Paris' privates on view for $40

The story:
A new website is selling off some of Paris Hilton's belongings that were left in a storage locker, including nude photos and video.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton for sale
Best Week Ever says: Latest scandalous "Paris site" confirms everything we already knew about Paris Hilton
Cele|bitchy says: Paris' precious moments
CelebNewsWire says: "I got f*cked in the butt for coke!"
Defamer says: Today's opportunity to see Paris Hilton engaging in videotaped sex acts
Dlisted says: Do you really want to see Paris taking a bubble bath?
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton exposed...again
FHollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton exposed
I Don't Like You In That Way says: You can buy Paris Hilton's crap
Mollygood says: Paris Hilton overexposed
Popsugar says: Paris very very very exposed
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton gets exposed
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Paris Hilton is for sale

Who said it best:
No need to spend the 40 bucks yourself when Best Week Ever will sum up the site's contents for you:

So there you have it - sift through a little of Paris’ trashy trash and have your minds blown by all the documented evidence suggesting that she’s kind of slutty and stupid.

Now we now where Lilo gets the classy from

The story:
Dina Lohan was spotted in a NY restaurant being digitally serviced by a male friend.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Dina Lohan's gonna fake an appendectomy any day now
Celebitchy says: Lindsay's mom gets fingered at dinner
CelebNewsWire says: Ali Lohan sure has a lot to live up to
Celebrity Hijinx says: Dina's dining etiquette
Dlisted says: Like daughter, like mother and vice versa
Faded Youth says: The one-finger salute
Haute Gossip says: Mama Lohan gets fingered
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Dina Lohan is slutty too
Lainey Gossip says: Dina Lohan, finger follies
Mollygood says: Dinasaurus enjoys the digital age
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Dina Lohan is friendly
Yeeeah says: Lohan DNA ripe with skankiness

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire knows there is a plausible explanation for all this:

We're sure the kindly gentleman had heard about Lindsay's recent battle with appendicitis and, fearing such things run in families, was checking for inflammation. He was concerned about Dina's health, obviously.

Image via Lainey Gossip

Desperate for attention

The story:
After a visit to the Playboy Mansion, Paris and Nicky Hilton posed together like 2 whores on a double stick.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Ugh
Celebitchy says: Paris and Nicky being pervy
Dlisted says: Trading crabs
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton gets kinky with sister Nicky
Faded Youth says: Trash
Haute Gossip says: Paris & Nicky are close
Hollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton is still embarassing
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris and Nicky are creepy
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! says: Paris & Nicky Hilton's boyfriends' parents do not approve of them
The Superficial says: Paris & Nicky Hilton almost do it with each other
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: What the hell is this?

Who said it best:
Dlisted may have figured out what the pose was all about:

Maybe this is a seasonly occurence so their crabs can get some new scenery! You know the way birds fly south for the winter!

Image via Matrix Photos

JLo busts a g-string

The story:
Jennifer Lopez was photographed with butt crack hanging out of her jeans, and what looked like the remains of a broken thong.

The combatants:
Celebitchy says: The latest celeb not wearing panties is...
CelebNewsWire says: JLo shows a bit of what's BLo
Dlisted says: I think I see a dingleberry
Lainey Gossip says: JLo: the incomparable ass and a potential hair crisis
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Jennifer Lopez wears jeans with no underwear

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire mourns the story this could have been last year:

We can no longer be titillated by a slice of J.Lo crack. What will be next to fall from gossip hound graces? The sheer blouse? The red-carpet nip slip? You are killing our art, Britney.

Brit's b-day, complete with panties and half-wedgie

The story:
Britney Spears celebrated her 25th birthday over the weekend by showing off some of the new panties she purchased last week.

The combatants:
Celebitchy says: Britney turned 25, but where was Paris?
CelebNewsWire says: Britney Spears panty party! Britney Spears panty party!
Dlisted says: Breaking news: BritBrit wears panties
Haute Gossip says: Brit flashes us AGAIN
I'm Not Obsessed says: Britney Spears gets her cake and shows off her panties
Lainey Gossip says: Britney Spears at 25
Mollygood says: You know Brit don't give a 'f' cause it's her birthday
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Britney spends her 25th birthday wearing panties!!!
The Superficial says: Britney Spears turns 25

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip is impressed with Brit's work ethic:

Britney may be borderline learning impaired but she’s also one of the best, one of the most manipulative famewhores in the business, as you can see from her open antics at Mr. Chow during her birthday dinner.

