New Year's Eve canoodles, pt 1

The story:
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer were seen sucking face at the Hudson Hotel party thrown by Christina Aguilera.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson makes out with her Plan B on New Year's Eve
Celebitchy says: John Mayer is toying with Jessica Simpson
CelebNewsWire says: Simpson and Mayer really dating, duet your mom will really love to follow Dlisted says: John and Jessica still together
Faded Youth says: Love is not pretty
Haute Gossip says: Jessica & John make it official
Lainey Gossip says: Jessica and John: bedside to Barneys
Popsugar says: Jessica and John's New Year kiss
The Superficial says: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer get it on in public

Who said it best:
Dlisted thinks Jess should be careful of what she wishes for:

They apparently spent the entire weekend together in NYC are both are happy that the media hasn’t really caught wind of them. Um…probably because they don’t care?

Jessucka won't honour Dolly

The story:
Jessice Simpson attempted to sing '9 to 5' a second time for the Kennedy Center Dolly Parton tribute, but sucked so bad she asked to have it removed from the televised program.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson nixes do-over
Dlisted says: Jessica is a big flop
I'm Not Obsessed says: Jessica Simpson gets removed from Dolly Parton tribute
Popsugar says: Jessica drops out of Dolly tribute
Yeeeah says: Jessica Simpson sucks bigtime

Who said it best:
Yeeeah thinks this may signal the cooling of Jess's formerly hot prospects:

Listen — do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of Jessica’s Simpson’s career going straight down the crapper. And that rustling noise is the sound of Jess digging elbow-deep into a Ruffles bag and stuffing in fistfuls of potato chips while watching Vanessa Minillo on MTV and using her new CD “A Public Affair” as a coaster for her chocolate milkshake.

Jessucka blows at Kennedy Center

The story:
Jessica Simpson screwed up the words to "9 to 5" during a Dolly Parton tribute at the Kennedy Center and fled the stage.



The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson experiences some difficulty while trying to honor Dolly Parton
Best Week Ever says: Fake liveblogging the Jessica Simpson breakdown!
Celebitchy says: Jessica Simpson chokes up during awards performance
Dlisted says: Jessica Simpson can't do anything right
Egotastic says: Jessica Simpson pulls an Ashlee Simpson
Faded Youth says: Jessica's flub
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Simpson runs off crying
I'm Not Obsessed says: Jessica Simpson messes up on Dolly Parton tribute and cries her way offstage
Mollygood says: Jessica Simpson moved to tears by the plight of the 9-5 worker
Popsugar says: Jessica in tears at Kennedy Center tribute
The Superficial says: Jessica Simpson freaks out on stage
Tabloid Whore says: Oopsie. Jessica Simpson screws up tribute to Dolly Parton
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Jessica Simpson can't sing

Who said it best:
Will the Simpson family circle the wagons around Jessica in her time of need? Egotastic isn't so sure:

At least Ashlee can finally say that Jessica is copying her. I bet Ashlee is loving this. I know I am.

Let's hope it was filmed post-Knoxville

The story:
Rumours are swirling about a Jessica Simpson - Nick Lachey sex tape that may have fallen into the wrong hands (ie Papa Joe Simpson).

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson's dad owns a video camera
CelebNewsWire says: Jessica Suckson caught on tape
Egotastic says: Jessica Simpson sex tape!!!!!!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Simpson has a sex tape
Tabloid Whore says: Jessica and Nick named in latest sex tape rumor
Yeeeah says: Jessica Simpson sex tape

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way worries about the tape's effect on Nick:

If anybody should be horrified about seeing this sex tape, it's Nick Lachey. It'd be like a Vietnam vet hearing a firecracker.

Image via Egotastic

Hair today, gone tomorrow

The story:
Jessica Simpson reportedly lost a contract with Miu Miu because she insisted on using Ken Paves as a stylist.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: A girl with some serious hair loyalty
Lainey Gossip says: Jessica Simpson: compromised by assy hair
Popsugar says: Jessica misses out on Miu Miu
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Ken Paves costing Jessica Simpson jobs?

