Desperate no more

The story:
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are engaged.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Desparate Housewife Eva getting married
Dlisted says: Tony Parker is going to regret this
Haute Gossip says: Engaged!
I'm Not Obsessed says: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are engaged
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker make marriage their first step towards divorce
Popsugar says: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker engaged!
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Eva Longoria to be a desparate housewife to Tony Parker
Tabloid Whore says: Tony Parker pops the question

Who said it best:
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! is not thrilled by this announcement:

Oh no, now we are not going to stop hearing all about her wedding plans.

Image via Haute Gossip

Since we didn't get that sex tape...

The story:
Britney Spears' first husband Jason Alexander is going to write a book about his time with the pop tart.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney's horrible taste in men will haunt her until the day she dies
Best Week Ever says: Britney's first poor marriage decision adorably lapping up last drops of his own relevance
Celebitchy says: Britney's first husband to write tell-all book
CelebNewsWire says: In lieu of Britney vag, we bring you Britney sex tales
Lainey Gossip says: Britney: everyone has a story
Popsugar says: Everybody's talking about Britney

Who said it best:
Celebitchy explains why Alexander decided to write the tell-all now:

He claims there’s no way he would get back with Britney again. This seems to be a turnaround from his previous statements that he still loves her. Chances are he saw her once-coveted snatch online like the rest of us.

Image via lime-light.org

AA? But Paris said she was a coked-out whore!

The story:
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly spotted outside an AA meeting at 7:30am.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: From now on, nothing but catblogging
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay in AA?
Best Week Ever says: Lindsay L has some bad news for the country's comedy writers
CelebNewsWire says: Lindsay Lohan finally does something sensible
Defamer says: It's like, yeah motherfucker, I'm making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself (12st book)
Dlisted says: Linds in AA?!
Egotastic says: Lindsay Lohan is an alcoholic
Faded Youth says: L.L. in A.A.
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Lindsay Lohan is an alcoholic
Lainey Gossip says: Lilo: no dirty face at GQ
Mollygood says: Lindsay Lohan woke up at 7:30?!?
Popsugar says: Lindsay attends GQ & AA
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Is Lindsay Lohan going to AA?
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Lindsay Lohan is in AA?

Who said it best:
Defamer is concerned about the ripple effect that this news could have on the gossip industry:

A gossip-bomb dropped in today's Page Six could soon have the tabloids bracing for massive layoffs, paparazzi seriously exploring the possibility of returning to law school, and cause the immediate shuttering of up to a third of Hollywood's most exclusive nightclubs: Lindsay Lohan may have decided it's time to dry out

The View is a little blurry for DeVito

The story:
Danny DeVito was drunk when he appeared on The View to discuss his new movie "Deck the Halls."



The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Danny DeVito had to get loaded just to endure Elisabeth Hasselback, thousands come out in support
Best Week Ever says: Unemployment check: DeVito's low tolerance shocker
Celebitchy says: Video of drunk Danny DeVito on The View
Celebrity Hijinx says: Drunkity drunk
Defamer says: Danny DeVito figures out secret to dealing with ladies of 'The View'
Mollygood says: Night and day
Tabloid Whore says: Danny DeVito toasty on The View?

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life places the blame with the sexiest drinking buddy alive:

You know Clooney was like "Danny, m'boy, that blond skirt might be ok to look at, but she's real f*cking annoying. Drink up!"

New nose, now she's perfect

The story:
Cameron Diaz had her nose fixed because she couldn't breathe properly after breaking it.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Cameron Diaz still claims her nose job is medically necessary
Dlisted says: Cameron Diaz: "I'm perfect!"
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Cameron Diaz finally got her schnoz fixed
Popsugar says: Cameron is perfect
The Superficial says: Cameron Diaz talks about marriage, her new nose

Who said it best:

I Don't Like You In That Way is not buying Cameron's reasons for the surgery:

Which, of course, would be a great excuse if we didn't know she's always had a big man-honker.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Kfed is a cheater as well as a deadbeat

The story:
Kfed reportedly cheated on Britney with porn star Kendra Jade.

The combatants:
Allie is Wired says: Kevin Federline cheated on Britney Spears with Kendra Jade?
A Socialite's Life says: Kfed messed around with porn star?
Best Week Ever says: The more you (wish you didn't) know: Kfed's other woman
Dlisted says: Did Kfed cheat on Britney with her?
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Kevin Federline cheated with porn star
Lainey Gossip says: Kfed and Kendra Jade...and Lukas Rossi?
Popsugar says: Did Kfed cheat with a porn star?
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline cheated on Britney Spears with a porn star

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever thinks Kfed's new lady is a keeper:

It’s good to see that Kevin’s moving up in the world. It’s about time he found himself a girl he could take home to mom.

Image via The Superficial

PETA critiques celeb fashion

The story:
Nicole Richie topped PETA's 2006 worst dressed list.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: PETA's after Nicole Richie
Best Week Ever says: PETA picking of every tiny actress
Popsugar says: Do you agree with PETAs worst dressed?
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie pisses off PETA
Tabloid Whore says: PETA unveals 2006 worst dressed list

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever is grateful for the critique:

Nicole’s a bitch, Ashley’s anorexic, Christina has a giant forehead and Eva plays a whore on TV. If those aren’t reasons to stay away from fur, I don’t know what is. Thanks PETA!

