Short man's honeymoon cut short

The story:
Tom and Katie had to cut their honeymoon short due to bad weather.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Extraterrestrials fail to shield Tom and Katie from rain
Celebrity Hijinx says: Ahoy Matee
Dlisted says: Tom Cruise smells
Faded Youth says: They're baaaaaaack!
Lainey Gossip says: Little Sci comes home
Mollygood says: They're baaaack!
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: TomKat's marriage off to a stormy start

Who said it best:
Mollygood thinks the time away may have enabled the celebrity couple to establish the ground rules for the marriage:

At least Tom seems to have embraced his role as the shorter parent next to his towering bride.

Image via Splash News

Top Gum

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding kiss lasted 3 minutes to the horror of most of the guests.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tom lasted 3 minutes
Best Week Ever says: The first and last kiss
Haute Gossip says: Ew gross, the never-ending kiss
Lainey Gossip says: Tom & Katie: more UNintimate details
Popsugar says: The Tom and Katie kiss
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kiss forever

Who said it best:
There was a reason for the extended liplock, and Haute Gossip has the scoop:

Maybe they were passing secret scientology messages?

Only 9 years, 362 days to go for Katie

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were *married* in Italy on Saturday.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Tom Cruise, blah blah blah
A Socialite's Life says: Katie Holmes is officially now Kate Cruise
Celebitchy says: TomKat marriage ceremony is over, whether it's real is up to debate
CelebNewsWire says: Tom Thumb takes a bride
Celebrity Hijinx says: It's official
Dlisted says: Tom and Katie make their fake relationship official
Haute Gossip says: TomKat make it legit
Hollywood Rag says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding pics
Lainey Gossip says: Wedding legality, the reaction, and sterility too?
Mollygood says: Tom and Katie wed...in a cave...?
Popsugar says: Tom and Katie are officially married
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so married
Tabloid Whore says: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding photo

Who said it best:
Like the official wedding photo? The Superficial is also a big fan of its composition:

If you check out the wedding photo you'll notice Tom Cruise is standing taller than Katie Holmes which isn't the case at all. Some will probably argue they asked Katie to squat under her wedding dress or some other demeaning nonsense but I'm sticking to my original theory: the magic of Scientology

Suri in Rome

The story:
Tom and Katie were photographed with Suri in Rome.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: TomKat takes Suri Cruise out in public
CelebNewsWire says: Suri lives
Dlisted says: Suri is real
Haute Gossip says: Egad! It's really Suri
Lainey Gossip says: Little Sci full face!
Mollygood says: Suri's just pissed that Dad keeps copping her hairstyle
Tabloid Whore says: Suri hits the town with Mommy & Daddy

Who said it best:
Mollygood gets the goods on Tom's upcoming wedding style:

Tom just wishes he could cover up his baby chub with a frilly little dress like Miss Suri can.

Image via Dlisted

Nice undies

The story:
Katie Holmes spent $3000 on wedding night lingerie.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: The mysterious behaviour of one Katie Holmes
A Socialite's Life says: Tom is looking forward to the $340 thong
Best Week Ever says: Katie blows three grand on lingerie that will ultimately be ignored
CelebNewsWire says: Katie Holmes' pricey lingerie is not useless, she swears
Defamer says: Tragically optimistic Katie Holmes buys lacy underthings for wedding night
Glitterati Gossip says: TomKat wedding watch: the lingerie details!
The Scoop says: Katie spends $3,000 on wedding lingerie
Yeeeah says: Katie Holmes buys expensive panties

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire gets a little misty eyed for the next Mrs Cruise:

We thought there was no sadder sight in the world than the look on our niece's face when we stole her mint chocolate chip waffle cone that time we were really hungry, but were we to see Katie Holmes on her wedding night, bedecked in expensive jewel-encrusted lingerie and being talked down from a Toblerone binge by the telephone presence of Victoria Beckham while Tom squeezed in one last auditing session (Sample excerpt: "You love vaginas, Tom. They are soft and warm and give life. And you especially love the vagina of your wife, Katie, as it brought forth future Church overlord Suri. You can't wait to return to your hotel and touch it.), that would truly be heartbreaking.

Grazzi per no grazzi

The story:
Tom and Katie may not be able to have a Catholic wedding in Italy.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: TomKat Italian wedding confusion
Celebitchy says: TomKat's wedding may not be legal in Italy
Defamer says: Tom Cruise might not get the Catholic wedding ceremony he'd been hoping for
Dlisted says: No Catholic wedding for TomKat
Glitterati Gossip says: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes: big trouble in Italy
Haute Gossip says: Priest says "Hell no!" to TomKat
Popsugar says: Tom and Katie's wedding snag

Who said it best:

A Socialite's Life doesn't see the problem:

Seriously, Italy. The woman's dress is going to be custom-made by Giorgia Armani. How much more does the Italian government need to endorse this union?

Date set for stage 2 of Katie's contractual duties

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have set a wedding date.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Cruise and Holmes invite tabloids to nuptial snipe hunt in Italy in mid-November
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are really getting married
Lainey Gossip says: Cruise confirms everything
A Socialite's Life says: Let the countdown begin
Mollygood says: Suri Cruise: bastard child no more
Dlisted says: The world will end on November 18th
Hollywood Rag says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes set wedding date
Tabloid Whore says: Tom and Katie: a wedding date is announced
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: It's official! Hell to freeze over November 18th

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip knows the big event will bring out the big stars:

Three weeks of mounting anticipation, three weeks of stirred frenzy, three weeks of travel plans for pappies, three weeks of Cruise Countdown, and three weeks for Victoria Beckham to lose another 5 pounds - she always does before big events, didn't you know?

Things that make you go hmmm

The story:
Suri Cruise's birth certificate has come out of hiding. No sign of baby.

Image via TMZ

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Suri Cruise has landed
Defamer says: Suriwatch: The paper trail
Jossip says: A birth certificate does not a Suri Cruise-Holmes make
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Suri Cruise is suspicious
Mollygood says: Suri Cruise and the most suspect birth certificate ever
Tabloid Whore says: Suri Cruise's birth certificate uncovered. Millions of people now trying to figure out if it was faked.
The Superficial says: Suri Cruise birth certificate
Popsugar says: Suri exists on paper

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx uncovers our real interest in the story:

Suri Cruise seems to have more conspiracy theories than the assassination of JFK.

Mission Possible released

Image via The Gilded Moose

The story:
The TomKitten arrives.

The combatants:
Perez Hilton says: Baby Cruise is born, given alien name
The Bosh says: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have a girl
Lainey Gossip says: Hello little Sci
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes give birth to Suri
Celebrity Hijinx says: Katie gave birth on the moon!
Defamer says: Silent Blockbuster - Tom Cruise's miracle baby finally arrives
Popsugar says: Baby Cruise is here!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Katie Holmes finally gave birth
US Weekly Online says: A Girl for Katie Homes and Tom Cruise
Dlisted says: It's barley water for baby Suri
The Gilded Moose says: Tom Cruise baby spawned, Los Angeles UNDER SIEGE

Who said it best:
Lainey deconstructs the Cruise PR machine:

"At press time, there are no details surrounding the birth, though not for lack of trying. Textbook Scientology stealth, if you ask me. All of a sudden they're dating. Then she's pregnant. Then she gives birth and abracadabra gay poofter - Mission Impossible 3 is due out in just 2 weeks. His timing is impeccable, non? Impeccable and yet more than a little suspect."