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip understands why Jess would stick with her mane man:

But perhaps it’s a good thing…that Jessie’s staying close to the trailer, not willing to alienate the only folks who find her appealing.

Jessica and John back on, not in Wonderland yet

The story:
Jessica Simpson is dating John Mayer again / still.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: John Mayer and Jessica Simpson once again joined at their personal level of mediocrity
Dlisted says: Are John Mayer and Jessica Simpson back at it?
Hollywood Tuna says: Is Jessica Simpson drunk on love?
Lainey Gossip says: Joe Simpson at work, Jessica and John redux
Mollygood says: Jessica's body possible re-elevated to Wonderland status
Popsugar says: Jessica and John making it work

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip may be feeling disappointed by the non-existence of the Brit/Kfed video:

I say hope John hangs in there. Because in combination with his dating criteria, his fondness for golden showers, and the skills she picked up from Johnny Knoxville in a Louisiana trailer, this relationship could spin off the dirtiest, raunchiest celebrity sex tape ever.

Blonde Ambition tour of shame

The story:
Jessica Simpson is starring in her own version of Clueless, telling Jimmy Kimmel she is doing a movie with Owen Wilson.

Image via Mollygood
The combatants:
The Superficial says: Jessica Simpson makes up movies for her to star in
Popsugar says: Jessica thinks she's Luke's next co-star
A Socialite's Life says: Joe Simpson blows smoke up his daughter's ass
Mollygood says: Jessica Simpson makes world embarassed for her, again
Egotastic says: Jessica Simpson is kinda clueless
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Simpson is ambitious
CelebNewsWire says: Jessica also believes that Joe is the undisputed God of Texas

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire manages to take a shot at all 3 Simpsons:

We hear Papa Joe has a knack for convincing his daughters of things
that are completely untrue. After all, someone must have told Ashlee she had a
really pretty voice.

Who the hell is John Mayer?

The story:
Jessica Simpson is reportedly dating John Mayer.

Image via Lainey Gossip

The combatants:
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: NEWSFLASH: John Mayer dating Jessica Simpson
Lainey Gossip says: Jessica and John: a love well-timed
Popsugar says: Jessica's new man
US Weekly Online says: Jessica and John: hot new romance
Dlisted says: Gross couple alert
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer?
Mollygood says: Jessica Simpson prefers her men a few years past their popstar prime
Celebitchy says: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are mute lovers
Celebrity Hijinx says: A match made in queer music heaven
The Superficial says: Jessica Simpson dates Quasimodo

Who said it best:
While Mollygood comes up with the best headline, Mandy's Mind Is Gossipy wins it's debut entry:

I guess I can't complain, at least it will give me a break up story to write about sometime in the near future. Thanks Jessica, and PS. I always thought that Tuna was chicken too, so don't feel bad.

Newly-divorced

The story:
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's divorce became final today.

Image via Dlisted

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: It's official: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are divorced
Tabloid Whore says: Nick Lachey officially a single man!
Mollygood says: D-day for Nick and Jessica
Dlisted says: The end of an era
Popsugar says: Nick moves on

Who said it best:
Mollygood is obviously a romantic at heart:

The bifurcation of Simpson/Lachey is obviously a blow to love as a concept. I'm sure Nick is too busy giving it to a slew of women to comment. Jessica, on the other hand, is just crying in the corner.

BuBye CaCee

The story:
CaCee Cobb quits her job as Jessica Simpson's assistant.

Image from Getty Images via Dlisted

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Jessica and CaCee - it's over
Dlisted says: CaCee dumps Jessica
US Weekly Online says: Jessica loses her best friend
Popsugar says: CaCee and Jessica break up
Glitterati Gossip says: Jessica Simpson and CaCee Cobb part ways
Lainey's Entertainment Update says: Jessica Simpson: blonde again, single again

Who said it best:
While this sentiment was apparent in most of the stories, Dlisted put it best:

CaCee finally quit so she can screw Nick Lachey out in the open. You know those two hit it during his marriage.