Celebutard Justice at last!

The story:
Paris Hilton has been sent back to jail to serve her full 45 day sentence.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Hilton is back at the Lynwood Hilton
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton going back to jail; someone finally had a lick of sense in their head
Best Week Ever says: Paris is going back to jail!
Cele|bitchy says: Paris going back to jail!
Defamer says: Judge orders Paris back to jail, immediate halt of all cupcake deliveries
Dlisted says: Paris has to serve entire 45 days!
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton is going back to jail!!!!!
The Evil Beet says: Paris is going back to jail
Haute Gossip says: Paris slapped back in jail. This time for the full 45 days. There is a God.
Hollywood Rag says: Crying Paris Hilton goes back to the slammer
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton back to jail, back to 45 days minus 5
I'm Not Obsessed says: Paris Hilton is going back to jail
Lainey Gossip says: Rocky rules!!!
Popsugar says: Paris back to jail!!!!!
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Paris is going back to jail for her 45 day sentence
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton ordered back to jail
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Paris is back in jail

Who said it best:
It's hard to stop smiling long enough to pick a winner, so here are three:

Judge Sauer wasted little time in telling Paris to go directly to jail: do not go home, do not stop at Hyde for a last round of drinks. (Agent Bedhead)

Ladies and gentlemen, if life were a movie, this would be the point when you turn to your friend and say “This is the best movie ever made.” (Best Week Ever)

Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And 0me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head and there was a strange tingling sensation in my pants. (The Superficial)

Image via INF Photo

Who's your daddy?

The story:
Anna Nicole Smith is being forced to submit her baby to a DNA test for Larry Birkhead.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Anna Nicole's baby to find out who her real father is
Dlisted says: There is no hiding now for Anna Nicole
Faded Youth says: Who da babydaddy?
Glitterati Gossip says: Anna Nicole Smith ordered to submit daughter for paternity test
I'm Not Obsessed says: Howard K Stern is shaking in his boots

Who said it best:
Faded Youth is a little tired of Smith and her paternity drama:

My prediction? They're already on their way to a small Mexican city where we'll never hear from them again. (Coincidentally, that also my wish.)

Jail time for Stick-ole?

The story:
California law may require Nicole Richie to serve mandatory time in jail if convicted of DUI as she has a previous conviction on her record.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole might go inside
Celebitchy says: Nicole Richie has an earlier DUI and could be sent to jail for 5 days
CelebNewsWire says: Get your period, go to jail
Dlisted says: Is Nicole Richie going to the big house?
Faded Youth says: Is Nicole going to the slammer?
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie might go to jail
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Nicole Richie is going to jail
Mollygood says: Nicole is (not) headed for the clink
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie has to go to jail
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: It's a Christmas miracle
Yeeeah says: Nicole Richie's DUI could mean jail time

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire thinks the jail time will be especially tough for Richie:

Five days might not seem like a lot to you, but imagine how poor Nicole must feel facing five full days packed with carby, trans fat-filled prison food and no Blackberry access. Oh well, at least she'll be popular with the inmates; they can use her hipbone as a shiv.

PMS? Give me a break

The story:
Nicole Richie claims that she was taking Vicodin because of menstrual cramps. And then she swatted a fly with a rocket launcher.


The combatants:
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie blames it on female trouble
Faded Youth says: Blame it on your rag
Haute Gossip says: Nicole pleads the PMS defense
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie took Vicodin for her period
Lainey Gossip says: Nicole Richie: the Aunt Flow excuse
Mollygood says: Oh Nicole! She was on the rag, that's all
Popsugar says: Nicole's lame excuse
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! says: Nicole Richie took the vicodin for cramps?
Tabloid Whore says: Nicole Richie blames it all on the cramps

Who said it best:
Faded Youth is tired of Nicole's excuses and has some advice:

Enough with the lies and cover-ups, Nicole! Eat a sandwich, get your ass into rehab and start talkin' the truth! We all know you're too skinny to menstrate in the first place!

