugar says: Mel is still sorry
Best Week Ever says: Mel-o-drama
Tabloid Whore says: Diane Sawyer interviews Mel Gibson
Hollyscoop says: Mel's first interview details
Gabsmash says: Mel Gibson speaks up
Dlisted says: Mel Gibson should eat his own bullshit

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever hazards a guess to how the interview will play out:

“No, I’m glad we’re doing this too. Now, do you have any more questions SugarTits?”

Image via Popsugar

Mystic tan

The story:
Angelina Jolie is now filming A Mighty Heart, where she plays Mariane Pearl.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Celebrity Clone - opposite look
Defamer says: Angelina Jolie a little less caucasian looking than the day she first showed up on set
Dlisted says: Angelina Jolie as Mariane Pearl
Popsugar says: Brad and Angelina have a Mighty Heart
Tabloid Whore says: Angelina morphs into Mariane Pearl
Mollygood says: Angelina acts, is surprisingly convincing
Celebitchy says: Angelina Jolie in 'blackface' for "A Mighty Heart"
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Angelina Jolie has a tan

Who said it best:
Dlisted is not enamored of Angelina's wardrobe:

Jennifer Aniston was originally slated to play the widow. Just like she stole her man, Angie stole her role too. Ugh, that would've been terrible. Angelina looks like she's ready for the remake of Flashdance.

Blonde Ambition tour of shame

The story:
Jessica Simpson is starring in her own version of Clueless, telling Jimmy Kimmel she is doing a movie with Owen Wilson.

Image via Mollygood
The combatants:
The Superficial says: Jessica Simpson makes up movies for her to star in
Popsugar says: Jessica thinks she's Luke's next co-star
A Socialite's Life says: Joe Simpson blows smoke up his daughter's ass
Mollygood says: Jessica Simpson makes world embarassed for her, again
Egotastic says: Jessica Simpson is kinda clueless
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Simpson is ambitious
CelebNewsWire says: Jessica also believes that Joe is the undisputed God of Texas

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire manages to take a shot at all 3 Simpsons:

We hear Papa Joe has a knack for convincing his daughters of things
that are completely untrue. After all, someone must have told Ashlee she had a
really pretty voice.

Kfed gets Pop-a-zao-d!

The story:
Kevin Federline does a guest spot on CSI and takes a shot to the gut.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline makes his acting debut
A Socialite's Life says: TV in the morning: Kevin Federline on CSI
Tabloid Whore says: Watch Kevin Federline on CSI
Mollygood says: Weekend moving picture: Kfed on the TV
Defamer says: Kfed's acting career off to an auspicious start
Dlisted says: And the emmy goes to...
Celebrity Hijinx says: Kfed's typecast for the $5 role

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life would like to see more of Kfed on the small screen:

The scene moved me to tears people. Would anyone else like to recreate that for us?

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

The story:
Paris Hilton opened her purse at Fashion Week to reveal a small bag of pot inside. Surprisingly, no condoms or antibiotics were visible.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Paris loves her some herb
Gawker says: Paris Hilton hearts Mary Jane
Popsugar says: Paris shows off her stash
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton needs to be in jail
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton goes to pot
Hollywood Tuna says: Paris Hilton likes rolling her own smoke
Mollygood says: Well, she had just left Amsterdam
Defamer says: Bag of weed probably only the third most illegal item in Paris Hilton's purse
Janet Charleton's Hollywood says: Sneak peek
Celebitchy says: Is Paris' purse full of pot?
Dlisted says: Arrest this ho
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton's weed stash
Celebrity Hijinx says: I spy something illegal
Yeeeah says: Paris Hilton's little green bag
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton has bags of pot in her purse

Who said it best:
Haute Gossip isn't buying the publicist's spin:

It makes sense doesn't it? She's missing more than a few brain
cells and now we know why. To be honest, I totally like her more now.

Eva takes another hit

The story:

Eva Longoria was injured on the set of Desparate Housewives again, this time when she slipped on the way out of her trailer.

Image via Yeeeah

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Eva Longoria is clumsy
Defamer says: 'Desparate Housewives' demonic set not done swatting around Eva Longoria
Popsugar says: Eva follows the new celeb trend
A Socialite's Life says: Billy Bush blogs about injuring Eva Longoria
Hollywood Rag says: Eva Longoria gets bruised
Yeeeah says: Eva Longoria should be dead

Who said it best:
Yeeeah seems to have found an explanation for Eva's repeated clumsiness on set:

Somebody at ABC must have it out for her — I wouldn’t be surprised if she discovered a dead fish wrapped in newspaper on her doorstep next week. Because everybody knows the mafia hates “Desperate Housewives.” And everybody also knows that Teri Hatcher hates Eva Longoria. So the only logical conclusion here is that Teri Hatcher is actually a hired gun for the mafia.

Fugly baby on the way

The story:
Tori Spelling is pregnant.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Defamer says: Tori Spelling's current glow not brought to you by mystic tan
Tabloid Whore says: Yeah, yeah, Tori Spelling officially knocked up
Lainey Gossip says: Kfed Jr, miracle worker
CelebNewsWire says: Tori Spelling prego-210
Babelogs says: There's a bun in Tori Spelling's oven
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Tori Spelling is pregnant

Who said it best:
Babelogs has the child's best interests at heart:

Let’s hope Tori Spelling is a better mother than she is an actress.