Newly-divorced

The story:
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's divorce became final today.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: It's official: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are divorced
Tabloid Whore says: Nick Lachey officially a single man!
Mollygood says: D-day for Nick and Jessica
Dlisted says: The end of an era
Popsugar says: Nick moves on

Who said it best:
Mollygood is obviously a romantic at heart:

The bifurcation of Simpson/Lachey is obviously a blow to love as a concept. I'm sure Nick is too busy giving it to a slew of women to comment. Jessica, on the other hand, is just crying in the corner.

Family feud

The story:
Tori Spelling blames her mother Candy for depriving Tori of the chance to say goodbye to her father before he died.

Image via US Weekly

The combatants:
Lainey Gossip says: It's on bitch!
Popsugar says: Tori Spelling finally lands a cover
US Weekly Online says: Tori's sad farewell
Dlisted says: Where was Tori?
Tabloid Whore says: Tori Spelling learned of daddy's death via blackberry
Haute Gossip says: Tori plays the blame game
Janet Charleton's Hollywood says: Notorious controversy
Defamer says: Candy Spelling: Why can't my media whore daughter let us hate each other in private?

Who said it best:
There doesn't seem to be much sympathy for Tori out in the blogosphere. Lainey has ideas on how karma might bite her on the ass:

Here's hoping she ends up having to actually work for a living. It's not sufficient moral justice but it's definitely a good start.

Star is outta there!

The story:
Star Jones Reynolds announced she will be leaving The View after 9 seasons. She later told People magazine that her contract was not renewed and she feels like she has been fired.

The combatants:
Dlisted says: Star Jones announces the obvious
A Socialite's Life says: Star Jones claims she was fired from The View
Tabloid Whore says: Star Jones to announce this week she's getting the hell outta The View
Best Week Ever says: The View's falling Star
Mollygood says: A room with no 'View' for Star Jones
Janet Charleton's Hollywood says: She's ready for her close up
Pen15 Club says: Pop the cork on that bottle of gravy: Star Jones Reynolds fired from The View
Celebitchy says: Star Jones says she was fired from The View
US Weekly Online says: Star Jones leaves big chair to fill on The View
Popsugar says: Star was fired
Defamer says: Star Jones leaves 'View' to spend more time with gay husband
The Superficial says: Star Jones gets fired

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever manages to perfectly describe Star's announcement:

If you didn’t catch this morning’s two minutes of faux affection and genuine awkwardness as Star Jones formally announced her long forseen departure from The View, here’s the clip so that you can more closely examine the nuances of her co-hosts’ Oscar-worthy portrayals of supportive friendship, and then lament the fact that you’ll never get to see Star and future host Rosie O’Donnell angrily try to eat each other to death.

And now we can stop talking about them

The story:
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were married in Australia over the weekend.

Image via People

The combatants:
US Weekly Online says: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban marry
The Superficial says: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban get married
Celebrity Hijinx says: Nicole is so Urban
Haute Gossip says: Congrats Nicole
Defamer says: Nicole Kidman and Marcia Cross marry men over the weekend
Popsugar says: Nicole and Keith's wedding album
CelebNewsWire says: Here comes the botox
Mollygood says: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are totally doing it tonight
Tabloid Whore says: Wow. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at their wedding
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's wedding
Lainey Gossip says: Nicole and Keith are married

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire reminds us that we have been in a real gossip drought lately:

For the past week or two all we heard about was the impending wedding of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. And we really didn't care. So what's changed now that they have officially become international superstar and househusband? Nothing really

Here comes the prenup

The story:
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finalised the details of their prenuptial agreement in time to get married this weekend.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Dlisted says: Nicole and Keith's prenup woes
Celebrity Hijinx says: A country weddin' down under
The Superficial says: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban do the prenup
Defamer says: Nicole Kidman in love, not stupid
Popsugar says: Nicole's prenup
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Nicole Kidman makes the rules
Celebitchy says: Nicole Kidman's sensible prenup

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx and IDLYITW both managed to find the romance in the situation:

Isn't that romantic? The sweet smell of a prenup on a warm summer day. [CelebHijinx]

As most of us would agree, nothing says "I love you" quite like a prenuptial agreement. [IDLYITW]

Not knocked up, thank you very much

The story:
Reese Witherspoon is suing Star Magazine for printing a cover story alleging the actress is pregnant.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Reese is pissed and she's suing
The Superficial says: Reese Witherspoon sues Star
Defamer says: Empty-wombed Reese Witherspoon sues tabloid claiming otherwise
Popsugar says: Reese sues Star over pregnancy story
US Weekly Online says: Reese Witherspoon sues Star Magazine over pregnancy story
Dlisted says: Reese is not pregnant, just fat
A Socialite's Life says: Reese Witherspoon not pregnant and suing Star Magazine
Mollygood says: Reese not pregnant, doesn't appreciate being called fat

Who said it best:
Mollygood tries to cheer Reese up:

Hey, look on the bright side, Reese--at least no one has ever called you a bad mother for three issues straight. Or talked about your contracting STDs. Or cheating on your husband. Or getting in a catfight with Lindsay Lohan at a club. See, things could be so much worse.