Image via A Socialite's Life

The power of the Borat

The story:
Page Six is reporting that Pam and Kid's marriage failed over a fight about her appearance in Borat.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Cultural learnings of homewrecking for make benefit Borat
A Socialite's Life says: Borat, not drunken shot-gun wedding, wrecked Pam and Kid Rock's marriage
Celebitchy says: Borat causes Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock split
Defamer says: Borat now accused of ending doomed celebrity marriages
Dlisted says: Pam's marriage ends due to Borat?!?
Glitterati Gossip says: Did 'Borat' break up Pam and Kid Rock?
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Borat broke up Pam and Kid
Mollygood says: Shocker! Kid Rock is kind of a dick
Popsugar says: The reason behind Pam and Kid's split?
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Blame Borat for Pam and Kid's divorce
The Superficial says: Borat breaks up Pam Anderson and Kid Rock
Tabloid Whore says: Kid Rock is an angry, insecure man

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way thinks Kid needs a little perspective on the situation:

Pam's had more condoms inside her than a gas station bathroom. If her playing pretend with Borat makes you jealous, you've got problems. She's done worse things with your friend when you run to the store to get more beer.

Is Owen going to propose?

The story:
Owen Wilson was spotted looking at engagement rings with his mother.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Is the Butterscotch Stallion ready to settle down?
Celebitchy says: Owen Wilson might be popping the question to Kate Hudson
Glitterati Gossip says: Is Owen planning to pop the big Q?
The Gossip Fix says: Owen Wilson is engagement ring shopping for Kate Hudson
Haute Gossip says: Christmas engagement for Kate and Owen?
Holy Candy says: Hear those wedding bells?
In Case You Didn't Know says: Owen Wilson goes ring shopping
Popsugar says: Owen shops for a ring
Showbiz Vixen says: Owen Wilson to propose
The Superficial says: Owen Wilson to propose to Kate Hudson

Who said it best:
Holy Candy is not surprised at the news:

It's about time. She's been single for, what, four months now?

Image via Popsugar

Let's hope it was filmed post-Knoxville

The story:
Rumours are swirling about a Jessica Simpson - Nick Lachey sex tape that may have fallen into the wrong hands (ie Papa Joe Simpson).

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson's dad owns a video camera
CelebNewsWire says: Jessica Suckson caught on tape
Egotastic says: Jessica Simpson sex tape!!!!!!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Simpson has a sex tape
Tabloid Whore says: Jessica and Nick named in latest sex tape rumor
Yeeeah says: Jessica Simpson sex tape

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way worries about the tape's effect on Nick:

If anybody should be horrified about seeing this sex tape, it's Nick Lachey. It'd be like a Vietnam vet hearing a firecracker.

Image via Egotastic

Who could it be?

The story:
Nicole Richie posted a *blind* item on her MySpace.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Nicole Richie gains a few pounds and a backbone
A Socialite's Life says: I'm guessing Nicole's split with Rachel Zoe wasn't too amicable
Best Week Ever says: Anorexic finger pointing escalates to poorly worded, error-ridden MySpace blog
Celebitchy says: Nicole Richie vs. Rachel Zoe, it's on
CelebNewsWire says: "Tasty former stylist skewers" -- the closest Nicole Richie gets to food
Defamer says: Nicole Richie's MySpace blog a place for writing blind items about former friends
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie's blind item
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie posts blind item
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Rachel Zoe is a good guess
I'm Not Obsessed says: Nicole Richie vs Rachel Zoe: the battle continues
Mollygood says: Raisin lettuce face cup vs. N-rich: fight

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life isn't really taking sides, but...:

In the stylist's defense, I have to give her some credit for making Nicole look half-way human.... Does anyone else recall a lot of pink halter tops and denim shorts way back on The Simple Life season one?

Hair today, gone tomorrow

The story:
Jessica Simpson reportedly lost a contract with Miu Miu because she insisted on using Ken Paves as a stylist.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: A girl with some serious hair loyalty
Lainey Gossip says: Jessica Simpson: compromised by assy hair
Popsugar says: Jessica misses out on Miu Miu
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Ken Paves costing Jessica Simpson jobs?

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip understands why Jess would stick with her mane man:

But perhaps it’s a good thing…that Jessie’s staying close to the trailer, not willing to alienate the only folks who find her appealing.

Mother Paris

The story:
Paris and Britney went shopping in LA, and Paris was photographed holding SPF.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney's comeback continues to take a dark turn
Dlisted says: Kfed now has a case in this custody battle thing
The Gilded Moose says: 'This scarf is heavy,' by Paris Hilton
Haute Gossip says: No one can help you if you won't help yourself
Popsugar says: Will Britney turn into Paris?

Who said it best:
Dlisted is worried about SPFs medical well-being:

Why?! What did that kid do to deserve a STD? I mean now that Paris has touched him you know he has one.

