Friday, April 28, 2006

Pete Doherty is an idiot (as if you needed futher proof)

The story:
Pete Doherty was photographed injecting heroin into an unconscious female groupie.

Image via Dlisted
The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Pete Doherty injects smack into unconscious girl
Dlisted says: Pete Doherty is a hero!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Pete Doherty likes to share
Popsugar says: Throw Pete in jail forever
The Superficial says: Pete Doherty injects drugs into people
Perez Hilton says: He don't like the drugs...

Who said it best:
You've got to love IDLYITW's sarcastic take on a sad situation:
Okay, so can someone please explain to me why this lunatic isn't being forced to taste test penises in prison for the rest of his life? Not for being a deranged drug addict, but for wasting all that heroin. Take it from me, when girls are already unconscious, they'll always say yes.


The View gets a little gayer

The story:
Extra reports that Rosie O'Donnell is replacing Meredith Viera on The View.

Image via popbytes
The combatants:
Popbytes says: Rosie will co-host The View!
Glitterati Gossip says: Rosie O'Donnell pulls up a chair on The View
Dlisted says: Star Jones is shaking in her Payless Shoes!
Popsugar says: Rosie to join The View
Defamer says: We're going to need a bigger couch: Rosie to join 'The View'
Celebrity Hijinx says: A Lesbian View
Perez Hilton says: Rosie O'Donnell to replace Meredith Vieira on The View

Who said it best:
Dlisted takes the headline (I feel another Celebrity Bitchslap coming on!), and Celebrity Hijinx says what's on everyone's mind:
I figured they'd go for someone a little..say...younger, thinner and straighter.


Thursday, April 27, 2006


The story:
Heather Locklear and Denise Richards are no longer friends, now that Denise is dating Heather's ex Richie Sambora.

Image via A Socialite's Life
The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: The one about the Heather and Denise feud
A Socialite's Life says: Denise Richards is dead to Heather Locklear
Glitterati Gossip says: Heather Locklear not surprised
The Scoop says: Does Locklear blame Richards for her divorce?
Popsugar says: Denise's ulterior motive
The Superficial says: Heather Locklear not pleased with Denise Richards

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life points out the obvious answer to their headline:
I'm sure Charlie Sheen feels the same way.

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Go directly to jail. Do not pass go.

The story:
Michelle Rodriguez chooses jail time over community service.

Image via A Socialite's Life
The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Michelle Rodriguez behind bars. That's right.
A Socialite's Life says: Michelle Rodriguez is still an odd bird
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Michelle Rodriguez is in jail
Popsugar says: So long Michelle Rodriguez
Celebrity Hijinx says: Aloha jail
The Superficial says: Michelle Rodriguez going to jail

Who said it best:
The Superficial nails it with this analysis:
It makes sense she would choose jail over community service since she always looks like she just got ouf of prison anyway.


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Is she, or isn't she?

The story:
Britney Spears is pregnant with her second child, and she cried her eyes out in February when she found out.

Image from US Weekly via Dlisted
The combatants:
US Weekly Online says: US Exclusive: Britney - yes, she's pregnant!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: It looks like Britney is pregnant again. Again.
Popsugar says: Britney pregnant again?
Tabloid Whore says: The Brit preggo train takes off again
Perez Hilton says: Breaking Fast: Britney is pregnant! For real!
The Superficial says: Britney Spears is really pregnant
Celebrity Hijinx says: Told ya so
Defamer says: World surprised it took Britney Spears this long to get knocked up again
The Scoop says: Report - Britney Spears is pregnant again
Dlisted says: Is Britney pregnant?
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears pregnant with her second child

Who said it best:
While US Weekly had the scoop, IDLYITW definitely had the winning headline. Aren't we all just a little tired of this story?

Tabloid Whore wins the story war, and sums up my feelings nicely:
Well, it's been a whole couple weeks since a magazine has put a "Britney Spears Is Pregnant" declaration on their magazine, so leave it to US Weekly to break that tabloid dry spell.

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He said, she said...and then we said "Who Cares?"

The story:
Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest are feuding - or are they?