Diddy really have Lindsay thrown out?

The story:
P Puffy Diddy Daddy had his security people remove Lindsay Lohan from the VIP section of club Butter because she was being loud, obnoxious and not sharing her table with him.

Images via US Weekly Online

The combatants:
Mollygood says: Catfight of the day: Lohan vs Diddy
Best Week Ever says: Prince & Diddy & Linds & Paris
Tabloid Whore says: Diddy puts Lohan in her place...right out the frickin' door!
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay Lohan clashes with Paris Hilton and Sean Combs
Dlisted says: Blohan vs Parasite, round 3 or 4
US Weekly Online says: Lindsay's fight with Diddy
Popsugar says: Lohan vs Diddy
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan gets kicked out of Butter
CelebNewsWire says: Lindsay Diddy hissyfit
Lainey Gossip says: The Firecrotch vs. The Free World

Who said it best:
Mollygood shows good instincts in picking a winner:

In a cagematch to the death, I might have to give this one to Lohan over the Diddy. She's had some intense club/bathroom line-based tussle training recently and it's probably been a while since the Dids has had to fight a 90 lb chick.

The Wicked Stepmother

The story:
Tori Spelling fired a couple of verbal shots at her gold-digging hubby's ex-wife while at the Much Music Video Awards.

Image via Page Six

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Tori's got pull
Celebrity Hijinx says: NoTORIously scandalous
Tabloid Whore says: Tacky Tori Spelling. Very tacky.
Dlisted says: Tori Spelling is still jealous
A Socialite's Life says: Tori Spelling brings out the claws
Lainey Gossip says: Tori Spelling out for blood

Who said it best:
Haute Gossip reminds us of all the good things that Dean sees in Tori:

I guess stealing her husband and father of her children wasn't enough for Tori, she's going to keep reminding her who has the fatter wallet and that the fatter wallet always wins.

Britney does Dateline, the aftermath

The story:
Dateline producers were surprised when they arrived to find Britney Spears did not have a publicist or stylist present for her interview with Matt Lauer.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: So many wrongs
The Superficial says: Britney Spears really needs the help
Defamer says: Britney Spears gives PR team the wrong day off
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney Spears needs help
Dlisted says: Britney needs help
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears had no handlers for 'Dateline' interview
Mollygood says: Britney Spears was somehow allowed to dress herself, speak unscripted

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx has some sage advice for Brit:

She really needs to stop visiting the church of Sean Preston and go back to Kabbalah. I know it might be hard to afford both Kevin Federline and Kabbalah, but I really do believe the red string warded off the Evil Eye and enough of the honky that she didn't always literally look like a Beverly Hillbilly.

Britney does Dateline

The story:
Britney Spears was interviewed on "a very special Dateline" by Matt Lauer.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Dateline? More like Jerry Springer
Mollygood says: So I might 'drop my baby', I'm still a 'good mother'
Dlisted says: Don't "quote" me Britney
Defamer says: Britney Spears begs world to leave her alone until release of next album
US Magazine Online says: Britney's "air quote" madness
Tabloid Whore says: What did you think of Britney's Dateline interview?
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears is an emotional wreck
Smells Like Snark says: My secret shame - I love Britney

Who said it best:
Defamer analyzes the interview technique:

Matt Lauer accused the full-bosomed tabloid target of being alternately the wife of a loser, a redneck, and an unfit mother, though always deftly posing the insults in the form of "Some people are saying you're/calling you a..." and punctuating them with the blubber-inducing, "How does that make you feel?"

Becoming a mean material girl

The story:
Madonna has dumped Britney Spears and is now taking Lindsay Lohan under her wing.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Mollygood says: Soon Lohan will know the value of Madge's teachings
Best Week Ever says: Lohan is Madonna's next apprentice
Tabloid Whore says: Madonna hanging with Lohan? Um, don't think so...
Dlisted says: Madge's next victim
Glitterati Gossip says: Madonna breaks up with Britney
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Madonna has a new minion
The Superficial says: Madonna puts the moves on Lindsay Lohan

Who said it best:
IDLYITW seems certain that Lindsay will fill the Kabballah void for Vadge:

You don't need to be on drugs to see how spiritually fulfilling channeling the powers of a red string is, but it would probably help, so Lindsay should do fine.