Image via Splash News

More TomFat wedding news

The story:
Janet Charleton reports that Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his Armani suit because he'd gained 20 "emotional eating" pounds prior to the wedding.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tom Cruise hasn't left the house without lycra on these hips since he was 16 years old
Celebitchy says: Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his wedding suit
CelebNewsWire says: Tom Cruise gets fashion tips from your grandma
Haute Gossip says: Tub-o Tommy needed a girdle for that tux
Hollywood Rag says: Tom Cruise wore a girdle
Janet Charleton's Hollywood says: Tom Cruise: it's a cinch
Spank Cheeks says: Cruise admits to being an emotional eater

Who said it best:
Spank Cheeks gives us a vision the newlyweds honeymoon:

I can only imagine how Kate was feeling as she donned her L. Ron Hubbard Mask and watched him slink out of that sexy number.

Ho Ho Ho and I don't mean Merry Christmas

The story:
The Trifecta of Trash were photographed out partying together.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Yeah, this is a step up
A Socialite's Life says: Huh?
Dlisted says: That was fast: Brit, Paris and Lohan back together
Egotastic says: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em: Lindsay Lohan makes nice with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
Hollywood Rag says: Bottoms down Britney Spears
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Lindsay Lohan is pathetic
I'm not Obsessed says: I'm confused! Are Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan fighting or what?
Lainey Gossip says: Paris and Lindsay and the Britney sandwich
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says:
Mollygood says: Lindsay is finally one of the Mean Girls
Popsugar says: The new threesome: Lindsay, Brit, and Paris
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears complete unholy trinity

Who said it best:
The Superficial is worried about the signals these 3 are sending:

I'm a little rusty on the Bible but I'm pretty sure this is at least one or two signs of the apocalypse. You put these three together in a car and whatever disease crawls out will most likely end the world. It'll be a strain of STD so great and powerful it'll have claws and a face and be the size of a full grown bear.

Image via X17 online

Four weddings and a divorce

The story:
Pam Anderson filed for divorce from Kid Rock after 4 wedding ceremonies and 4 months of marriage.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Pam Anderson does not promise to love, honor and cherish
A Socialite's Life says: Pam kicks the Rock
Best Week Ever says: It's time for Kid to tell the kids that daddy won't be coming home anymore
Celebitchy says: Woah! Pam Anderson filed for divorce from Kid Rock
CelebNewsWire says: Pam Anderson puts her enormous fake breasts back on the market
Celebrity Hijinx says: That didn't take long
Defamer says: Pamela Anderson's latest doomed marriage fizzles before the 5 month itch
Dlisted says: Pam Anderson files for divorce
Haute Gossip says: Pam has filed for divorce
Hollywood Rag says: Pamela Anderson files for divorce
Lainey Gossip says: No PamRock, no marriage
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: What is this world coming to?
Mollygood says: Pam and Kid flee the altar. Well, that was quick
Popsugar says: Pam Anderson and Kid divorce
The Superficial says: Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock divorce
Tabloid Whore says: Doh! Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock divorcing

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire is stunned by the news:

we thought Pam and Kid's shared love of plastic palookas contrained by teeny bikinis, PBR, and rabbit-like sex in public (we assume) would be enough to last at least a year or two.

Image from GQ via Haute Gossip

JHo cumming soon

The story:
Jennifer Lopez is not happy about an upcoming porn titled "Jenny on the c*ck".

The combatants:
Dlisted says: A Jennifer Lopez biopic
Glitterati Gossip says: JLo steamed about the JHo film
Hollywood Daily says: Jennifer Lopez spoofed in porn movie
I'm Not Obsessed says: Jennifer Lopez to be spoofed in x-rated film
Yeeeah says: JLo porno

Who said it best:
Yeeeah doesn't think the movie's producers put much effort into the name:

“Jenny on the Cock”? That’s the best they could do? Please.

At least she's still wearing panties

The story:
Britney and Paris are still partying like BFF, in LA this time, and Britney managed to flash her panties for the paparazzi.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney slumming again
Celebrity Hijinx says: Rock out with her cock out (almost)
Dlisted says: The STD twins are out again!
Egotastic says: Britney Spears joins the upskirt club
Gossip or Truth says: Britney and Paris part II
Haute Gossip says: Double your pleasure
Lainey Gossip says: Britney & Paris: inseparable in LA
Mollygood says: This used to be Kfed's playground
Popsugar says: Britney makes it so hard
The Superficial says: Britney Spears takes lessons from Paris Hilton

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip would like to be a fly on the wall when these party girls hit the club:

Given that she willingly married Kevin Federline and was pimped into superstardom by her parents before learning how to spell properly, Britney’s intellectual capabilities likely hover somewhere around Jessica Simpson’s and since we all know Paris Hilton is as dumb as f&ck (thank you Tina Fey), I can’t even imagine the size of the cerebral black hole that undoubtedly opens up in the universe whenever these two get together.

Image via Britney.com

Top Gum

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding kiss lasted 3 minutes to the horror of most of the guests.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tom lasted 3 minutes
Best Week Ever says: The first and last kiss
Haute Gossip says: Ew gross, the never-ending kiss
Lainey Gossip says: Tom & Katie: more UNintimate details
Popsugar says: The Tom and Katie kiss
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kiss forever

Who said it best:
There was a reason for the extended liplock, and Haute Gossip has the scoop:

Maybe they were passing secret scientology messages?