Image via Glitterati Gossip
The combatants:
Glitterati Gossip says: Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul duke it out for diva status
Perez Hilton says: War of the Roses
Defamer says: Paula Abdul and Ryan Seacrest join America in hating each others guts
US Weekly Online says: Seacrest denies feud with Paula
Dlisted says: I've been living under a rock

Who said it best:
If you're not sure who to believe in this feud / not a feud, Defamer sums it up best:
And while we're sure much of the show's name-calling and gay-baiting is all in good fun, in this instance, we tend to buy Seacrest's version of events--our reasoning being that the host would never distance himself from a heterosexual woman in the pages of a celebrity glossy unless it was absolutely necessary.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Brad and Angie beg for privacy

The story:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have asked the media to respect their privacy while they await the birth of their child in Namibia.

Photo from OK Magazine via JustJared
The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: The Infangelina
Popsugar says: Just leave Brad and Angie alone
US Weekly Online says: Brangelina wants you to step off
A Socialite's Life says: Leave Brangelina alone
Lainey's Entertainment Update says: Angie and Ann in Africa

Who said it best:
It's hard to choose, as I am so over the Jolie-Pitts and would gladly never set eyes on either of them again, but I like Lainey's attitude:
So is it the 'NO press' Pitts…or is it the 'Press when it suits us' Pitts???

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Brit is K-Fed up

The story:
Even Britney didn't want to listen to Kevin Federline's new cd in Vegas.

Image via Smells Like Snark
The combatants:
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney Spears didn't come
Glitterati Gossip says: Thomas Dolby: K-Fed thinks he is above the law
Popsugar says: Spears a smoking no show
A Socialite's Life says: Britney a no-show at Kevin Federline's listening party
Tabloid Whore says: Federline, don't piss the wifey off. Yo
The Superficial says: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline split in Vegas
Dlisted says: A bust-up in Vegas

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life sees a glimmer of hope for Britney:
While Britney may not be the brightest bulb, she did shine when she made the decision to skip his album listening party on Friday at Pure in Las Vegas.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

It's getting down and dirty

The story:
Denise Richards files a lawsuit, claiming Charlie Sheen abused prescription drugs, is a compulsive gambler, frequented prostitutes and liked to look at male and female pornography on the Internet.

Image via Tabloid Whore
The combatants:
The Bosh says: "Abusive" Charlie Sheen barred from Denise Richards
The Superficial says: Charlie Sheen wants to kill Denise Richards
Celebrity Hijinx says: Denise's divorce drama
Defamer says: Denise Richards drops bomb on Charlie Sheen
Perez Hilton says: "Charlie wanted me to get an abortion"
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Charlie Sheen is insane
US Weekly Online says: Denise Richards shocker - Charlie beat me . . . and likes porn, too!
A Socialite's Life says: Denise Richards levels new charges at Charlie Sheen
Tabloid Whore says: Denise Richards alleges Sheen threatened to kill her

Who said it best:
While Sheen definitely comes out as the baddie in this one, IDLYITW has some advice for Denise next time she hooks up:
Top relationship counselors agree that when your potential husband, whose ex-girlfriend was a porn star (Ginger Lynn) and made plans to fake her death or when he shoots his previous fiancee (Kelly Preston), you should immediately get married and have children. They also believe that being charged five times for drug possession and once paying $15,000 for a blowjob, is a sign of his maturity. It's okay to love him despite his faults, but don't be surprised on your honeymoon when the Russian hooker gets broken and the phrase "bring out the gimp" comes up.

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Friday, April 21, 2006

Doherty's Groundhog Day

Image via A Socialite's Life
The story:
Sometime Kate Moss boyfriend Pete Doherty was re-arrested for possession just three hours after getting out of court on drug charges.

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Pete Doherty is a train wreck
The Superficial says: Pete Doherty arrested again after sentencing
Perez Hilton says: Pete Doherty - unluckiest man alive!
A Socialite's Life says: Pete Doherty arrested for possession just hours after leaving court

Who said it best:
Once again The Superficial wit wins out:
On a side note, how did this ugly monkey of a man ever bag Kate Moss? Sharing a love of cocaine is one thing, but vomiting everytime you look at the guy is another.

