Celebutard Justice at last!

The story:
Paris Hilton has been sent back to jail to serve her full 45 day sentence.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Hilton is back at the Lynwood Hilton
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton going back to jail; someone finally had a lick of sense in their head
Best Week Ever says: Paris is going back to jail!
Cele|bitchy says: Paris going back to jail!
Defamer says: Judge orders Paris back to jail, immediate halt of all cupcake deliveries
Dlisted says: Paris has to serve entire 45 days!
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton is going back to jail!!!!!
The Evil Beet says: Paris is going back to jail
Haute Gossip says: Paris slapped back in jail. This time for the full 45 days. There is a God.
Hollywood Rag says: Crying Paris Hilton goes back to the slammer
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton back to jail, back to 45 days minus 5
I'm Not Obsessed says: Paris Hilton is going back to jail
Lainey Gossip says: Rocky rules!!!
Popsugar says: Paris back to jail!!!!!
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Paris is going back to jail for her 45 day sentence
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton ordered back to jail
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Paris is back in jail

Who said it best:
It's hard to stop smiling long enough to pick a winner, so here are three:

Judge Sauer wasted little time in telling Paris to go directly to jail: do not go home, do not stop at Hyde for a last round of drinks. (Agent Bedhead)

Ladies and gentlemen, if life were a movie, this would be the point when you turn to your friend and say “This is the best movie ever made.” (Best Week Ever)

Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And 0me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head and there was a strange tingling sensation in my pants. (The Superficial)

Image via INF Photo

Paris' privates on view for $40

The story:
A new website is selling off some of Paris Hilton's belongings that were left in a storage locker, including nude photos and video.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton for sale
Best Week Ever says: Latest scandalous "Paris site" confirms everything we already knew about Paris Hilton
Cele|bitchy says: Paris' precious moments
CelebNewsWire says: "I got f*cked in the butt for coke!"
Defamer says: Today's opportunity to see Paris Hilton engaging in videotaped sex acts
Dlisted says: Do you really want to see Paris taking a bubble bath?
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton exposed...again
FHollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton exposed
I Don't Like You In That Way says: You can buy Paris Hilton's crap
Mollygood says: Paris Hilton overexposed
Popsugar says: Paris very very very exposed
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton gets exposed
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Paris Hilton is for sale

Who said it best:
No need to spend the 40 bucks yourself when Best Week Ever will sum up the site's contents for you:

So there you have it - sift through a little of Paris’ trashy trash and have your minds blown by all the documented evidence suggesting that she’s kind of slutty and stupid.

Paris to concentrate on acting

The story:
Parasite Hilton's New Year's resolution is to seriously concentrate on her acting career. Seriously.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Someone give that woman an Oscar
Celebslam says: "One Night in Paris" wins Best Actress Oscar
Celebrity Hijinx says: Brace yourself: Paris Hilton is one book away from being a serious actress
Dlisted says: Paris Hilton is the next Meryl Streep
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton actually reads
Metadish says: Paris Hilton is ready to get serious
Mollygood says: Paris Hilton is comedy gold
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is a serious actress

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx thinks Hilton's upcoming pic has a good chance at being better than any of her previous projects:

The atomic bomb of her debut album apparently erased any memory of the previous atomic bombs of her acting gigs: ‘House of Wax’ and ‘Pledge This!’ She now wants to become a serious actress and is going to prove it to us in her upcoming romantic comedy ‘The Hottie and the Nottie,' (I smell an Oscar). She is determined for it to be her best big screen project to date - a bar set as high as a limbo stick at a cockroach birthday party.

Well, she's had a lot of experience acting surprised when her nips and cooter slip out.

Image via FlyNetOnline

Canadian beaver soon available to pappies

The story:
Paris Hilton was out partying with a new BFF, House of Wax co-star Elisha Cuthbert.

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Elisha Cuthbert, your vagina is on notice
CelebNewsWire says: Paris Hilton corners her next victim
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton will ruin Elisha Cuthbert just like she ruined Britney Spears
Hollywood Tuna says: Could there be an Elisha Cuthbert upskirt in the near future?
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris didn't defend Britney
Popsugar says: Stavros tries to tame Paris

Who said it best:
Unlike the Spearship, Egotastic doesn't think Paris is going to be the hot one here:

Oh, and yes, putting Paris Hilton side by side with the incredibly beautiful Elisha Cuthbert does make her look that much more retarded.