Canoodling Simpsons part 2

The story:
Page Six reports that Ashlee Simpson and the very married Taye Diggs were spotted on a *date* in New York.

The combatants:
Allie is Wired says: Ashlee Simpson and Taye Diggs?
A Socialite's Life says: Oh hell Naw
The Blemish says: Ashlee Simpson and Taye Diggs get cozy
Egotastic says: Ashlee Simpson totally wants Taye Diggs
Holy Candy says: Taye Diggs and Ashlee Simpson?!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Joe Simpson isn't going to like this
I'm Not Obsessed says: Ashlee Simpson and Taye Diggs dating?
Mollygood says: How Ashlee got her groove back

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life wonders about Taye's mindset:

I'm sorry, but I don't even like the idea that those two would be friends. I mean, Taye, please tell me you're more interesting than that.

Image via I Don't Like You In That Way

Here's your clue: Miss Lohan in the Chateau with the cocaine

The story:
The National Enquirer is reporting that Lindsay Lohan overdosed at the Chateau Marmont on November 12 but refused to be taken to hospital after a doctor revived her.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay drug overdose?
The Bosh says: Lindsay Lohan's cocaine overdose - doc hides drugs in a panic?
Egotastic says: Lindsay Lohan drug overdose
Haute Gossip says: Did Lindsay OD?
Lainey Gossip says: Lilo OD?
Popsugar says: Lindsay Lohan overdosed?
Tabloid Whore says: The National Enquirer reports: Lindsay Lohan overdosed on cocaine and pills

Who said it best:
Egotastic seemed to be expecting this story:

It was only a matter of time, but the first headline proclaiming that Lindsay Lohan had a drug overdose has finally been published.

Image via Egotastic

Britney's got no sense of hee-haw

The story:
Britney Spears was uninformed about and unamused by Jimmy Kimmel's Kfed sketch at the AMAs.



The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Sketch gets Britney pissed
Celebrity Smack says: Britney upset at Kfed skit at AMAs
Mollygood says: Britney does not encourage drowning Kfed
Popsugar says: Britney furious over Kimmel sketch
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Britney and Kfed didn't find Jimmy Kimmel's jokes funny at the AMAs
The Superficial says: Britney Spears can't take a joke

Who said it best:
The Superficial doesn't understand Britney's problem with the skit:

Too soon to be joking about murdering your ex-husband? A little too soon? Considering the stuff he says about her you'd think she came up with the idea for the sketch herself.

Jessica and John back on, not in Wonderland yet

The story:
Jessica Simpson is dating John Mayer again / still.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: John Mayer and Jessica Simpson once again joined at their personal level of mediocrity
Dlisted says: Are John Mayer and Jessica Simpson back at it?
Hollywood Tuna says: Is Jessica Simpson drunk on love?
Lainey Gossip says: Joe Simpson at work, Jessica and John redux
Mollygood says: Jessica's body possible re-elevated to Wonderland status
Popsugar says: Jessica and John making it work

Who said it best:
Lainey Gossip may be feeling disappointed by the non-existence of the Brit/Kfed video:

I say hope John hangs in there. Because in combination with his dating criteria, his fondness for golden showers, and the skills she picked up from Johnny Knoxville in a Louisiana trailer, this relationship could spin off the dirtiest, raunchiest celebrity sex tape ever.

Lilo's longwinded condolence letter

The story:
Lindsay Lohan released a rambling message of condolence over the death of Prairie Home Companion director Robert Altman.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Lindsay sends her condolences
Best Week Ever says: If you know Lindsay Lohan, please don't die
Celebrity Hijinx says: Robert Altman dies, Lindsay Lohan rambles
Defamer says: To her credit, Lindsay Lohan obviously didn't delegate her condolence writing obligations to her publicist
Dlisted says: Blohan goes on and on...
Mollygood says: Dear Lord, who let Lindsay Lohan write her own statement?
Popsugar says: Lindsay mourns Robert Altman
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan shouldn't be allowed to write

Who said it best:
Mollygood has taken Lohan's condolence advice to heart:

It rules. Consider my "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself underway.

Chaotic yes, Erotic no

The story:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline claim that there is no video of them having sex, and they certainly have never been filmed playing chess.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: No masturbatory fodder for you
Best Week Ever says: Is Kfed rich?
Celebitchy says: Kfed says sex tape does not exist, but if it did he's totally cash in
CelebNewsWire says: Oops..I dildo'd it again just a figment of your imagination
Defamer says: Spears and Federline to kill your sex tape dreams
Dlisted says: Kfed confirms there's no sex tape
Glitterati Gossip says: What? No sex tape?
Hollywood Rag says: Kfed's attorney denies sex tape
Mollygood says: The day the music, and by music I mean the opportunity to see what the Kfed is packing, died
The Superficial says: Kfed says there is no sex tape
Tabloid Whore says: You can calm down now. No Britney/Kevin sex tape exists
Yeeeah says: There is no sex tape

Who said it best:
Despite the existence of all that is Chaotic, Agent Bedhead is inclined to believe these two former love monkeys:

I’m leaning towards the tape never existing. Primarily because of the claims they played the random game of chess while taking a break from their marathon lust fest. Claiming that one of them has the cognitive abilities to play chess is stretching the B.S. factor. Claiming both of them know how to play, well that dog just don’t hunt.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