Image via FlyNetOnline.com

Since we didn't get that sex tape...

The story:
Britney Spears' first husband Jason Alexander is going to write a book about his time with the pop tart.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney's horrible taste in men will haunt her until the day she dies
Best Week Ever says: Britney's first poor marriage decision adorably lapping up last drops of his own relevance
Celebitchy says: Britney's first husband to write tell-all book
CelebNewsWire says: In lieu of Britney vag, we bring you Britney sex tales
Lainey Gossip says: Britney: everyone has a story
Popsugar says: Everybody's talking about Britney

Who said it best:
Celebitchy explains why Alexander decided to write the tell-all now:

He claims there’s no way he would get back with Britney again. This seems to be a turnaround from his previous statements that he still loves her. Chances are he saw her once-coveted snatch online like the rest of us.

Image via lime-light.org

At least she's still wearing panties

The story:
Britney and Paris are still partying like BFF, in LA this time, and Britney managed to flash her panties for the paparazzi.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney slumming again
Celebrity Hijinx says: Rock out with her cock out (almost)
Dlisted says: The STD twins are out again!
Egotastic says: Britney Spears joins the upskirt club
Gossip or Truth says: Britney and Paris part II
Haute Gossip says: Double your pleasure
Lainey Gossip says: Britney & Paris: inseparable in LA
Mollygood says: This used to be Kfed's playground
Popsugar says: Britney makes it so hard
The Superficial says: Britney Spears takes lessons from Paris Hilton

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip would like to be a fly on the wall when these party girls hit the club:

Given that she willingly married Kevin Federline and was pimped into superstardom by her parents before learning how to spell properly, Britney’s intellectual capabilities likely hover somewhere around Jessica Simpson’s and since we all know Paris Hilton is as dumb as f&ck (thank you Tina Fey), I can’t even imagine the size of the cerebral black hole that undoubtedly opens up in the universe whenever these two get together.

Image via Britney.com

I was onstage doing a bit, yada yada yada, arrived at Betty Ford this morning

The story:
Michael Richards reportedly used the 'N' word in his act at the Laugh Factory over the weekend.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Kramer pulls a Mel Gibson
Best Week Ever says: Kramer's racist rant the best thing to happen to Paul Rodriguez's career since Born in East LA
Celebitchy says: Kramer cements his status as a punchline
CelebNewsWire says: Michael Richards racist tirade
Defamer says: Kramer's new racist material not exactly a hit at the Laugh Factory
Dlisted says: WTF happened to Kramer?!
Hollywood Rag says: Cosmo Kramer's racist rant video
Mollygood says: What is the deal with Kramer?
Popsugar says: Michael Richards makes Jerry (and us) sick
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Michael Richards uses the n word on stage
The Superficial says: Michael Richards is a racist clown
Tabloid Whore says: Michael Richards single-handedly self destructs career in one evening

Who said it best:
Is it deja vu all over again? Defamer thinks so:

TMZ has video of the incident, which should retain its replay value long after his publicists issue a press release explaining that the comedian has checked into Promises Malibu to battle the alcohol-fueled demons that would make him say such hateful things about a minority group.

Heidi's Stud Farm

The story:
Heidi Fleiss has hired Mike Tyson to be the main attraction at her Nevada brothel for women.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: You sexy beast
A Socialite's Life says: Want to f**k Mike Tyson?
Celebitchy says: Mike Tyson to be a male prostitute for Heidi Fleiss
Celebrity Hijinx says: Why pay when he'll rape you for free?
Dlisted says: Oh sick! Mike Tyson's gonna be a hooker!
Tabloid Whore says: Heidi Fleiss gives Mike Tyson a job at the stud farm

Who said it best:
Dlisted thinks there may be a niche market for Tyson out there:

Ok if you’re into a rape fantasies or getting banged by Mickey Mouse then this could work for you.

Sean Preston and Jayden James will be so proud of dad!

The story:
Kevin Federline is reportedly shopping a sex tape that he made with Britney Spears when they first got together.

