Friday, September 29, 2006

100th post dedicated to the grossly inappropriate

The story:
Anna Nicole Smith married her baby-daddy / lawyer on a yacht in Nassau (according to Star), or maybe not (according to People).

Image via Dlisted
The combatants:
Defamer says: Anna Nicole Smith doesn't like to think of it as 'losing a son' so much as 'gaining a husband'
Popsugar says: Anna Nicole gets married
A Socialite's Life says: Anna marries...
Tabloid Whore says: Sweet Jesus! Anna Nicole marries Howard K. Stern! Hold up! Scratch that!
Mollygood says: Howard K. Stern really rushed Anna Nicole to the alter there, eh?
CelebNewsWire says: We now pronounce you mentally challenged Guess model and lawyer
Celebitchy says: Anna Nicole and Howard not married, it was a "commitment ceremony"
Dlisted says: Anna Nicole Smith and Howard Stern married!!!
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Anna Nicole reportedly marries Lawyer
Hollywood Rag says: Anna Nicole Smith marries her lawyer

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire has some good advice for Anna Nicole:
Far be it from us to tell people how they should mourn, but maybe some chamomile tea and a nice black one-piece would have been more appropriate.


Thursday, September 28, 2006

This'll make you Screech

The story:
Dustin Diamond (aka Screech from Saved by the Bell) has his very own sex video!

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Oh fuck
The Superficial says: Dustin Diamond has a sex tape
Defamer says: Horseman of the sex-tape apocalypse about to deliver Screech scat video
Dlisted says: Say it ain't so Mr Belding! Screech Powers has a sex tape!
Mollygood says: Screech sleeps soundly at night knowing that Zach Morris would never actually attempt the Dirty Sanchez
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: The Dirty Screech
CelebNewsWire says: Oh Screech, oh oh oh
Celebitchy says: Screech from 'Saved by the Bell' in new amateur porn flick
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Screech is almost a porn star
Hollywood Rag says: The Dustin Diamond threesome sex tape

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever encourages you to think before you link:
Once the tape finds its inevitable home on the Internets, we’re all going to have to ask ourselves a very serious - and very important - question: will we watch it?


Friday, September 22, 2006

A non-TaraReid post about boobs

The story:
Barbra Streisand went braless in a see-through shirt at the Clinton Global Initiative.

Image via Dlisted
The combatants:
Hollywood Rag says: Oh my, Barbra Streisand's knockers
Tabloid Whore says: Barbra Streisand's got really big knockers
Dlisted says: Those breasts are just aching for a money shot!
The Superficial says: Barbra Streisand goes braless
Best Week Ever says: Guess the breasts
CelebNewsWire says: Barbraless Streisand
Slam-Cut says: Barbra Streisand's big saggy boobs
We Love Celebs says: Babs needs a bra
Haute Gossip says: My eyes!

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever ensures I will visit them again:
I’m sorry people, I really am. That was just mean.


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Celebutard Justice

The story:
Paris Hilton played the dumb blonde when questioned by the LAPD about Joe Francis.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Paris Hilton willing to be dumb when it suits her
Dlisted says: Breaking News: Paris Hilton is stupido
CelebNewsWire says: Paris can not tell a lie: she's an idiot
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton admits her stupidity
Popsugar says: Paris knows she is dumb
Faded Youth says: Paris is, like, not that smart
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton can't be this dumb

Who said it best:
Although I'm fairly certain that I am the dumb one for continuing to blog about her, CelebNewsWire managed to make me giggle:
Today in the Shit You Already Knew Department: Paris Hilton says she's, like, not all smart 'n' stuff. Also, sky is blue, water is wet, poop is icky, etc., etc. This concludes the demeaning-to-your-intellect portion of our broadcast.

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Yo, no pictures

The story:
Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz got into a tussle with the paparazzi outside a party.

Image via X17 online
The combatants:
Popsugar says: Justin Timberlake takes action
Tabloid Whore says: Justin Timberlake almost beats down a 'razzi
Dlisted says: Cameron Diaz claims photographer tried to run over her ass!
The Superficial says: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake almost murdered
Hollyscoop says: Cameron Diaz files police report
A Socialite's Life says: Justin gives the paparazzi what they want
Mollygood says: Hey look, Justin and Cameron are totally still together
Celebitchy says: Justin freaks at paparazzi
Hollywood Rag says: Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake go nuts
Best Week Ever says: When stars attack: sexy smack
Hollywood Gossip Whores says: Cameron Diaz claims photog tried to run her down
Celebrity Hijinx says: Don't piss off my boyfriend

Who said it best:
Tabloid Whore comes away with the best photo caption:
"Oh Justin, save your muscles for someone who deserves them, you beefcake!"