'Stars are Blind' has that effect on a lot of people

The story:
Paris Hilton puked onstage as she attempted to lip-synch her way through a couple of songs from her craptastic album.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: 'Stars are Blind,' the Paris Hilton review
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton empties her stomach on stage
Celebitchy says: Paris pukes onstage while trying to lipsynch to her album
CelebNewsWire says: After showing her panties, Paris gets pukey
Defamer says: Paris Hilton puke-synchs her way through a Vegas performance
Dlisted says: Too much jizz
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton drinks, pukes and leaves
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Paris Hilton pukes in public
Mollygood says: Water crotch spews
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton pukes onstage
Yeeeah says: Paris Hilton pukes onstage

Who said it best:
Yeeeah thinks it must have been quite a performance:

Class act, that Paris. Puke on yourself, flash your herpes, admire yourself in a mirror, toungue kiss a stranger, maybe vomit again. Being a socialite is very demanding work.

Nicole Richie looking for some style

The story:
Nicole Richie has fired her long-time stylist, hag-face Rachel Zoe.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole Richie breaks up with her stylist
Dlisted says: Where is she going to get her heroin now?
Glitterati Gossip says: Nicole Richie snags Jessica Biel's stylist
Haute Gossip says: Just say GO! Go away!
Popsugar says: Nicole's fresh start
Yeeeah says: Nicole Richie fires Rachel Zoe

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life is not a fan of Zoe's lollipop gang:

That's right, bitch. That's one less bobble-head for your Army of Tiny and Starving Soldiers of Darkness.

Orly and Kiki canoodle

The story:
Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst were seen canoodling at the Chateau Marmont.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Orlando and Kirsten get it on
Best Week Ever says: Doomed celeb love is "in bloom"!
CelebNewsWire says: More crazy than beautiful
Dlisted says: They kind of belong together
Egotastic says: Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom are totally doing it
Hollywood Rag says: Kirsten Dunst is dating Orlando Bloom
Mollygood says: Kirsten and Orlando happen to be standing next to each other while mutally single, relationship ensues
Popsugar says: Kirsten and Orlando's relationship blooms
The Superficial says: Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst get it on

Who said it best:
While Mollygood has the best headline, Dlisted manages to explain the hook-up:

Orlando must be a homosexual, because he has the worst taste in women.

Image via Mollygood

Kelly Ripa bitchslaps Gayken

The story:
Kelly Ripa is upset that Clay Aiken put his hand over her mouth to shut her up while he was guest hosting on Live.



The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Kelly Ripa wants Clay Aiken to keep his hands off her mouth
Best Week Ever says: Unemployment Check: Catfight, Ripa v Aiken
Celebrity Hijinx says: Ripa rippin' Clay a new asshole
Dlisted says: Kelly Ripa was not happy about this!
Lainey Gossip says: Kelly Ripa hates the maybe gaybe Claybe
Pen15 Club says: Clay Aiken smears santorum in Kelly Ripa's mouth, allegedly
Starpulse says: Clay Aiken angers Kelly Ripa

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever wonders why Clay did it:

We’re not sure what motivating factors led to this. Maybe Clay was trying to be funny, or maybe he was just overcome with curiosity and wondered what a woman feels like.

Non-surprise of the week

The story:
Pete Doherty was arrested in London for having crack cocaine in his car.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Doherty diety report: crack at it again
A Socialite's Life says: Pete Doherty gets pinched for crack cocaine for like the one jillionth time
Celebitchy says: Pete and Repeat got in a boat. Pete got arrested for drugs...
CelebNewsWire says: And he still gets to pork a model
Dlisted says: Huge and surprising news
Lainey Gossip says: Junkie Pete rises again - Kate better with Leo?
Popsugar says: Pete back on crack?

Who said it best:
Dlisted has a positive outlook about the situation:

I do think that a good thing can come out of this for Pete. He’s bound to be in the Guinness World Records for being the biggest crackhead or being arrested the most times without serving actual jail time.

Image from Getty Images via Dlisted

I was onstage doing a bit, yada yada yada, arrived at Betty Ford this morning

The story:
Michael Richards reportedly used the 'N' word in his act at the Laugh Factory over the weekend.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Kramer pulls a Mel Gibson
Best Week Ever says: Kramer's racist rant the best thing to happen to Paul Rodriguez's career since Born in East LA
Celebitchy says: Kramer cements his status as a punchline
CelebNewsWire says: Michael Richards racist tirade
Defamer says: Kramer's new racist material not exactly a hit at the Laugh Factory
Dlisted says: WTF happened to Kramer?!
Hollywood Rag says: Cosmo Kramer's racist rant video
Mollygood says: What is the deal with Kramer?
Popsugar says: Michael Richards makes Jerry (and us) sick
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Michael Richards uses the n word on stage
The Superficial says: Michael Richards is a racist clown
Tabloid Whore says: Michael Richards single-handedly self destructs career in one evening

Who said it best:
Is it deja vu all over again? Defamer thinks so:

TMZ has video of the incident, which should retain its replay value long after his publicists issue a press release explaining that the comedian has checked into Promises Malibu to battle the alcohol-fueled demons that would make him say such hateful things about a minority group.