The combatants:
Celebitchy says: Will Kfed get $50 mil for a real sex tape?
CelebNewsWire says: Federlines only marketable asset: Britney sex tape
Dlisted says: Is Kfed selling the Britney sex tape?
Egotastic says: This Britney Spears sex tape has been brought to you by Kevin Federline
Glitterati Gossip says: Is Kfed blackmailing Britney?
Hollywood Rag says: Kevin Federline might sell a sex tape
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney Spears is almost a porn star
Mollygood says: ...but do we really want to see Kevin's O-face?
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline to sell sex tape
Yeeeah says: Britney sex tape to hit the net

Who said it best:

CelebNewsWire is getting a little tired of the Federlines:

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline.

Is Scar-Jo the mystery BJ woman?

The story:
There may be an audio sex tape of Scarlett Johannson floating around.

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: The mystery of the ScarJo sex tape
CelebNewsWire says: ScarJo ScarBlo?
Dlisted says: A Scarlett Johannson sex tape?!
Egotastic says: Scarlett Johannson sex tape?
Spank Cheeks says: The Scarlett Letter
Suicide Girls says: The Scarlett Letter: mystery sex tape stirs controversy

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever is hoping the story is true:

This is one of two things: Either, it’s greatest hoax of the year; or, the greatest thing to happen to celebrity sex tapes… maybe ever?

Image via Mollygood

Bend over like (Victoria) Beckham

The story:
Victoria Beckham is wearing her hair short because her extensions kept falling out during sex with uber-hot hubby David.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: The reason behind Victoria Beckham's hair loss
CelebNewsWire says: Victoria Beckham loses hair sextensions
Celebrity Hijinx says: Posh hates it hairy
Dlisted says: She has sex?
Haute Gossip says: Posh likes it rough
Lainey Gossip says: Posh and Becks: hot sex causes alopecia?
Mollygood says: Nothing kills the mood like fake hair in the bed
Popsugar says: Posh's bob reason revealed

Who said it best:

CelebNewsWire has the most descriptive recappage of why Posh changed her hairstyle:

Some speculated that it was a way to balance out her terrible, terrible boobs, some said she wanted to spark a new trend, but the truth of the matter is that the penile ministrations of husband David Beckham were hearty enough to cause her extensions to fall out. In essence, he f&cked her weave off.

Image via Dlisted

007 or maybe even 8 or 9

The story:
Judi Dench claims her Casino Royale co-star is packing a weapon.

The combatants:
Defamer says: 007 emasculation watch: Judy Densch adds 'size queen' to her royal acting resume
CelebNewsWire says: Daniel Craig: The new John Holmes
Celebitchy says: Judi Densch says that Daniel Craig's pen1s is an absolute monster. Ow!
Reality Rant says: Pen1s Royale

Who said it best:
I think Celebitchy will definitely be at the theatre opening night:

When I read that all I could picture was the final scene in “Boogie Nights,” and I got a little woozy thinking about the possibilities for “Casino Royale.”

Jake's jiggly Gyllen-bits

The story:
Recent photos of Jake Gyllenhaal were rather revealing in the pants area.

The combatants:
The Superficial says: Jake Gyllenhaal shows off his penis
A Socialite's Life says: Jake Gyllenhaal's anatomy
Mollygood says: Jake Gyllenh...All the boys on display
Dlisted says: Panty creamer of the day: Jake Gyllenhaal
Towleroad says: Jake Gyllenhaal sets it free
City Rag says: Jake Gyllenhaal goes commando

Who said it best:
City Rag shows some sympathy:

Poor little Jake Gyllenhaal. Despite tricky manuevers, he can't make a move these days without a mob of photogs taking close-up shots, followed by careful scrutiny from his fans. These recent candids of him walking in NYC's West Village take it to new level and show Jake likes a little wiggle in his walk...

Ass flap

The story:
Nicole Richie showed some butt while table dancing at Area.


The combatants:
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie flashes her panties
Egotastic says: Nicole Richie upskirt saved by underwear
A Socialite's Life says: It's not Paris
Mollygood says: Name that. Ass Flapjack
CelebNewsWire says: Nicole Richie shocker: Ass fat!
Dlisted says: Get off the damn table!!

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire must have read my mind:

We are shocked that Nicole Richie has enough body fat to fashion a cushion in the assal area.