Ben Affleck near death! (or maybe that's just his career)

The story:
Jennifer Garner rushed Ben Affleck to the ER on Memorial Day as he was suffering from a migraine.

Image via Lainey's Entertainment Update

The combatants:
Lainey's Entertainment Update says: Ben's mysterious malady
Tabloid Whore says: Wow! Ben Affleck gets migraine and is "just like us"
A Socialite's Life says: Ben Affleck's emergency room confusion
Defamer says: Ben Affleck rushed to hospital, emerges merely a director
Hollywood Rag says: Ben Affleck's Memorial Day migraine

Who said it best:
Lainey's smutty senses are tingling on this one...:

Because now I'm wondering whether or not the first time director with an acting career on life support had a bit of an anxiety attack that he thought was a heart attack.

... and Defamer is also on the death watch:

Emergency room physicians in Cambridge were able to treat Ben Affleck's migraine attack yesterday, but despite their best efforts, were apparently unable to resuscitate his acting career.

She's got legs, she knows how to use them

The story:
Mariah Carey has supposedly insured her legs for $1 billion.

Image via Popsugar

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Mariah's legs are worth billions
Mollygood says: Mariah Carey's legs are more important than you are
Dlisted says: Mimi's $1 billion legs!
A Socialite's Life says: Mariah Carey insures her stumps for $1 billion

Who said it best:
Popsugar is looking out for Mimi's best interests:

I hope she shaves very carefully from now on.

African stork finally makes delivery

The story:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had their baby by c-section on May 27, and named her Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Mollygood says: Hallelujah!!! Brangelina has multiplied, males everywhere rejoice
Tabloid Whore says: Hallelujah! Angelina Jolie gives birth
A Socialite's Life says: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt give birth to the most beautiful baby in the world
Glitterati Gossip says: Maddox & Zahara get a sister
US Weekly Online says: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcome baby girl
Popsugar says: Brad and Angelina have a girl!
Perez Hilton says: The baby was born!
Haute Gossip says: It's a GIRL!
Lainey's Entertainment Update says: The Family Pitt: an update
The Gilded Moose says: Vatican renames Son of God 'Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

Who said it best:
Despite the plethora of exclamation points this story subjects us to, there was certainly several good funnies to go along with it. Hats off to Popsugar for noting the domino effect this birth will have in the media:

expect Tom and Katie to prepare to get their baby Suri pics ready for their debut.

Will Shiloh and Suri be duking it out for People magazine cover status this week?

(Shake)Spears (not) in love?

The story:
Britney Spears posted a poem on her website that is either an f-u to her marriage or the stalkerazzi.

Image via BritneySpears.com

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Remembrance of how crazy crazy is
The Scoop says: Is Britney putting marital woes into verse?
Mollygood says: Britney Spears: Modern day Shakespeare
City Rag says: Britney Spears mysterious message
A Socialite's Life says: Britney's pain
Defamer says: Britney Spears is trying to tell us something in verse
The Superficial says: Britney Spears writes poetry
Perez Hilton says: The bitch is back

Who said it best:
While fingers are crossed all over the web that this is the signal of the demise of Spears' marriage to the Federjerk, not everyone is convinced that he is the target of her ire. The Superficial sees another possible inspiration for the poem:

I guess I'd be pretty angry too if I was married to Joe Dirt and my plans to kill my baby were thwarted by that meddlesome paparazzi.

Janet's tall (thin) tale

The story:
Janet Jackson lost 60 pounds in 4 months.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
US Weekly Online says: US Exclusive: How Janet Jackson lost 60 pounds in 4 months
Perez Hilton says: The Burning Question
Haute Gossip says: Ya Right. How dumb do we look?
Celebrity Hijinx says: Tell it like it is Ms Jackson
Popsugar says: Janet's back in control
Dlisted says: The Photoshop Awards: Janet Jackson
Mollywood says: Hot Damn Janet Jackson

Who said it best:
There seems to be a fair amount of skepticism about possible touch ups to the cover photo, as well as Janet's diet "secrets". Haute Gossip gets right to the point:

Seriously. Do you think we're THAT stupid? Her upper body with the 5 pin bowling ball breasts is 100% Janet but from there down - come on.

Breaking up is hard to do

The story:
Nicole Richie and DJ AM confirm that they have split up again.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: It's real and it's deep
Perez Hilton says: At least she's still got her cat
Defamer says: Nicole Richie and DJ AM present semi-annual breakup announcement
Popsugar says: DJ AM and Nicole split again
Dlisted says: Is this about food, or DJ AM?
A Socialite's Life says: It really is over
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: Nicole and DJ AM split again
Tabloid Whore says: Yep. DJ AM and Nicole confirm split

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life had the cleverest photo, Dlisted wins the headline war, but when it comes down to all over creativity, Defamer takes it:

It's difficult to say why these two potential soulmates keep parting ways--it can be something as simple as a disagreement over whether or not to raise the kids eaters

Go directly to jail (again)

The story:
Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail for 60 days for violating her parole.