Herpes Anonymous meeting in Vegas

The story:
Britney Spears was spotted partying in Vegas over the weekend with Parasite Hilton, and Mario Lopez (?), and at one point without her pants.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Britney Spears heads to Vegas and hangs with Mario Lopez
Best Week Ever says: You had us, you lost us
CelebNewsWire says: Paris & Britney: sisters in sex tapes
Celebrity Hijinx says: Odd couple
Dlisted says: What and why?!
Egotastic says: Signs of the Apocalypse: Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are friends
Glitterati Gossip says: Paris and Britney, new BFF
Haute Gossip says: Oh Brit, we had such hope for you
Hollywood Rag says: Britney Spears parties with Paris Hilton
Lainey Gossip says: Hollywood Ebola infects Britney
Mollygood says: Britney wooed over to the dark side
Popsugar says: Britney and Paris: girls gone wild
The Superficial says: Britney Spears drops her pants in public
Tabloid Whore says: Britney dumps one piece of trash in exchange for another

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx may have an explanation for the Hilton encounter:

While it looks like the two were out partying in Vegas, I think the only two possible reasons these two might be together are 1. chance encounter 2. Britney was asking for advice about Kevin's gift that keeps on giving.

Image via Splash News

Only 9 years, 362 days to go for Katie

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were *married* in Italy on Saturday.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Tom Cruise, blah blah blah
A Socialite's Life says: Katie Holmes is officially now Kate Cruise
Celebitchy says: TomKat marriage ceremony is over, whether it's real is up to debate
CelebNewsWire says: Tom Thumb takes a bride
Celebrity Hijinx says: It's official
Dlisted says: Tom and Katie make their fake relationship official
Haute Gossip says: TomKat make it legit
Hollywood Rag says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding pics
Lainey Gossip says: Wedding legality, the reaction, and sterility too?
Mollygood says: Tom and Katie wed...in a cave...?
Popsugar says: Tom and Katie are officially married
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so married
Tabloid Whore says: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding photo

Who said it best:
Like the official wedding photo? The Superficial is also a big fan of its composition:

If you check out the wedding photo you'll notice Tom Cruise is standing taller than Katie Holmes which isn't the case at all. Some will probably argue they asked Katie to squat under her wedding dress or some other demeaning nonsense but I'm sticking to my original theory: the magic of Scientology

Mean girl tells the truth

The story:
Tina Fey told Howard Stern that Paris Hilton is a "piece of shit."

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Tina Fey's not a Paris Hilton fan
Best Week Ever says: Live from New York, it's ON bitch
CelebNewsWire says: Paris Hilton: a braless "piece of shit" with chancres
City Rag says: Tina Fey on why Paris Hilton sucks
Gawker says: Tina Fey reveals that Paris Hilton is dumb
Hollywood Rag says: Shanna Moakler says Paris Hilton has herpes
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Tina Fey is honest
Lainey Gossip says: Tina Fey vs Hollywood Ebola
The Superficial says: Tina Fey speaks the truth

Who said it best:
The Superficial is a real fan of Fey:

But if [being a hero] means calling Paris Hilton a tranvestite on national radio then by golly Tina Fey is a hero. Some might even say the greatest hero ever to have lived.

Heidi's Stud Farm

The story:
Heidi Fleiss has hired Mike Tyson to be the main attraction at her Nevada brothel for women.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: You sexy beast
A Socialite's Life says: Want to f**k Mike Tyson?
Celebitchy says: Mike Tyson to be a male prostitute for Heidi Fleiss
Celebrity Hijinx says: Why pay when he'll rape you for free?
Dlisted says: Oh sick! Mike Tyson's gonna be a hooker!
Tabloid Whore says: Heidi Fleiss gives Mike Tyson a job at the stud farm

Who said it best:
Dlisted thinks there may be a niche market for Tyson out there:

Ok if you’re into a rape fantasies or getting banged by Mickey Mouse then this could work for you.

LiLo hates bush

The story:
Lindsay Lohan was seen out in London with suspicious looking marks on her wrist, which her publicist says were caused by a bush.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Damn girl, we didn't know it was that serious
Best Week Ever says: Lohan's wrist watch
Celebitchy says: Lindsay's a cutter!
CelebNewsWire says: Lindsay Lohan: scars 'n' snatch
Celebrity Hijinx says: Cuttin' lines
Dlisted says: Crackheads get cut up a lot
Hollywood Rag says: Lindsay Lohan's mysterious wrist cuts
Lainey Gossip says: Lindsay Lohan: self-harming?
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan is suicidal, possible lesbian
Yeeeah says: Lindsay Lohan is a cutter

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx thinks Lindsay did her holiday shopping early this year:

Lindsay's rep says she "fell in a bush." Sounds like someone got an early Christmas present -- lessons at Elliot Mintz School of BS and PR.