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Newlywed no more

Image via Smells Like Snark
The story:
In Nick Lachey's recent interview with Rolling Stone, he talks about the end of his marriage to Jessica.

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nick Lachey wishes he caught Jessica Simpson cheating
Celebrity Hijinx says: Ruminations by Nick Lachey
US Weekly Online says: Nick tells all!
Perez Hilton says: Nick Lachey - "Joe Simpson is evil"
Defamer says: Nick Lachey admits he was fired from his marriage
Lainey Gossip says: Nick Lachey's perfect move
Popsugar says: Nick's sensitive interview

Who said it best:
The Superficial is all about true hard-hitting journalism:
"Would it be totally inappropriate if I claimed Jessica Simpson cheated on Nick Lachey with her father? I don't have any sources or anything, but I do have a sneaking suspicion."

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Mission Possible released

Image via The Gilded Moose
The story:
The TomKitten arrives.

The combatants:
Perez Hilton says: Baby Cruise is born, given alien name
The Bosh says: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have a girl
Lainey Gossip says: Hello little Sci
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes give birth to Suri
Celebrity Hijinx says: Katie gave birth on the moon!
Defamer says: Silent Blockbuster - Tom Cruise's miracle baby finally arrives
Popsugar says: Baby Cruise is here!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Katie Holmes finally gave birth
US Weekly Online says: A Girl for Katie Homes and Tom Cruise
Dlisted says: It's barley water for baby Suri
The Gilded Moose says: Tom Cruise baby spawned, Los Angeles UNDER SIEGE

Who said it best:
Lainey deconstructs the Cruise PR machine:
"At press time, there are no details surrounding the birth, though not for lack of trying. Textbook Scientology stealth, if you ask me. All of a sudden they're dating. Then she's pregnant. Then she gives birth and abracadabra gay poofter - Mission Impossible 3 is due out in just 2 weeks. His timing is impeccable, non? Impeccable and yet more than a little suspect."

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Future housewife seriously desperate for attention

Image via Dlisted
The story:
Eva Longoria might be marrying Tony Parker, she's tired of the media focussing on her sex life, and she says she's not as dumb as we think.

The combatants:
US Weekly Online says: Woman from Giant Desert Bikini Photo Spread Wants You to Take Her Seriously
Dlisted says: Eva LongWHORIA wants us to shut up!
Perez Hilton says: No longer LongHOria?
Defamer says: Eva Longoria much smarter than anyone gives her credit for
Lainey Gossip says: Eva Longoria: would this bitch shut up???

Who said it best:
Lainey tells it like it is:
"And now that she's getting a little taste of film life, all of a sudden she's reinventing her vampy image, claiming she doesn’t understand why she's always asked about her sexual proclivities, blaming 'media spin' for turning her into a perceived horny snatch.

So now she's a 'serious' actress with something to prove? Bitch, shut the f&ck up."


K-Fed up with pimp image

The story:
Mr Spears says that the pimp image foisted on him by the media is helping his music "career" and that his relationship with Britney is for-evah.

The combatants:
Popsugar says: KFed doesn't believe in divorce
The Bosh says: Kevin dishes to Spin
Dlisted says: KFed loves being a pimp
Glitterati Gossip says: KFed thinks Nick & Jessica deserve heartbreak

Who said it best:
While Popsugar correctly points out that KFed is "really smart about the fact that he landed Britney Spears", Dlisted wins this showdown:
"If anybody is the pimp in that relationship it's Britney! I mean, KFed gets an allowance for fucksake! How embarrassing is that? He has to like ask his wife for $20 to rent a movie from Blockbuster!"
Maybe he could do some chores around the house to earn a little extra pocket money.


Monday, April 17, 2006

Extreme Makeover: Celebrity Edition

Image via Defamer
The story:
Brad Pitt gets a mohawk and a new tatoo, becomes more like Angelina and the kids.