Audit this!

The story:
Jenna Elfman verbally attacked indie film producer John Roecker for wearing a "Scientology is Gay" t-shirt.

Image via Defamer

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Scientology is gay. And crazy. Very crazy
Defamer says: Jenna Elfman attacks man in glib t-shirt
TMZ says: When Elfman's explode
Dlisted says: Jenna Elfman is CRAZY
A Socialite's Life says: Jenna Elfman defends her religion
Best Week Ever says: Scientologists fight drugs, clever t-shirts

Who said it best:
Poor Jenna. First the t-shirt mocks her religion, then everyone that reports on the incident does the same. Celebrity Hijinx may have found the cause of the outburst:

Someone obviously forgot to take their vitamins that day.

Braveheart meets his match

The story:
Mel Gibson is putting his Malibu manse up for sale as he no longer wants to live next door to the chaos that is the Spederlines.

Image via Best Week Ever

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Even Mel is sick of Spederline
Defamer says: Mel Gibson driven out of Malibu by white trash neighbors
Popsugar says: Britney and Kevin drive Mel Gibson away
Mollygood says: You could be Britney Spears neighbour (all you need is a few million and a love for chaos)
Best Week Ever says: Federlines torture Mel Gibson into retreat
Tabloid Whore says: Mel Gibson puts house up for sale. Has had enough of sinful Spears/Federline clan
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Britney Spears drives people away
A Socialite's Life says: Mel Gibson's tired of living near Britney Spears

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever gives us a glimpse at what Mel might be seeing from his kitchen window:

When you own a 24 million dollar mansion, you shouldn’t have to wake up every morning to the sounds of Kevin’s awful hip-hop and Britney’s tortured sobbing, intermingled with the smells of unchanged diapers and the cheap weed K-Fed’s “posse” is smoking.

Britney and Kevin still together

The story:
Britney Spears was photographed with her husband for the first time in 2 months.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Defamer says: Kfed seen touching one of his own children
Haute Gossip says: Oh great, he's back
Popsugar says: Breaking News: Britney and Kevin together
US Weekly Online says: Breaking: K-fed seen holding one of his own children!
Dlisted says: The return of Kfed
Tabloid Whore says: Britney and Kevin have a family day
Mollygood says: Kevin Federline touches his own child, looks thrilled about it
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline is still alive

Who said it best:
Defamer keeps our divorce hopes alive:

Then again, the sudden spate of image-reparative K-Fed press could just be one of the negotiated divorce settlement terms, stating that Spears must do her part to improve the guy's rep on his way out the door.

I still hate Paris Hilton

The story:
Paris Whoreton backed into another car in a parkade and left without leaving a note for the driver of the damaged vehicle.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Paris Hilton hits cars and doesn't care about the handicapped
Best Week Ever says: Paris peels out, breaks law
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is an excellent driver
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton should be in jail
Haute Gossip says: Can't any of these bitches drive?
Mollygood says: Cited for 'driving while Paris'
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton hits and runs
Popsugar says: Paris hits and runs
Defamer says: Paris Hilton too rich, beautiful, to care about car she hit

Who said it best:
Popsugar puts psychic powers to use again:

I bet we’ll get some sort of statement from her publicist saying she has contacted the owner blah, blah, blah.

Check out Elliot Mintz' statement here.

I hate Paris Hilton

The story:
Paris Hilton regularily uses handicapped parking stalls.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Mollygood says: The 'stars are blind' Paris, not you
Dlisted says: Paris Hilton doesn't care about anyone
US Weekly Online says: Paris Hilton finally acknowledging mental handicap
Celebrity Hijinx says: Paris is handicapped
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Paris Hilton is handicapped
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is better than cripples
Defamer says: Paris Hilton will park wherever she pleases

Who said it best:
WWTDD seems to know Paris pretty well::

Parking her quarter million dollar car in a handicapped spot then rushing off to blow some guy? Yeah, that seems about right.

But dude, I've gotta take a leak

The story:
Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff got into an argument outside a NY club bathroom when Dorff cut the line.