85lbs and high as a kite

The story:
Nicole Richie was busted for DUI over the weekend. The booking sheet lists her as 5'1" and 85lbs.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole smokes a bowl, pops some pills, drives, and gets busted
Best Week Ever says: Nicole Richie is 5'1", 85lbs of drugged-up trouble
Celebitchy says: Nicole Richie arrested for DUI
CelebNewsWire says: Nicole Richie drugs 'n drives, weighs 85lbs
Celebrity Hijinx says: Nicole Richie picked up on DUI
Defamer says: Nicole Richie latest to join in celebrity DUI craze
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie arrested for DUI
Egotastic says: Nicole Richie got is busted
Faded Youth says: Busted!
Haute Gossip says: Nicole arrested
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie arrested
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Nicole Richie got arrested
I'm Not Obsessed says: Nicole Richie arrested for DUI
Lainey Gossip says: Nicole Richie DUI
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: DUI charges the latest big thing to hit Hollywood!
Mollygood says: Nicole Richie's ch-ch-ch-changes
Popsugar says: Nicole arrested for DUI
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! says: And the smiley mugshots are back
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie arrested for DUI
Tabloid Whore says: Nicole Richie arrested afte driving wrong way on 134 freeway
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Nicole Richie is under arrest

Who said it best:
According to Defamer, Nicole has one-upped her DUI contemporaries:

Nicole Richie shows the amateurs how a substance-abusing pro earns a traffic stop: according to TMZ, Richie was popped very early this morning for driving the wrong way on the 134 in Burbank after two motorists, understandably alarmed by the sight of an SUV piloted by what seemed to be an eleven-year-old girl traveling against the flow of traffic, called 911.

Image via The Smoking Gun

Non-surprise of the week

The story:
Pete Doherty was arrested in London for having crack cocaine in his car.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Doherty diety report: crack at it again
A Socialite's Life says: Pete Doherty gets pinched for crack cocaine for like the one jillionth time
Celebitchy says: Pete and Repeat got in a boat. Pete got arrested for drugs...
CelebNewsWire says: And he still gets to pork a model
Dlisted says: Huge and surprising news
Lainey Gossip says: Junkie Pete rises again - Kate better with Leo?
Popsugar says: Pete back on crack?

Who said it best:
Dlisted has a positive outlook about the situation:

I do think that a good thing can come out of this for Pete. He’s bound to be in the Guinness World Records for being the biggest crackhead or being arrested the most times without serving actual jail time.

Image from Getty Images via Dlisted

Look out kids, it's Brangelina

The story:
Angelina Jolie's security guards were accused of pushing children and their parents outside a school where she is currently filming.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Brad meets with police
Defamer says: Indian mothers stampede location shoot to save children from unwanted Jolie adoption
Dlisted says: Surprise, surprise
Glitterati Gossip says: Angelina bodyguards arrested
Lainey Gossip says: Pitt protection out of control, the Pitts in NO?
Popsugar says: Angelina's bodyguards strike again
Seriously? OMG! WFTF?! says: Angelina Jolie's bodyguards shove parents picking up their kids from school
The Superficial says: Angelina Jolie's bodyguards push around kids

Who said it best:
The Superficial understands how the problem came about:

Yeah, I can see the confusion. Paparazzi and school children can look so alike. One is about 10-years old and wears a backpack, and the other is around 40 and comes running at you with 30 lbs of camera equipment yelling "Who did you sleep with last night?!" They might as well be identical twins.

Image via Dlisted

If the network fits, you must watch sh*t

The story:
OJ Simpson will appear on a new Fox tv special talking about how he hypothetically could have killed Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: OMG OJ, just stop talking
Best Week Ever says: OJ hypothetically confesses to hypothetically killing two people. Hypothetically.
Defamer says: Fox anticipates huge ratings for upcoming reality special, 'When (and if) former Heisman trophy winners (were to) attack'
Dlisted says: O.J. is doing what?
Hollywood Rag says: O.J. Simpson must have killed her
Mollygood says: Well, first I would find a glove that, get this, doesn't quite fit
Tabloid Whore says: OJ to tell in television interview how he "hypothetically" killed Ron and Nicole

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever wonders about the title of the new show:

Fox has dubbed it “the interview that will shake the nation.” Because “the interview that will sneak up on the nation and stab them numerous times” would be just a little too much. Hypothetically.