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Brad Pitt gets a mohawk
Defamer says: Pitt assuages Maddox's fears about new sibling
Perez Hilton says: How does Brad show his love?
The Bosh says: Brad Pitt really loves Angelina Jolie

Who said it best:
Defamer wins the headline showdown with their astute observation about the motivation behind this makeover, and The Superficial takes this battle storywise:
"Remember when he would show up in a room and all the women would literally explode because he was so hot? Well that doesn't happen anymore. Now they just point and whisper, and wonder if the leathery-skin looking guy with a mohawk is going to sexually assault them later."


Thursday, April 13, 2006

Josh Holloway is one honest guy

Image via Celebrity Hijinx
The story:
Josh Holloway says he thought about dumping his then-fiance when Lost started to take off and he became famous.

The combatants:
US Weekly Online says: Actor Josh Holloway not gettin' any tonight
Celebrity Hijinx says: Husband of the Year
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Josh Holloway will probably end up divorced

Who said it best:
Keeping with the honesty theme, IDLYITW has this advice for Josh:
There is something to be said for sticking by the woman who still let you lick her when you were living with your sister and paying your dues as a fluffer's personal assistant, but can you really afford to be married while Wilmer Valderama is going through every piece of your well-earned Hollywood kitty like the value menu at Taco Bell?


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Uncle Toothy!

Image via Celebrity Nation
The story:
Maggie Gyllenhaal and boyfriend have become engaged and are expecting.

The combatants:
Perez Hilton says: Jake GyllenHO to be an uncle
Celebrity Hijinx says: Big Gay Uncle
Glitterati Gossip says: Maggie Gyllenhaal is engaged
The Superficial says: Peter Sarsgaard knocks up Maggie Gyllenhaal, marries her

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx points out what's most important about this story.

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Baby fall down go boom

Image via Popsugar
The story:
Sean Preston reportedly fell out of his high chair and fractured his skull.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Britney Spears' parenting skills vs. gravity
Perez Hilton says: Ooops, he fell on his head
The Superficial says: Sean Preston Spears falls on his head
Celebrity Hijinkx says: They simply cannot become more PWT
Popsugar says: Sean P is home "safe"
IDLYITW says: Britney would do anything to protect him, Part 2
US Weekly Online says: Child Services sent to Britney Spear's house
Dlisted says: SPF, you in danger!

Who said it best:
Dlisted hits the mark with their headline and this:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are continuing in their bid to become parents of the year!


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Security gone too far?

Disney image via Dlisted
The story:
Paparazzi may have to dodge lions among the security detail surrounding Angelina Jolie in order to get the first photograph of Baby Jolie-Pitt.

The combatants:
Perez Hilton says: Headline of the Week
Defamer says: Paparazzi await birth of Jolie and Pitt's messiah
Dlisted says: Simba and King Mufasa to protect Brangelina!
Popsugar says: Lions to protect Angelina
The Bosh says: Lions Protect Pregnant Hollywood Star Angelina Jolie and boyfriend Brad Pitt

Who said it best:
Despite being awarded a million demerits for using that cursed mono-moniker, I love Dlisted's Disney tie-in and photo.

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Grumpy old man promotes movie

Image via Defamer
The story:
Michael Douglas says he didn't say what GQ says he said, namely: "I don't know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean, how long is that going to last?"

The combatants:
US Weekly says: Douglas denies Brangelina quotes says: Michael Douglas sets the record straight on Brangelina
Popsugar says: Michael Douglas covers his ass
Defamer says: Michael Douglas denies having said thing he probably said
The Superficial says: Michael Douglas says he didn't say stuff

Who said it best:
Defamer, for noting that this non-quote was "the diss heard 'round the world." Honourable Mention to The Superficial for working the word "whippersnapper" into their story.

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Another apple falls from the tree

Getty Images (2) via US Weekly
The story:
Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to a baby boy named Moses over the weekend.

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Fishsticks has a guppy
The Superficial says: Gwyneth Paltrow gives birth to Moses
Popsugar says: Welcome Moses Martin
Perez Hilton says: World Exclusive! Gwyneth and Chris welcome a baby boy
US Magazine Online says: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin welcome a baby boy!
Dlisted says: Moses?!

Who said it best:
I am sad to report that not everybody took this opportunity to mock The Gwyneth and her choice of names - some offered what might even be construed as actual congratulations. For shame! I expect better of you people! However, we can always count on The Superficial:
It must have been tough for them to try and pick a name even worse than Mortimer or Capone, but I think they really outdid themselves.