Look out kids, it's Brangelina

The story:
Angelina Jolie's security guards were accused of pushing children and their parents outside a school where she is currently filming.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Brad meets with police
Defamer says: Indian mothers stampede location shoot to save children from unwanted Jolie adoption
Dlisted says: Surprise, surprise
Glitterati Gossip says: Angelina bodyguards arrested
Lainey Gossip says: Pitt protection out of control, the Pitts in NO?
Popsugar says: Angelina's bodyguards strike again
Seriously? OMG! WFTF?! says: Angelina Jolie's bodyguards shove parents picking up their kids from school
The Superficial says: Angelina Jolie's bodyguards push around kids

Who said it best:
The Superficial understands how the problem came about:

Yeah, I can see the confusion. Paparazzi and school children can look so alike. One is about 10-years old and wears a backpack, and the other is around 40 and comes running at you with 30 lbs of camera equipment yelling "Who did you sleep with last night?!" They might as well be identical twins.

Image via Dlisted

New work out buddies?

The story:
Jessica Biel is reportedly dating Derek Jeter.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Derek Jeter is now my sworn enemy
A Socialite's Life says: Derek Jeter in 7th Heaven
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: Jeter rounds the bases with Jessica Biel
CelebNewsWire says: Derek Jeter gets to first base with Jessica Biel
Egotastic says: Jessica Biel loves sports and Derek Jeter
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Biel is taken
Popsugar says: Jessica Biel finds a match
The Superficial says: Jessica Biel and Derek Jeter get it on

Who said it best:
Agent Bedhead isn't thrilled about the new couple:

Let this serve as notice Ms. Biel, we’re finished. Over. Done. Fineto. When he drops you for the woman voted Esquire dubs the “sexiest woman alive” in 2006 don’t come crawling back to me.

Images via The Superficial and A Socialite's Life

Ben strikes a JLo blow

The story:
Ben Affleck says he was miserable with Jennifer Lopez.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Ben admits he dodged a gigantic bullet
Celebitchy says: Fake relationship quotes by Ben Affleck
Celebrity Nation says: Ben relieved he never married JLo
Haute Gossip says: Ben says JLo made him feel "suffocated, miserable, and gross"
Popsugar says: Ben admits that whole JLo thing sucked
Starpulse says: Ben Affleck regrets getting engaged to Jennifer Lopez

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life thinks JLo got the short end of the stick:

Affleck might be the very definition of himbo, but he was smart enough to get while the gettin' was good. Did you see what Ms. Lopez ended up with?

GQs obsession

The story:
GQ magazine named Lindsay Lohan their Obsession of the Year.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Lindsay Lohan, one pissed off bitch
CelebNewsWire says: GQs a little obsessed with Lohan
Celebrity Hijinx says: WT not GQ
Defamer says: GQ reveals Lindsay Lohan's post-clubbing ritual
Dlisted says: Blohan in another slutty photoshoot
Egotastic says: GQ says they are obsessed with Lindsay Lohan and so am I
Mollygood says: Autoerotic conflagration
Popsugar says: Lindsay is GQs obsession of the year
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan is a sarcastic bitch

Who said it best:
Dlisted lets us in on LiLo's celebratory secrets:

GQ named Lindsay Lohan its “Obsession of the Year” and she celebrated by opening her legs and bending over for a photoshoot.

Suri in Rome

The story:
Tom and Katie were photographed with Suri in Rome.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: TomKat takes Suri Cruise out in public
CelebNewsWire says: Suri lives
Dlisted says: Suri is real
Haute Gossip says: Egad! It's really Suri
Lainey Gossip says: Little Sci full face!
Mollygood says: Suri's just pissed that Dad keeps copping her hairstyle
Tabloid Whore says: Suri hits the town with Mommy & Daddy

Who said it best:
Mollygood gets the goods on Tom's upcoming wedding style:

Tom just wishes he could cover up his baby chub with a frilly little dress like Miss Suri can.

Image via Dlisted

Sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

The story:
Michelle Rodriguez is dating The L-word's Kristanna Loken.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Loken are lovers
CelebNewsWire says: Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez may be RodrigLEZ
Celebrity Hijinx says: Outing the outed
Defamer says: Kristanna Loken Insists Sound Of Michelle Rodriguez Shouting 'When You Coming Back To Bed, Baby?' Entirely In Reporter's Imagination
Dlisted says: Michelle Rodriguez is sort of outed
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Michelle Rodriguez was outed
Mollygood says: Michelle Rodriguez may be dating Shane's new girlfriend
Yeeeah says: Michelle Rodriguez is a gay. Maybe.

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire hopes Kristanna had permission for this outing:

We're not sure if Kristanna is just jerking our collective bird here, or if she's actually coyly outing her chick chum. If the latter is indeed the case and you are the praying sort, please say a few words for the soul of Kristanna Loken, because, well, have you seen Michelle Rodriguez? She could tear a person's limbs off in one bloody, vicious bite.

Image via I Don't Like You In That Way

It was no thriller

The story:
Michael Jackson's comeback performance at the World Music Awards sucked, after he performed part of "We Are The World" and not "Thriller" as expected.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: World Music Awards crowd goes gaga over Michael Jackson
Best Week Ever says: Fear and loathing at the World Music Awards
Celebitchy says: Michael Jackson doesn't do Thriller, warbles some of We are the World
Defamer says: Faces of career death: Michael Jackson's failed comeback
Dlisted says: Jacko fails to thrill
Hollywood Rag says: Michael Jackson's comeback was a bust
Mollygood says: Michael Jackson is the world
Popsugar says: Michael Jackson cost the WMAs a lot
The Superficial says: Michael Jackson sucks balls, not childrens

Who said it best:

Best Week Ever gets inside Jackson's red carpet performance:

If you’ve ever wondered what it might sound like inside the batty brain of Michael Jackson, I would say it’s one part Hunter S. Thompson on a 4 day ether binge, one part Blue’s Clues, one part Liz Taylor and one part scary boat ride from the original Willy Wonka movie.