Image via Hollywood Tuna

Open season on beaver comes to an end

The story:
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are no longer BFF, after Britney was told by *her people* to start acting more adult if she wanted to launch a comeback.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Paris and Britney done?
Best Week Ever says: Who will become Britney's next bad influence?
CelebNewsWire says: Britney goes old school with boob flash
Dlisted says: But we've only just begun
Faded Youth says: The day the music died
Hollywood Rag says: Britney Spears buys her own CD
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney and Paris have broken up
I'm Not Obsessed says: Britney Spears told to stay away from Paris Hilton
Lainey Gossip says: Britney vs Hollywood Ebola: a fight brews?
Popsugar says: Britney and Paris break up
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! says: A moment of silence for Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's friendship?
The Superficial says: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton break up
What Would Tyler Durden Do says:

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way doesn't think much of the plan:

The only way Britney Spears could make a comeback is if she woke up tomorrow and wasn't Britney Spears.

Desperate for attention

The story:
After a visit to the Playboy Mansion, Paris and Nicky Hilton posed together like 2 whores on a double stick.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Ugh
Celebitchy says: Paris and Nicky being pervy
Dlisted says: Trading crabs
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton gets kinky with sister Nicky
Faded Youth says: Trash
Haute Gossip says: Paris & Nicky are close
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton is still embarassing
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris and Nicky are creepy
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! says: Paris & Nicky Hilton's boyfriends' parents do not approve of them
The Superficial says: Paris & Nicky Hilton almost do it with each other
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: What the hell is this?

Who said it best:
Dlisted may have figured out what the pose was all about:

Maybe this is a seasonly occurence so their crabs can get some new scenery! You know the way birds fly south for the winter!

Image via Matrix Photos

Paris' new rock

The story:
Paris Hilton was spotted wearing a large ring on her left hand, fueling speculation that she may be engaged to Stavros Niarchos -- or she's just fucking with us all for some publicity that doesn't require her to flash her cooter.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Paris flashing something other than her vagina
Dlisted says: Please, she got that from a cracker jack box
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton's supposed engagement is as fake as that ring
Faded Youth says: Does Hilton have a new man and BFF?
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Is Paris engaged?
I'm Not Obsessed says: Is Paris Hilton engaged to Stavros Niarchos?
Mollygood says: Gentlemen, retire your penises, Paris Hilton may be off the market forever
Popsugar says: Is Paris engaged again?
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Is Paris Hilton engaged or is it a publicity stunt?
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is engaged. Maybe

Who said it best:
Most don't believe that this signals an actual engagement, but in any case A Socialite's Life has some sound advice for Stavros:

That poor Niarchos bastard. Run for the hills, buddy. That is - if your pin hasn't fallen off yet from all the disease.

Image via Popsugar

Mother Paris

The story:
Paris and Britney went shopping in LA, and Paris was photographed holding SPF.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney's comeback continues to take a dark turn
Dlisted says: Kfed now has a case in this custody battle thing
The Gilded Moose says: 'This scarf is heavy,' by Paris Hilton
Haute Gossip says: No one can help you if you won't help yourself
Popsugar says: Will Britney turn into Paris?

Who said it best:
Dlisted is worried about SPFs medical well-being:

Why?! What did that kid do to deserve a STD? I mean now that Paris has touched him you know he has one.

Image via Splash News

Ho Ho Ho and I don't mean Merry Christmas

The story:
The Trifecta of Trash were photographed out partying together.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Yeah, this is a step up
A Socialite's Life says: Huh?
Dlisted says: That was fast: Brit, Paris and Lohan back together
Egotastic says: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em: Lindsay Lohan makes nice with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
Hollywood Rag says: Bottoms down Britney Spears
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Lindsay Lohan is pathetic
I'm not Obsessed says: I'm confused! Are Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan fighting or what?
Lainey Gossip says: Paris and Lindsay and the Britney sandwich
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says:
Mollygood says: Lindsay is finally one of the Mean Girls
Popsugar says: The new threesome: Lindsay, Brit, and Paris
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears complete unholy trinity

Who said it best:
The Superficial is worried about the signals these 3 are sending:

I'm a little rusty on the Bible but I'm pretty sure this is at least one or two signs of the apocalypse. You put these three together in a car and whatever disease crawls out will most likely end the world. It'll be a strain of STD so great and powerful it'll have claws and a face and be the size of a full grown bear.