Image via Hollywood Rag

Hell no, I won't go!

The story:
Anna Nicole Smith is refusing to leave the Bahamian home she claims was a gift from a former suitor.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Anna Nicole overstays her welcome
Defamer says: Anna Nicole Smith's darkest moments rendered darker by failure to pay electric bill
Dlisted says: I'm sure Anna didn't even notice
Glitterati Gossip says: Anna Nicole looks for a new house
TMZ says: The lights aren't on and Anna is home

Who said it best:
TMZ has ferreted out the real tragedy here:

Without warning, Anna had no juice for her hairdryer, no power to watch herself on "E.T." -- nothing.

To the pound!

The story:
Snoop Dogg was busted at Bob Hope Airport for having a gun and marijuana in his car.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Snoop Dogg arrested
Defamer says: Snoop Dogg arrested at Burbank airport, maintains guns and weed are neither liquids nor gel
Popsugar says: Snoop Dogg arrested
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Snoop Dogg is predictable
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: The Man's got Snoop down again!

Who said it best:
Noone is surprised about this latest turn of events, and Mandy's Mind Is Gossipy seems to think it's overkill at this point:

Ok, Snoop we get it! You're hardcore! You have enough street cred for your whole posse. Now it's time to just sit down with a blunt and relax for awhile.

Image via Dlisted

She'll beat a bitch (again)

The story:
Naomi Campbell arrested yet again for assault, this time on her drug counselor.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Naomi Campbell never not beating people
Tabloid Whore says: Naomi Campbell scratches the shit out of her therapist
Popsugar says: Naomi attacks and arrested again
A Socialite's Life says: Naomi Campbell's hands of mass destruction strike again!
Mollygood says: My question is, why was Naomi Campbell's drug counselor stealing her jeans?
Yeeeah says: Naomi Campbell can't stop hitting people
Celebitchy says: Naomi Campbell scratched a drug counselor on the face and chest
Dlisted says: Naomi Campbell, please report to the principal's office
Hollywood Rag says: Naomi Campbell arrested for scratching

Who said it best:
Dlisted thinks Naomi better be very choosy about who she picks on next:

One day Naomi is going to mess with the wrong ghetto bitch. Seriously, I want one of those chicks just to take her down. Is Shanna Moakler looking for a job?

Image via Celebitchy

Better get some soap on a rope

The story:
Wesley Snipes has been indicted on charges of tax evasion.



The combatants:
The Superficial says: Wesley Snipes steals from the government
Defamer says: White men can't jump, but they can write a pretty good tax evasion indictment
A Socialite's Life says: Snipes penal problem
Tabloid Whore says: Wesley Snipes indicted on tax fraud
Celebitchy says: Wesley Snipes is on the lam
Seriously? OMG! WTF? says: Wesley Snipes indicted on 8 counts of tax fraud
Hollywood Rag says: Wesley Snipes didn't pay his taxes

Who said it best:
Celebitchy takes a shot at Snipes' career:

Holy crap, Wesley Snipes owes 12 million in back taxes to the US Government, and he’s on the lam. It’s just like one of his movies, and if I could remember any of them to reference I would.

Image via Tabloid Whore

Justice is finally served

The story:
Paris Whoreton arrested for drunk driving.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Karma's a killer
Celebrity Hijinx says: Throw the book at her. Don't worry, she can't read
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton arrested for DUI
Defamer says: Paris Hilton surrenders her DUI maidenhead
Popsugar says: Paris Hilton arrested!
Dlisted says: Does jizz have alcohol in it?
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton pulls a Mel Gibson
Tabloid Whore says: Paris Hilton charged with DUI: "All I wanted was a burger"
Mollygood says: Paris Hilton DUI, celebrity justice
Celebitchy says: Paris' middle name is Lohitney and other DUI details
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Sexually frustrated Paris turns to drinking and driving for cheap thrills