Image via Popsugar

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler! Michelle Rodriguez going back to jail
Tabloid Whore says: Michelle Rodriguez heads back to the slammer
US Weekly Online says: Michelle Rodriguez to spend 60 days in jail
Perez Hilton says: Michelle Rodriguez going to jail! Again!!!!
Popsugar says: Karma's a bitch for Michelle Rodriguez
Defamer says: Michelle Rodriguez looking forward to 60 more days of prison 'me time'
Celebrity Hijinx says: Jailbait
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Michelle Rodriguez is back in jail

Who said it best:
Tabloid Whore manages to find a silver lining in Michelle's latest cloud:

Please! Someone make a reality show out of this NOW!

I would totally watch that!

Elton vs Britney: who will be the newest NRA spokesperson?

The story:
Elton John threw a little tantrum while presenting an award in Cannes, and declared that all the pappies should be shot.

Image via Glitterati Gossip

The combatants:
Glitterati Gossip says: Elton John spews venom at the press
The Superficial says: Elton John really hates photographers
Perez Hilton says: Elton John is the original Britney Spears
Popsugar says: Elton wants a gun
A Socialite's Life says: Elton John declares all photographers should be shot

Who said it best:
The Superficial skips the obvious jokes:

He's like Robin Williams with Tourette's, only replace the out of control body hair with flashy suits made of purple zebra skin and polka dots.

Charlie moves perviness online

The story:
Charlie Sheen has been meeting women online, dressing them up as young cheerleaders and them dumping them.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Perez Hilton says: Friday fuzzy feelings with Charlie Sheen
Defamer says: Charlie Sheen's "cheerleader" problems continue
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Charlie Sheen is still kinky
Dlisted says: What the hell is MillionaireMatch.com?
Tabloid Whore says: Charlie still likes pigtails

Who said it best:
Defamer deconstructs the story behind the story:

Once again, the tabloid press has fallen for the clever tricks of the Charlie Sheen PR machine, which slyly seeks to reinforce the actor's alleged, All-American taste for the company of barely legal (legal being the operative word), spanky-panted pom-pom girls through the gossip column testimony of former enablers of his pigtail fetish.

The "LiLo's Vagina" Monologue

The story:
Brandon Davis verbally attacks Lindsay Lohan, while Paris Whoreton giggles in the background.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

The combatants:
Dlisted says: Brandon Davis loves fire crotch
Glitterati Gossip says: Brandon Davis lashes out at Lindsay Lohan
Popsugar says: Brandon Davis blasts Lindsay Lohan
A Socialite's Life says: Brandon Davis' Lindsay Lohan diatribe
Tabloid Whore says: Brandon Davis is an evil, evil little troll
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton thinks her friends are funny
Defamer says: Lohan-Hilton Catfight Update: Brandon Davis Uses Nuclear Option, Officially Upgrades Tiff To War
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis hate Lindsay Lohan
Perez Hilton says: Brandon Davis blows

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life manages to come up with a fitting description of the offender:

That Brandon Davis has such a way with words. Who else but a self-involved slightly bloated wasted socialite could come up with such a clever phrase as "firecrotch."

I've got an album coming out

The story:
Christina Aguillera and Mariah Carey don't like each other.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Quote of the Day
A Socialite's Life says: Diva Bitchfest: Mariah Carey vs Christina Aguillera
Dlisted says: Xtina vs Mimi: it's on!
US Weekly Online says: Feud alert! Xtina vs Mariah
Popsugar says: The latest diva feud: Mariah vs Christina
Celebrity Hijinx says: Celebrity Deathmatch 2: Mariah vs Christina
Perez Hilton says: Celebrity bitchfight, diva edition

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx has an idea for reconciliation that I would definitely tune in for:

I think these two should have a mini-pageant with a talent competition where they can out-shriek each other and a wardrobe competition where they can out-skank each other. Throw in a little hair pulling and we have ourself some network TV. I recommend Britney Spears, Cher and George Michael as the celebrity judges.

Tara Reid appears sober

The story:
Tara Reid was spotted at an LA Farmer's Market over the weekend looking clean and sober (how sad that this is considered a gossip story!).

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tara Reid resurfaces
Perez Hilton says: Did Tara Reid get more work done?
The Superficial says: Tara Reid is transforming
Dlisted says: Still fug
Popsugar says: Who's that girl?