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Fergie says get off your ass

The story:
Fergie takes a shot at bloggers who criticize her while doing nothing with their own lives.

Image via Dlisted
The combatants:
CelebNewsWire says: Fergie: Just say no to meth. And blogging.
Dlisted says: Fergie tells gays to quit the meth and tells internet users to shut it
Celebrity Hijinx says: This is your face after drugs. Any questions?
Haute Gossip says: Gag me
Hollywood Rag says: Don't talk about Fergie on the internet
Lainey Gossip says: Fergie loves meth, kicks meth, hates you

Who said it best:
Aw, Fergie, why poke the bear? CelebNewsWire has the best rebuttal:
And you know who else Fergie doesn't think is special? Bloggers. Her new album contains a song called "Pedestal" which rips on hardworking folks like you and like us who like to make the typey noise on the keyboard because we have low self-esteem.


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

New boobs?

The story:
Tara Reid reportedly had a breast reduction.

Image via Haute Gossip
The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Did Tara get her boobs done AGAIN?
Defamer says: Tara Reid's breasts, career reduced
Popsugar says: Tara's breasts get downsized
Mollygood says: Tara Reid downgrades order from full to half rack
Hollywood Rag says: Tara Reid gets another boob job

Who said it best:
Defamer explains the reduction in boobage:
Tara Reid has finally decided that her surgically overenhanced breasts were distracting from her acting talent, and recently underwent a reduction to restore the public's focus on her mastery of craft.

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Spit or swallow?

The story:
Nicole Richie took a bite of a hamburger.

Image via Tabloid Whore
The combatants:
Defamer says: Brave hamburger makes ultimate sacrifice in Nicole Richie image rehabilitation campaign
A Socialite's Life says: Hungry like the wolf
Tabloid Whore says: Anyone free for lunch?
Dlisted says: The joke that will never die: Nicole Richie eating!
Mollygood says: Nicole sort of remembers what eating is supposed to look like
Haute Gossip says: Nice try Nicole, I'm not buying it
The Gilded Moose says: Nicole Richie to play Mr Creosote in the 2046 version of 'The Meaning of Life'

Who said it best:
The Gilded Moose has a few words of advice for Nicole:
We don't want to step out of bounds here, but we're very concerned that your current behavior could lead to full kidney function in less than a year and who thinks that's sexy?

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Monday, September 18, 2006

Her be fully loaded

The story:
Lindsay Lohan *slipped* outside a party at Milk Studios and is now reportedly suing because the sidewalk was unsafe.

Image via Haute Gossip
The combatants:
Mollygood says: Lindsay Lohan is on painkillers
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay Lohan tells mom to 'go to hell' and fractures her wrist
Lainey Gossip says: Mama drama and the hospital...again
Haute Gossip says: Lindsay's hospitalised again
Popsugar says: Lindsay Lohan back in the hospital
Dlisted says: Blohan goes to the hospital again
Celebitchy says: Lohan ruins mom's birthday, next night is rushed to hospital
Celebrity Hijinx says: Momma's drama
CelebNewsWire says: Lohan curses mother, snaps wrist

Who said it best:
Haute Gossip gets a lesson on the legal system:
I didn't know you could sue people for getting drunk and falling on your ass (wrist). Cool.

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

Dem bones dem bones

The story:
Kate Bosworth's nipple slip was hardly noticed due to her concentration camp physique.

Image via Haute Gossip
The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Newly single and in need of a dinner date. Hell, she just needs some dinner.
Celebrity Hijinx says: Anorexia chronicles: Kate Bosworth edition
The Superficial says: Kate Bosworth has a nipple slip
Defamer says: Kate Bosworth shriveled teat slip!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Kate Bosworth slips a nip. And some ribs.
Dlisted says: Kate Bosworth's nipple slip
A Socialite's Life says: An interesting view of Kate Bosworth
Mollygood says: Yeesh watch: Kate Bosworth
CelebNewsWire says: Kate Bosworth slips sternum. Oh, and nip or something
Celebitchy says: Kate Bosworth breast slip
Tabloid Whore says: What the hell? Kate Bosworth and her sunken treasure chest

Who said it best:
While there's nothing funny about the state of Kate's exoskeleton, The Superficial finds a giggle:
And if you find yourself tempted to masturbate to these pictures, just head over to your local cemetary and dig up the real thing. It's erotic and it's classy.