Image via X17 online

At least she's still wearing panties

The story:
Britney and Paris are still partying like BFF, in LA this time, and Britney managed to flash her panties for the paparazzi.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney slumming again
Celebrity Hijinx says: Rock out with her cock out (almost)
Dlisted says: The STD twins are out again!
Egotastic says: Britney Spears joins the upskirt club
Gossip or Truth says: Britney and Paris part II
Haute Gossip says: Double your pleasure
Lainey Gossip says: Britney & Paris: inseparable in LA
Mollygood says: This used to be Kfed's playground
Popsugar says: Britney makes it so hard
The Superficial says: Britney Spears takes lessons from Paris Hilton

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip would like to be a fly on the wall when these party girls hit the club:

Given that she willingly married Kevin Federline and was pimped into superstardom by her parents before learning how to spell properly, Britney’s intellectual capabilities likely hover somewhere around Jessica Simpson’s and since we all know Paris Hilton is as dumb as f&ck (thank you Tina Fey), I can’t even imagine the size of the cerebral black hole that undoubtedly opens up in the universe whenever these two get together.

Image via Britney.com

'Stars are Blind' has that effect on a lot of people

The story:
Paris Hilton puked onstage as she attempted to lip-synch her way through a couple of songs from her craptastic album.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: 'Stars are Blind,' the Paris Hilton review
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton empties her stomach on stage
Celebitchy says: Paris pukes onstage while trying to lipsynch to her album
CelebNewsWire says: After showing her panties, Paris gets pukey
Defamer says: Paris Hilton puke-synchs her way through a Vegas performance
Dlisted says: Too much jizz
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton drinks, pukes and leaves
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton pukes in public
Mollygood says: Water crotch spews
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton pukes onstage
Yeeeah says: Paris Hilton pukes onstage

Who said it best:
Yeeeah thinks it must have been quite a performance:

Class act, that Paris. Puke on yourself, flash your herpes, admire yourself in a mirror, toungue kiss a stranger, maybe vomit again. Being a socialite is very demanding work.

Herpes Anonymous meeting in Vegas

The story:
Britney Spears was spotted partying in Vegas over the weekend with Parasite Hilton, and Mario Lopez (?), and at one point without her pants.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears heads to Vegas and hangs with Mario Lopez
Best Week Ever says: You had us, you lost us
CelebNewsWire says: Paris & Britney: sisters in sex tapes
Celebrity Hijinx says: Odd couple
Dlisted says: What and why?!
Egotastic says: Signs of the Apocalypse: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are friends
Glitterati Gossip says: Paris and Britney, new BFF
Haute Gossip says: Oh Brit, we had such hope for you
Hollywood Rag says: Britney Spears parties with Paris Hilton
Lainey Gossip says: Hollywood Ebola infects Britney
Mollygood says: Britney wooed over to the dark side
Popsugar says: Britney and Paris: girls gone wild
The Superficial says: Britney Spears drops her pants in public
Tabloid Whore says: Britney dumps one piece of trash in exchange for another

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx may have an explanation for the Hilton encounter:

While it looks like the two were out partying in Vegas, I think the only two possible reasons these two might be together are 1. chance encounter 2. Britney was asking for advice about Kevin's gift that keeps on giving.

Image via Splash News

Mean girl tells the truth

The story:
Tina Fey told Howard Stern that Paris Hilton is a "piece of shit."

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tina Fey's not a Paris Hilton fan
Best Week Ever says: Live from New York, it's ON bitch
CelebNewsWire says: Paris Hilton: a braless "piece of shit" with chancres
City Rag says: Tina Fey on why Paris Hilton sucks
Gawker says: Tina Fey reveals that Paris Hilton is dumb
Hollywood Rag says: Shanna Moakler says Paris Hilton has herpes
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Tina Fey is honest
Lainey Gossip says: Tina Fey vs Hollywood Ebola
The Superficial says: Tina Fey speaks the truth

Who said it best:
The Superficial is a real fan of Fey:

But if [being a hero] means calling Paris Hilton a tranvestite on national radio then by golly Tina Fey is a hero. Some might even say the greatest hero ever to have lived.

Introducing - Whoress!

The story:
Paris Hilton has a new perfume on the market.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Hurry, don't miss your chance
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton leaves her scent in Dublin
Haute Gossip says: What are we going to name Paris' new fragrance?
Mollygood says: Who are you and what have you done with Paris' face?
Popsugar says: Paris debuts her Heiress

Who said it best:
According to A Socialite's Life, the more things change the more they stay the same:

When Paris Hilton isn't stinking up the United States, she's across the ocean doing more of the same.