Who said it best:
If you thought Tara had cleaned up her act, Popsugar is on the case:

Well, you look closely at the inside of her wrist you can see the little stamp from a club probably fresh from the night before so don’t be fooled by Tara’s look of the day. We’re pretty sure it’s the same old Tara in there somewhere.

Sean Preston still alive - despite Brit's best efforts

The story:
Britney Spears was spotted driving her convertible with SP strapped into an inappropriate carseat in the back (well at least he's in a carseat this time!).

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Dlisted says: Where's the save SPF t-shirts?
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears carseat snafu
Haute Gossip says: Hey Britney you forgot something!
Perez Hilton says: Rollin' with my rollers
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney would do anything to protect him, Part 3
Best Week Ever says: Britney's latest attempt to destroy baby
Defamer says: Britney Spears takes baby steps towards fit motherhood
Celebrity Hijinx says: Oops, she did it again
The Superficial says: Britney Spears still trying to kill her baby

Who said it best:
Poor Britney! Her superior parenting skills really bring out the gossip funny. Dlisted has a reality tv career mapped out for him...

SPF is ready for some shit! He's been dropped on the head several times, suffered whiplash and heat stroke. He's ready for Fear Factor!

...while Haute Gossip gets inside Brit's thought process:

I don't think driving around in a convertible is the safest thing for a baby. Guess it doesn't matter much. SPF looks unconscious already anyway

Is Paris Hilton a famewhore-savant?

The story:
Paris Hilton forgot the name of her new video game at the official launch. (OR: Did she do it on purpose knowing that everyone would be talking about it, and therefore promoting her new game?)

Image via IDLYITW

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is good with names
Celebrity Hijinx says: Celling Paris
Defamer says: Paris Hilton has no idea what her video game is called, but loves it!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is still stupid
US Weekly Online says: Even Paris Hilton doesn't know the name of her new videogame
Glitterati Gossip says: Paris Hilton: the name game

Who said it best:
IDLYITW's headline gets the story behind the story, while Defamer gets to the heart of the matter:

The Paris Hilton brand is synonymous with skank quality

Her nose is as real as her singing

The story:
Ashlee Simpson had a nose job - or did she?

Image via The Superficial

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Ashlee's new nose
Tabloid Whore says: It's Jessica, no it's Ashlee, no Jessica, no it's Ashlee
Dlisted says: Ashlee Simpson's maybe means yes
US Weekly Online says: Ashlee Simpson not really sure if she got a nose job
The Superficial says: Ashlee Simpson is a liar
Perez Hilton says: Introducing Asslee Simpson's new nose

Who said it best:
Although Popsugar called the denial in their May 3 story, The Superficial fills Ashlee in on why her reflux won't be able to explain this one away:

Somebody should explain to Ashlee about the magic of photography.

BuBye CaCee

The story:
CaCee Cobb quits her job as Jessica Simpson's assistant.

Image from Getty Images via Dlisted

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Jessica and CaCee - it's over
Dlisted says: CaCee dumps Jessica
US Weekly Online says: Jessica loses her best friend
Popsugar says: CaCee and Jessica break up
Glitterati Gossip says: Jessica Simpson and CaCee Cobb part ways
Lainey's Entertainment Update says: Jessica Simpson: blonde again, single again

Who said it best:
While this sentiment was apparent in most of the stories, Dlisted put it best:

CaCee finally quit so she can screw Nick Lachey out in the open. You know those two hit it during his marriage.

The other side of the (brokeback) mountain

The story:
Jake Gyllenhaal is reportedly dating Olympic snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler.

Images from Getty Images via US Weekly Online

The combatants:
Perez Hilton says: GyllenHo has a new girlfriend
US Weekly Online says: US Exclusive: Jake Gyllenhaal's new girlfriend!
Popsugar says: Jakey G's new gal pal
Celebrity Hijinx says: What's wrong with this picture?
The Superficial says: Jake Gyllenhaal has a new girlfriend

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx finds the silver lining:

I guess if worst comes to worst she'd be easy to makeover into a man.

Star out, Al still in closet

The story:
Rosie O'Donnell engineers Star Jones' exit from The View this year.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Bye-bye Star Jones
Tabloid Whore says: Enjoy the view walking out the door Star!
A Socialite's Life says: Star Jones is saying Sayonara to The View
US Weekly Online says: Star Jones to plug self into unemployment line
Dlisted says: The fall of a star
Perez Hilton says: Ding dong, the witch is dead!
Defamer says: Star Jones leaving 'View' for exciting opportunity to wallow in obscurity

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life is on the money as to the downside to this dismissal:

People would have tuned in droves to watch the unpleasantness on set between Jones and O'Donnell.

I know I would love to see Star getting a daily bitchslap from Rosie about Big Gay Al and his gender issues.