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Crack addled whore can't take no more!

The story:
Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from Bobby Brown.

Image via Dlisted
The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: She won't always love hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Whitney Houston drops Bobby like it's hot
I Don't Like You In That Ways says: Whitney is divorcing Bobby
Mollygood says: Whitney and Bobby to Di to the Vorce
Tabloid Whore says: Oh yes, Whitney Houston files for divorce from Bobby Brown
A Socialite's Life says: Can I get an amen?
Dlisted says: Whitney Houston files for legal separation! Will file for divorce!
Popsugar says: Whitney Houston files for separation
Defamer says: Whitney Houston back on the dating scene
The Superficial says: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown separate
Lainey Gossip says: Whitney is the old Britney

Who said it best:
Mollygood is concerned about the impact on Bobby's "career":
So, I'm guessing that upcoming seasons of Being Bobby Brown will include a lot less pulling fecal matter out of one another's orifices? Probably for the best.

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Preston Sean Federline arrives!

The story:
Britney Spears gave birth to boy #2, 6lbs 11oz.

Image via Dlisted
The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Boy #2
Defamer says: Britney Spears gives birth to baby #2, only 17 more to go
The Superficial says: Britney Spears gives birth
Celebrity Hijinx says: She did it again but somehow I don't think it was an "Oops"
Popsugar says: Is it a boy for Britney?
Dlisted says: It's official: Britney has an untitled new baby boy
A Socialite's Life says: Sean Preston Federline relieved that new sibling was born
Tabloid Whore says: It's official! Britney Spears gives birth to son #2
Mollygood says: Britney (maybe) has surprisingly gendered baby
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney Spears had a boy
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Britney's uterus spews forth latest "Federline"
CelebNewsWire says: Baby Spears Federline II enters the world

Who said it best:
Mollygood has a different take on motherhood:
It must feel just like the old days for Britney, surrounded by men (who mostly want to commune with her breasts).


Friday, September 08, 2006

Justice is finally served

The story:
Paris Whoreton arrested for drunk driving.

Image via Haute Gossip
The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Karma's a killer
Celebrity Hijinx says: Throw the book at her. Don't worry, she can't read
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton arrested for DUI
Defamer says: Paris Hilton surrenders her DUI maidenhead
Popsugar says: Paris Hilton arrested!
Dlisted says: Does jizz have alcohol in it?
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton pulls a Mel Gibson
Tabloid Whore says: Paris Hilton charged with DUI: "All I wanted was a burger"
Mollygood says: Paris Hilton DUI, celebrity justice
Celebitchy says: Paris' middle name is Lohitney and other DUI details
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Sexually frustrated Paris turns to drinking and driving for cheap thrills

Who said it best:
So hard to pick a winner on this most awesome story, but here are a couple of highlights that made me giggle:
Why is it that lower class women working 3 jobs and raising 2 kids are never in the hospital complaining of "fatigue?" I'll show you fatigue, Paris. I'll grab you by your vaginal piercing and drag you around some poorer neighborhoods where people actually work for a living and have a reason to feel beat up. [Celebrity Hijinx]

One had the feeling that there were only so many times that category-defining celebutard Paris Hilton could emerge from a club, teeter over to that night's luxury automobile with paparazzi documenting every wobbly, stiletto-hindered step, and swerve off into the night before a cop would give her the chance to fail a Breathalyzer. [Defamer]

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Sunday, September 03, 2006

Are there really 75,000 idiots out there?

The story:
Paris Hilton's debut cd (I shudder to think there may be a follow up) sold only 75,000 copies in its first week.

Image via Haute Gossip
The combatants:
Celebridiot says: Paris Hilton cd not flying off as fast as her pants
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton's cd is a flop
I Don't Like You In That Way says: "Paris" sucks
A Socialite's Life says: Paris not exactly a pop sensation
Haute Gossip says: Thud
Celebrity Hijinx says: Breaking News: Stars Are Blind, not deaf
Dlisted says: Danity Kane beats Paris
Mollygood says: People want to listen to Paris about as much as they want to bump uglies with her
Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx is willing to fill Paris in on her sales projections:
Don't expect Paris' CD to outsell her porn video anytime soon.