Image via Celebrity Hijinx

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Celebrity Deathmatch 4: Jeremy Piven vs Stephan Dorff
Mollygood says: Piven and Dorff should settle this one on the four-square court
Defamer says: Entourage Season 3 sneak peak: Piven vs Dorff
Popsugar says: Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff act like babies
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jeremy Piven and Stephen Dorff are mature

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx comes up with another great reality show idea:

Security should've let these two go at each other as sort of a sacrificial "star" brawl in hopes that they 'd both lose.

Did someone refuse to buy her a snowcone?

The story:
Nicole Richie threw water on the papparazzi outside her gym.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Nicole's water rage
I'm Not Obsessed says: Did the photographer call Nicole Richie fat?
Drunken Stepfather says: Nicole Richie is a 12-year old tranny
Dlisted says: Someone needs a cookie
Popsugar says: When Nicole attacks
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie sprays photographers
Mollygood says: Shockingly, Nicole Richie has the strength to throw water
Haute Gossip says: And to think the camera adds 10 pounds

Who said it best:
Haute Gossip has found the nutritional secret that Vanity Fair couldn't unearth:

Nicole wasted her breakfast, lunch and dinner on the paparazzi today while on her way to the gym.

Granny says yes to dinner with Firecrotch

The story:
Brandon Davis' grandmother claims that the oily heir had dinner with Lindsay Lohan last week. Lohan's publicist denies it, claiming Linsday is dating several men in Europe.

Image via Celebrity Nation

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Brandon Davis likes 'em long
The Superficial says: Brandon Davis' grandma is a dirty liar
Defamer says: Lindsay Lohan cannot be satisfied by a single oil heir
Celebitchy says: Is Brandon Davis making Lindsay Lohan cum freckles?
US Weekly Online says: The Daily Rumor: Is Lindsay Lohan dating Brandon Davis?
CelebNewsWire says: The courting of Firecrotch

Who said it best:
Defamer and The Superficial were both on the same track regarding the denial of this story:

I'm not entirely sure replacing a small rumor she had dinner with some guy by telling everybody she's a whore is a good idea. "My client doesn't have dinner with billionaires! She's far too busy sleeping with multiple foreign men for that kind of nonsense. A slut. A slut she is!" [The Superficial]

The denying of a liaison with a domestic undesirable by asserting her client's sexual availability overseas is a bold gambit, but if any publicist can pull off such a high-level move with grace, it's Sloane Zelnick, perhaps the leading out-of-the-box thinker in the entire field of crisis management. [Defamer]

Way to stir up some Firecrotch granny!

Jen and Vince #1

The story:
The Break Up was the weekend's box office winner.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: The Break Up cleans up
A Socialite's Life says: Jennifer Aniston gets a break
Mollygood say: Take a look at Jen now, Brad Pitt, if you can pry yourself away from your crying, drooling, pee bag
Defamer says: Monday morning box office: Jen and Vince end Ratner's reign
Popsugar says: The Break Up scores
US Weekly Online says: The Break Up totally kicks XMen 3's ass
I Don't Like You In That Way says: You probably saw The Break Up

Who said it best:
IDLYITW sees a long career ahead for Jen:

That doesn't mean that Jennifer Aniston is a horrible person, it just means that she's a shitty actress. Not to worry, she'll still find work. She has perky tits and a nice haircut. In Hollywood, that's the equivalent of a Master's Degree and an MCSE.

The Break Up

The story:
Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have split up.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Mollygood says: A Time to Split: See ya Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey
Best Week Ever says: McConaughey and Cruz split
Tabloid Whore says: Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey are on a break
A Socialite's Life says: Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey have split
Dlisted says: He wants to spend more time with me
US Weekly Online says: McCruz separates
Defamer says: Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz no longer in love with each other's publicity
The Superficial says: Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz split
Celebrity Hijinx says: People's sexiest gay bachelor alive
Haute Gossip says: Dunzo!

Who said it best:
Dlisted came up with the most creative spin on an otherwise kind of ho hum story:

Matthew McConagay has decided to leave Penny Cruz, because spending time with her lesbo-ass was getting in the way of his qt with me.

Knocked up heiress, no not Paris

The story:
Anna Nicole Smith confirmed that she is pregnant.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: The Anna Nicole Smith pregnancy is out of the bag
Tabloid Whore says: God help us. Yep, Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant
Best Week Ever says: Anna Nicole confirms her pregnancy
Mollygood says: Anna Nicole will demonstrate the effects of diet pills on infants
US Weekly Online says: Anna Nicole Smith pregnant with doomed child
The Superficial says: Anna Niccole Smith confirms pregnancy

Who said it best:
Mollygood finds some good news in this story:

Things are suddenly looking up for all the Frances Beans and Sean Prestons of the world, Anna Nicole Smith has finally admitted to being pregnant.