Here comes the bride

The story:
Tori Spelling wed Dean McDermott over the weekend.

Image via Glitterati Gossip

The combatants:
Lainey's Entertainment Update says: Tori gets her Federline
A Socialite's Life says: Tori Spelling heads to Fiji to get married
Glitterati Gossips says: Tori Spelling gets married
Dlisted says: Tori Spelling makes it official
US Weekly Online says: Tori Spelling, Dean McDermott wed
Popsugar says: Tori Spelling married again
Perez Hilton says: Is she pregnant?

Who said it best:
Popsugar opened with this soon to be classic line:

In a desperate attempt to remind everyone her show is on tonight, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott got married this weekend on a private tropical island in Fiji.

A Nanny for K-Fed

The story:
Britney hired a "babysitter" to go on tour with K-Fed and keep him out of trouble.

Image via IDLYITW

The combatants:
The Scoop says: Britney hires a babysitter - for her husband
I Don't Like You In That Way says: K-Fed has a babysitter
Defamer says: Britney Spears baby rumours: K-Fed gets a babysitter
The Superficial says: Britney Spears doesn't trust Kevin Federline

Who said it best:
The Superficial comes up with a great comparison:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have the kind of relationship I imagine Dr. Phil and Oprah to have. Where Dr. Phil pretends to speak his mind, but knows deep down in his heart that Oprah owns his soul.

Did you hear about that new TC movie?

The story:
Tom Cruise hits New York to promote his new movie, Mission Impossible 3 (perhaps you've heard of it?).

Image via TRL

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tom Cruise loves New York
Glitterati Gossip says: Tom Cruise stops traffic
US Weekly Online says: Tom Cruise and the New York City crazython
Popsugar says: Kate Cruise to make her debut
Defamer says: The afternoon Cruise: let's enjoy Tom while we still have him
Dlisted says: Tom Cruise makes me gag

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life offers a slightly different spin on what Tom was doing as he crisscrossed the city:

After spending most of the morning going door to door and ridding the city of Ritalin, Tom embarked on the massive mission of doing what Tom knows how to do best - promote his upcoming film.

Don't pick on the toothpick

The story:
Nicole Richie discusses her "weight problems" in the latest issue of Vanity Fair.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie thinks she's too thin
Defamer says: With Vanity Fair's help, Nicole Richie ready to solve weight loss mystery
Popsugar says: Nicole admits she's too skinny
US Weekly Online says: Nicole Richie tells Vanity Fair, "I'm too thin"
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie's doctor can't lie for her ass anymore!
A Socialite's Life says: The Skinny on Nicole Richie

Who said it best:
I love Defamer's headline, and this comment:

Richie eats and eats--burritos, "salty cheese-and-grease kind of stuff," entire tubs of lard, whatever--and still her ribs persist in their attempt to escape from their fleshy jail and make a mad break for daylight.

But the win goes to Dlisted, because I think this is really what it comes down to:

Bitch stop lying, we know you don't eat shit! The only thing this chick eats is laxatives and Dexatrim.

Seacrest out

The story:
Ryan Seacrest dumped Teri Hatcher after they were photographed kissing on their 3rd date, saying “I don’t think I can do this with you.”

Image via Smells Like Snark

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Ryan Seacrest totally bailed on Teri Hatcher
A Socialite’s Life says: Ryan Searest dumped Teri Hatcher after 3rd date
Glitterati Gossip says: Teri Hatcher says Seacrest dumped her
US Weekly Online says: Teri Hatcher tells Oprah: Seacrest dumped me
Popsugar says: Teri won’t shut up
The Superficial says: Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest break up

Who said it best:
Superficial, how I love you for this:

There are a few reasons I can think of why Ryan Seacrest wouldn't be able to "do this" with Teri Hatcher. I'd go into detail, but it's mostly just variations of her not having a penis, and there are only so many ways I can say it.

These boots were made for ass-kickin'

The story:
Lindsay Lohan stopped by Brett Ratner's LA abode unannounced and got in a fight with Ratner's model girlfriend after finding the 2 in bed together.

Image via Celebrity Nation

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Lindsay isn't lucky in love
Popsugar says: Another Lohan catfight?
Egotastic says: Lindsay Lohan and Brett Ratner dunzo?
US Weekly Online says: Lindsay wants to deport the immigrants out of her boyfriend's bed
Dlisted says: Lindsay HoHan was shocked
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay Lohan catches model in bed with Ratner, Catfight ensues

Who said it best:
US Weekly Online is all over the most important aspect of this story:

Okay, enough is enough. They can take our jobs, they can take our tax dollars, but when they take our 37-year-old men that perve on 19-year-olds, it’s time for them to go.