Who said it best:
So hard to pick a winner on this most awesome story, but here are a couple of highlights that made me giggle:

Why is it that lower class women working 3 jobs and raising 2 kids are never in the hospital complaining of "fatigue?" I'll show you fatigue, Paris. I'll grab you by your vaginal piercing and drag you around some poorer neighborhoods where people actually work for a living and have a reason to feel beat up. [Celebrity Hijinx]

One had the feeling that there were only so many times that category-defining celebutard Paris Hilton could emerge from a club, teeter over to that night's luxury automobile with paparazzi documenting every wobbly, stiletto-hindered step, and swerve off into the night before a cop would give her the chance to fail a Breathalyzer. [Defamer]

Another child star in trouble

The story:
Haley Joel Osment crashed his car (a 1995 Saturn!) and had to be taken to the hospital.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: 'I see dead people' kid flips his car in crash
Mollygood says: Child actor reemerges; unfortunately it was from under a car
Celeb NewsWire says: Osment can't drive 55
The Superficial says: Haley Joel Osment is in the hospital
Defamer says: Haley Joel Osment finally grows up

Who said it best:
Celeb NewsWire takes the obvious play on words one step further:

Although, as he was being wheeled into the ambulance, he reportedly whispered, "I see drunk people."

I still hate Paris Hilton

The story:
Paris Whoreton backed into another car in a parkade and left without leaving a note for the driver of the damaged vehicle.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Paris Hilton hits cars and doesn't care about the handicapped
Best Week Ever says: Paris peels out, breaks law
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton is an excellent driver
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton should be in jail
Haute Gossip says: Can't any of these bitches drive?
Mollygood says: Cited for 'driving while Paris'
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton hits and runs
Popsugar says: Paris hits and runs
Defamer says: Paris Hilton too rich, beautiful, to care about car she hit

Who said it best:
Popsugar puts psychic powers to use again:

I bet we’ll get some sort of statement from her publicist saying she has contacted the owner blah, blah, blah.

Check out Elliot Mintz' statement here.

Go directly to jail (again)

The story:
Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail for 60 days for violating her parole.

Image via Popsugar

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler! Michelle Rodriguez going back to jail
Tabloid Whore says: Michelle Rodriguez heads back to the slammer
US Weekly Online says: Michelle Rodriguez to spend 60 days in jail
Perez Hilton says: Michelle Rodriguez going to jail! Again!!!!
Popsugar says: Karma's a bitch for Michelle Rodriguez
Defamer says: Michelle Rodriguez looking forward to 60 more days of prison 'me time'
Celebrity Hijinx says: Jailbait
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Michelle Rodriguez is back in jail

Who said it best:
Tabloid Whore manages to find a silver lining in Michelle's latest cloud:

Please! Someone make a reality show out of this NOW!

I would totally watch that!

Go directly to jail. Do not pass go.

The story:
Michelle Rodriguez chooses jail time over community service.

Image via A Socialite's Life

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: Michelle Rodriguez behind bars. That's right.
A Socialite's Life says: Michelle Rodriguez is still an odd bird
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Michelle Rodriguez is in jail
Popsugar says: So long Michelle Rodriguez
Celebrity Hijinx says: Aloha jail
The Superficial says: Michelle Rodriguez going to jail

Who said it best:
The Superficial nails it with this analysis:

It makes sense she would choose jail over community service since she always looks like she just got ouf of prison anyway.

Doherty's Groundhog Day

Image via A Socialite's Life

The story:
Sometime Kate Moss boyfriend Pete Doherty was re-arrested for possession just three hours after getting out of court on drug charges.

The combatants:
Popsugar says: Pete Doherty is a train wreck
The Superficial says: Pete Doherty arrested again after sentencing
Perez Hilton says: Pete Doherty - unluckiest man alive!
A Socialite's Life says: Pete Doherty arrested for possession just hours after leaving court

Who said it best:
Once again The Superficial wit wins out:

On a side note, how did this ugly monkey of a man ever bag Kate Moss? Sharing a love of cocaine is one thing, but vomiting everytime you look at the guy is another.