No, no just no

The story:
In a story that he must have planted himself as some kind of sick twisted practical joke, George Clooney is reportedly dating Pamela Anderson.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: George Clooney hates his penis
Cele|bitchy says: George Clooney get your cootie shots!
CelebNewsWire says: Does this mean a George Clooney public face-licking is in our future?
Dlisted says: This isn't helping those gay rumors
Faded Youth says: Does George Clooney have a new beard?
Gabsmash says: Pam Anderson is dating George Clooney
The Superficial says: Pamela Anderson and George Clooney might be dating

Who said it best:
Cele|bitchy is looking on the bright side:

The only good thing about this hook-up is that we can be sure it won’t last long.

Image via Agent Bedhead

Is there another bun in that overexposed oven?

The story:
Britney Spears is rumoured to be pregnant with her 3rd child. No word on who the father might be.


The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Britney has got to keep her knees shut
A Socialite's Life says: Oh Brit-Brit, say it ain't so
Best Week Ever says: Out of ideas for improving her image, has Britney gotten herself pregnant again?
Celebitchy says: Please don't let Britney be pregnant again
Defamer says: Does Britney have a bun of indeterminate parentage in the oven?
Dlisted says: Is Brit Brit knocked up again?
Egotastic says: Please tell me Britney Spears isn't pregnant again
Popsugar says: Britney pregnant again???
Tabloid Whore says: Rumors swirl that Britney is pregnant again
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Again?

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever can smell a comeback in the works:

But what better way to repair her polluted reputation in the eye of the press than bringing another life into the world, perhaps one who’s not even sure which wifebeater-wearing Vanilla Ice wannabe is its father - and is likely braindamaged due to its mother’s constantly mainlining Smirnoff Ice mixed with Red Bull?

Paris' new rock

The story:
Paris Hilton was spotted wearing a large ring on her left hand, fueling speculation that she may be engaged to Stavros Niarchos -- or she's just fucking with us all for some publicity that doesn't require her to flash her cooter.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Paris flashing something other than her vagina
Dlisted says: Please, she got that from a cracker jack box
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton's supposed engagement is as fake as that ring
Faded Youth says: Does Hilton have a new man and BFF?
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Is Paris engaged?
I'm Not Obsessed says: Is Paris Hilton engaged to Stavros Niarchos?
Mollygood says: Gentlemen, retire your penises, Paris Hilton may be off the market forever
Popsugar says: Is Paris engaged again?
Seriously? OMG! WTF?! says: Is Paris Hilton engaged or is it a publicity stunt?
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton is engaged. Maybe

Who said it best:
Most don't believe that this signals an actual engagement, but in any case A Socialite's Life has some sound advice for Stavros:

That poor Niarchos bastard. Run for the hills, buddy. That is - if your pin hasn't fallen off yet from all the disease.

Image via Popsugar

Chaotic yes, Erotic no

The story:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline claim that there is no video of them having sex, and they certainly have never been filmed playing chess.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: No masturbatory fodder for you
Best Week Ever says: Is Kfed rich?
Celebitchy says: Kfed says sex tape does not exist, but if it did he's totally cash in
CelebNewsWire says: Oops..I dildo'd it again just a figment of your imagination
Defamer says: Spears and Federline to kill your sex tape dreams
Dlisted says: Kfed confirms there's no sex tape
Glitterati Gossip says: What? No sex tape?
Hollywood Rag says: Kfed's attorney denies sex tape
Mollygood says: The day the music, and by music I mean the opportunity to see what the Kfed is packing, died
The Superficial says: Kfed says there is no sex tape
Tabloid Whore says: You can calm down now. No Britney/Kevin sex tape exists
Yeeeah says: There is no sex tape

Who said it best:
Despite the existence of all that is Chaotic, Agent Bedhead is inclined to believe these two former love monkeys:

I’m leaning towards the tape never existing. Primarily because of the claims they played the random game of chess while taking a break from their marathon lust fest. Claiming that one of them has the cognitive abilities to play chess is stretching the B.S. factor. Claiming both of them know how to play, well that dog just don’t hunt.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

Eva looking for rumour-monger

The story:
Eva Longoria and Beyonce will not play lesbian lovers in a movie, as previously reported.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Smiling as she rips Phin's heart out
A Socialite's Life says: Eva Longoria discredits lesbian rumor
CelebNewsWire says: Eva will not tip Beyonce's velvet
Defamer says: Eva Longoria dispels baseless rumor of making interesting career choice
Dlisted says: Beyonce and Eva are not dyking out anytime soon
Hollywood Rag says: Eva Longoria won't be Beyonce's lesbian lover
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Eva Longoria won't be tipping Beyonce's velvet
Popsugar says: Beyonce and Eva will not be lesbian lovers

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way doesn't really buy Longoria's righteous indignation:

The person(s) who started this "rumor" shouldn't be worried. Eva's lawyers were likely paid by her to track you down so they can send you a simple "Thank You" letter for keeping that boring and overexposed pseudo "sex symbol" on the radar.

Image via A Socialite's Life

Stick-ole claims surgery didn't happen

The story:
Nicole Richie stated on her MySpace that she did not have gastric bypass surgery.

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Nicole Richie addresses rumors on her blog
Dlisted says: Nicole Richie responds to gastric bypass rumours
Egotastic says: Nicole Richie bitches MySpace style
Haute Gossip says: Nicole responds to the not so blind item
Hollywood Rag says: Nicole Richie goes to McDonald's
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Nicole Richie is pissed off
Mollygood says: Nicole uses MySpace to set the record straight, EMO style
Popsugar says: Nicole addresses the surgery rumours
The Superficial says: Nicole Richie denies gastric bypass
Tabloid Whore says: Nicole says she didn't do it

Who said it best:
Tabloid Whore thinks Nicole's denial is pretty crafty:

Oh Nicole, you are so sneaky! You are so good with your facts and I loves how you don't deny that you ever had gastric bypass surgery, only that you haven't had it reversed. Tee Hee! Let's go have a hamburger for the cameras!

Image via The Superficial