High price Hilton

The story:
Paris Hilton is looking for someone to pay her $100,000 (plus expenses) to host their New Year's Eve party. Carmen Electra is a relative bargain at only $50,000 for the night.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton looking for work
Popsugar says: Paris Hilton is overpriced
Celebrity Hijinx says: New Year C*ntdown
A Socialite's Life says: Rent-a-tramp
Mollygood says: Own a piece of Paris for a cool 100 grand
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton is just plain greedy
Dlisted says: It will cost you another $100,000 to have her stank removed
Hollywood Rag says: Buy Paris Hilton or Carmen Electra

Who said it best:
For $100,000 Mollygood thinks you may get more than you bargained for:

Sure, Paris Hilton is really only looking to get paid a hundred grand to host the party, but it's not like you wouldn't end up with a piece of her--be it in vomit form, used thong, discarded shipping heir, crabs for everyone, or even Nicole Richie's carcass, there'd be something to remember her forever by.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

If you saw the video, you won't be surprised

The story:
Nick Carter claims former girlfriend Paris Hilton is a dud in the sack, and takes her own pot with her when she travels.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nick Carter says Paris Hilton is a drug smuggler
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton's sex problems
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton: drug smuggler
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is always high
Yeeeah says: Paris needs pot to put out
Hollywood Rag says: Nick Carter: Paris hid weed in teddy bear

Who said it best:
Sometimes having an std named after you can pay off. Egotastic focuses on why there is no celebrity justice in this story:

It's a little odd that those drug sniffing dogs wouldn't pick up the scent of marijuana on her, but they probably couldn't smell it through all that Eau de Skank.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Straight to video--again

The story:
Paris Hilton is ashamed of her new movie.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is a huge star
Popsugar says: Is Paris going straight to video again?
A Socialite's Life says: Paris lets loose another stinker
Celebitchy says: Paris ruins movies and men's careers
Dlisted says: Parasite Hilton is one big flop
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is too good
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton would rather party

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life wonders where the capacity for shame came from:

All of a sudden she thinks she's too good for shitty movies? That's like her signature style. It would be like if all of a sudden Robert De Niro decided never to do another mafioso role again. Unnatural, I tell you.

Image via Dlisted

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

The story:
Paris Hilton opened her purse at Fashion Week to reveal a small bag of pot inside. Surprisingly, no condoms or antibiotics were visible.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Paris loves her some herb
Gawker says: Paris Hilton hearts Mary Jane
Popsugar says: Paris shows off her stash
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton needs to be in jail
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton goes to pot
Hollywood Tuna says: Paris Hilton likes rolling her own smoke
Mollygood says: Well, she had just left Amsterdam
Defamer says: Bag of weed probably only the third most illegal item in Paris Hilton's purse
Janet Charleton's Hollywood says: Sneak peek
Celebitchy says: Is Paris' purse full of pot?
Dlisted says: Arrest this ho
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton's weed stash
Celebrity Hijinx says: I spy something illegal
Yeeeah says: Paris Hilton's little green bag
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton has bags of pot in her purse

Who said it best:
Haute Gossip isn't buying the publicist's spin:

It makes sense doesn't it? She's missing more than a few brain
cells and now we know why. To be honest, I totally like her more now.

Fight!

The story:
Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler got into a fist fight at Hyde.

Image via Celebrity Hijinx

The combatants:
Mollygood says: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...by Paris Hilton
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler fistfight. Seriously.
Celebitchy says: Shanna Moakler and Paris Hilton both claim to have been attacked
Celebrity Hijinx says: Celebrity Deathmatch 6: A fist vs Paris Hilton's face
Popsugar says: Paris vs Shanna
Dlisted says: Shanna Moakler deserves a Nobel Prize
A Socialite's Life says: It's Paris Hilton vs Shanna Moakler
Tabloid Whore says: Paris Hilton sucker punched by Shanna Moakler. Yes!
CelebNewsWire says: Meet the Fighters, or The Simple Fight
Lainey Gossip says: Pro-love for punched Paris

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire reminds the combatants why fighting is not ladylike:

C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos?

Celebutard Justice

The story:
Paris Hilton played the dumb blonde when questioned by the LAPD about Joe Francis.


The combatants:
Defamer says: Paris Hilton willing to be dumb when it suits her
Dlisted says: Breaking News: Paris Hilton is stupido
CelebNewsWire says: Paris can not tell a lie: she's an idiot
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton admits her stupidity
Popsugar says: Paris knows she is dumb
Faded Youth says: Paris is, like, not that smart
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton can't be this dumb

Who said it best:
Although I'm fairly certain that I am the dumb one for continuing to blog about her, CelebNewsWire managed to make me giggle:

Today in the Shit You Already Knew Department: Paris Hilton says she's, like, not all smart 'n' stuff. Also, sky is blue, water is wet, poop is icky, etc., etc. This concludes the demeaning-to-your-intellect portion of our broadcast.