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

Parasite's album won't make you puke

Photo via IDLYITW

The story:
Paris Hilton is releasing an album.

The combatants:
The Bosh says: Meet Paris Hilton - the delusional pop star
Defamer says: Paris Hilton cd may not be as bad as we want it to be
More Conversations About Famous People says: Mother Paris is burning

Who said it best:
Love The Bosh's headline, and storywise it's a draw between MCAFP
"Paris Hilton is ready to release a little something. Not a horde of crabs set free from her thong but an album that’s been in the works for three years."
and Defamer
"If the beat is catchy enough, maybe we won't have to tear out our ears the first time we hear "Stavros on the Bottom (Herpes Club Remix)" blasting out of a Bentley parked outside Privilege."
Perhaps Paris is just too easy a target - the jokes just write themselves.


Friday, April 07, 2006

Whack-Job Supermodel vs 200lb Lesbian

Image via The Superficial

The story:
Rosie O'Donnell wants to give more than just a verbal smackdown to repeat abuser Naomi Campbell.

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: I'll smack a bitch
Hollywood Tuna says: Rosie O'Donnell wants a piece of Naomi Campbell
The Superficial says: Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell

Who said it best:
Gotta love Celebrity Hijinx' improvised dialogue in the headline. The Superficial and Hollywood Tuna both note that a repeat abuser like Campbell would likely win this celebrity death match, and I'll give this one to H-Tuna for this:
You know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see Naomi Campbell beat Rosie O’Donnell’s with a cell phone.
I can think of a few other celebs to add to that list!

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Skank-ho bitchslaps Toothpick

Photo by Getty Images via US Weekly Online

The Story:

Paris Hilton says that Nicole Richie is just jealous of all the attention Paris receives.

The Combatants:
The Scoop says: Paris blasts Nicole as jealous and pathetic
US Weekly Online says: Note to Paris - nobody cares anymore
Popsugar says: Paris bashes Nicole
The Bosh says: Paris Hilton = Mega Bitter Bitch

Who said it best:
Honourable Mention to US Weekly for noting that nobody really cares anymore if these 2 are friends and why they aren't. However, top headline here goes to The Bosh - tell it like it is!

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

Simon just says no to Bag of Bones / Maybe-Gaybe relationship

The Story:
Simon Cowell calls Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest's faux relationship, subtly outing Seacrest in the process.

The Combatants:
Popsugar says: Did Ryan already lose the beard?
Defamer says: Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest fighting like girls again
Glitterati Gossip says: Teri and Ryan and Simon - Oh My!

Who said it best:
As much as I hate all things Idol, I love Simon for publicizing this shiteous PR stunt for what it was. Kudos to Popsugar for not trying to top Simon's awesome line - if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

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"Friends With Money" friend defends "Friends" friend

The Story:
Catherine Keener tells Jill Rappaport to lay off Aniston-Vaughn marriage rumours.

The Combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Bitter with baggage seeks same
Glitterati Gossip says: Jen makes the rounds
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jennifer Aniston won't answer
The Bosh says: Jennifer Aniston stops talking - for a minute

Who said it best:
The story was lame, but Celebrity Hijinx came up with a winner of a headline.


Houston, we have a problem

The story:
Whitney Houston's sister-in-law claims Miss Thang is not only cracked-out, but also gay and addicted to sex toys.

The Combatants:
Dlisted says: Whitney is a beast for pussy
The Bosh says: Whitney Houston loves lesbian sex
Perez Hilton says: New Whitney scandal - crack turned her into a power dyke

Who said it best:
The win has to go to Dlisted - truth in journalism people!


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Stone lacks class

The story:
Sharon Stone flew first class from NY to LA while her 9 month old son sat in coach with the nanny.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Sharon Stone's baby flies hospitality class
The Superficial says: Sharon Stone is the best mom ever

Who said it best:
Headlines are neck and neck, but Defamer wins with this line of copy:
"we have a hard time condoning her habit of using a small-dog cargo cage to transport Laird on and off her many air travel commitments"