If the network fits, you must watch sh*t

The story:
OJ Simpson will appear on a new Fox tv special talking about how he hypothetically could have killed Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: OMG OJ, just stop talking
Best Week Ever says: OJ hypothetically confesses to hypothetically killing two people. Hypothetically.
Defamer says: Fox anticipates huge ratings for upcoming reality special, 'When (and if) former Heisman trophy winners (were to) attack'
Dlisted says: O.J. is doing what?
Hollywood Rag says: O.J. Simpson must have killed her
Mollygood says: Well, first I would find a glove that, get this, doesn't quite fit
Tabloid Whore says: OJ to tell in television interview how he "hypothetically" killed Ron and Nicole

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever wonders about the title of the new show:

Fox has dubbed it “the interview that will shake the nation.” Because “the interview that will sneak up on the nation and stab them numerous times” would be just a little too much. Hypothetically.

Image via Hollywood Rag

George is the hotness

The story:
People Magazine names George Clooney as Sexiest Man Alive for the 2nd time.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: George Clooney is sexy?
A Socialite's Life says: George Clooney crowned prom king
Celebitchy says: George Clooney is the sexiest unattainable man alive
Defamer says: George Clooney featured on 'People' cover, proud to say he is a content sexiest man alive
Dlisted says: Sexiest man alive?
Glitterati Gossip says: People Magazine names George Clooney sexiest man alive
Haute Gossip says: This is IT ladies & gents
Lainey Gossip says: It's George
Mandy's Mind is Gossipy says: Thank you People Magazine!
Mollygood says: George ties "two-time" Brad
Popsugar says: George is the sexiest man alive - again
The Superficial says: George Clooney is sexiest man alive

Who said it best:
Agent Bedhead is not on board with People's choice:

I think they neglected to specify the Year Of 1994. Pesky details.

Awesome comeback dude

The story:
Kfed left a note in his dressing room at a recent *concert* after finding out Britney was divorcing him.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Kfed's thoughts and feelings are beautiful...
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: Fed-Ex leaves Britney a Fresnoian High-ku message in his dressing room
Celebitchy says: Kfed writes message to Britney on bathroom wall
CelebNewsWire says: Kevin Federline presents: F*uck a wife
Defamer says: The Graffitti of Truth Part II: the emancipation of Kfed
Dlisted says: Kfed is beyond mentally retarded
The Gilded Moose says: Nelson Mandela, Harriet Tubman hail Kfeds manifesto of freedom
Lainey Gossip says: Kfed: the black marker message
The Superficial says: Kfed writes mean stuff on doors
Tabloid Whore says: Federline abuses shower door in letter to "the ladies"

Who said it best:
Defamer reads between the lines to find the purpose to this Sharpie scribble:

It's entirely possible that Federline intended this message (which calls to mind his estranged wife's immortal Graffiti of Truth) to serve as a simultaneous filing of a divorce counter-suit and a child custody claim, hoping to bypass the luxury of prohibitively expensive legal counsel.

Eva looking for rumour-monger

The story:
Eva Longoria and Beyonce will not play lesbian lovers in a movie, as previously reported.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Smiling as she rips Phin's heart out
A Socialite's Life says: Eva Longoria discredits lesbian rumor
CelebNewsWire says: Eva will not tip Beyonce's velvet
Defamer says: Eva Longoria dispels baseless rumor of making interesting career choice
Dlisted says: Beyonce and Eva are not dyking out anytime soon
Hollywood Rag says: Eva Longoria won't be Beyonce's lesbian lover
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Eva Longoria won't be tipping Beyonce's velvet
Popsugar says: Beyonce and Eva will not be lesbian lovers

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way doesn't really buy Longoria's righteous indignation:

The person(s) who started this "rumor" shouldn't be worried. Eva's lawyers were likely paid by her to track you down so they can send you a simple "Thank You" letter for keeping that boring and overexposed pseudo "sex symbol" on the radar.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Stick-ole claims surgery didn't happen

The story:
Nicole Richie stated on her MySpace that she did not have gastric bypass surgery.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole Richie addresses rumors on her blog
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie responds to gastric bypass rumours
Egotastic says: Nicole Richie bitches MySpace style
Haute Gossip says: Nicole responds to the not so blind item
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie goes to McDonald's
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Nicole Richie is pissed off
Mollygood says: Nicole uses MySpace to set the record straight, EMO style
Popsugar says: Nicole addresses the surgery rumours
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie denies gastric bypass
Tabloid Whore says: Nicole says she didn't do it

Who said it best:
Tabloid Whore thinks Nicole's denial is pretty crafty:

Oh Nicole, you are so sneaky! You are so good with your facts and I loves how you don't deny that you ever had gastric bypass surgery, only that you haven't had it reversed. Tee Hee! Let's go have a hamburger for the cameras!

Image via The Superficial