Paris' privates on view for $40

The story:
A new website is selling off some of Paris Hilton's belongings that were left in a storage locker, including nude photos and video.


The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Paris Hilton for sale
Best Week Ever says: Latest scandalous "Paris site" confirms everything we already knew about Paris Hilton
Cele|bitchy says: Paris' precious moments
CelebNewsWire says: "I got f*cked in the butt for coke!"
Defamer says: Today's opportunity to see Paris Hilton engaging in videotaped sex acts
Dlisted says: Do you really want to see Paris taking a bubble bath?
Egotastic says: Paris Hilton exposed...again
FHollywood Rag says: Paris Hilton exposed
I Don't Like You In That Way says: You can buy Paris Hilton's crap
Mollygood says: Paris Hilton overexposed
Popsugar says: Paris very very very exposed
The Superficial says: Paris Hilton gets exposed
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Paris Hilton is for sale

Who said it best:
No need to spend the 40 bucks yourself when Best Week Ever will sum up the site's contents for you:

So there you have it - sift through a little of Paris’ trashy trash and have your minds blown by all the documented evidence suggesting that she’s kind of slutty and stupid.

Let's hope it was filmed post-Knoxville

The story:
Rumours are swirling about a Jessica Simpson - Nick Lachey sex tape that may have fallen into the wrong hands (ie Papa Joe Simpson).

The combatants:
A Socialite's Life says: Jessica Simpson's dad owns a video camera
CelebNewsWire says: Jessica Suckson caught on tape
Egotastic says: Jessica Simpson sex tape!!!!!!
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Jessica Simpson has a sex tape
Tabloid Whore says: Jessica and Nick named in latest sex tape rumor
Yeeeah says: Jessica Simpson sex tape

Who said it best:
I Don't Like You In That Way worries about the tape's effect on Nick:

If anybody should be horrified about seeing this sex tape, it's Nick Lachey. It'd be like a Vietnam vet hearing a firecracker.

Image via Egotastic

JHo cumming soon

The story:
Jennifer Lopez is not happy about an upcoming porn titled "Jenny on the c*ck".

The combatants:
Dlisted says: A Jennifer Lopez biopic
Glitterati Gossip says: JLo steamed about the JHo film
Hollywood Daily says: Jennifer Lopez spoofed in porn movie
I'm Not Obsessed says: Jennifer Lopez to be spoofed in x-rated film
Yeeeah says: JLo porno

Who said it best:
Yeeeah doesn't think the movie's producers put much effort into the name:

“Jenny on the Cock”? That’s the best they could do? Please.

Chaotic yes, Erotic no

The story:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline claim that there is no video of them having sex, and they certainly have never been filmed playing chess.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: No masturbatory fodder for you
Best Week Ever says: Is Kfed rich?
Celebitchy says: Kfed says sex tape does not exist, but if it did he's totally cash in
CelebNewsWire says: Oops..I dildo'd it again just a figment of your imagination
Defamer says: Spears and Federline to kill your sex tape dreams
Dlisted says: Kfed confirms there's no sex tape
Glitterati Gossip says: What? No sex tape?
Hollywood Rag says: Kfed's attorney denies sex tape
Mollygood says: The day the music, and by music I mean the opportunity to see what the Kfed is packing, died
The Superficial says: Kfed says there is no sex tape
Tabloid Whore says: You can calm down now. No Britney/Kevin sex tape exists
Yeeeah says: There is no sex tape

Who said it best:
Despite the existence of all that is Chaotic, Agent Bedhead is inclined to believe these two former love monkeys:

I’m leaning towards the tape never existing. Primarily because of the claims they played the random game of chess while taking a break from their marathon lust fest. Claiming that one of them has the cognitive abilities to play chess is stretching the B.S. factor. Claiming both of them know how to play, well that dog just don’t hunt.

Image via Gallery of the Absurd

Sean Preston and Jayden James will be so proud of dad!

The story:
Kevin Federline is reportedly shopping a sex tape that he made with Britney Spears when they first got together.

The combatants:
Celebitchy says: Will Kfed get $50 mil for a real sex tape?
CelebNewsWire says: Federlines only marketable asset: Britney sex tape
Dlisted says: Is Kfed selling the Britney sex tape?
Egotastic says: This Britney Spears sex tape has been brought to you by Kevin Federline
Glitterati Gossip says: Is Kfed blackmailing Britney?
Hollywood Rag says: Kevin Federline might sell a sex tape
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Britney Spears is almost a porn star
Mollygood says: ...but do we really want to see Kevin's O-face?
The Superficial says: Kevin Federline to sell sex tape
Yeeeah says: Britney sex tape to hit the net

Who said it best:

CelebNewsWire is getting a little tired of the Federlines:

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline.

Is Scar-Jo the mystery BJ woman?

The story:
There may be an audio sex tape of Scarlett Johannson floating around.

The combatants:
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: The mystery of the ScarJo sex tape
CelebNewsWire says: ScarJo ScarBlo?
Dlisted says: A Scarlett Johannson sex tape?!
Egotastic says: Scarlett Johannson sex tape?
Spank Cheeks says: The Scarlett Letter
Suicide Girls says: The Scarlett Letter: mystery sex tape stirs controversy

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever is hoping the story is true:

This is one of two things: Either, it’s greatest hoax of the year; or, the greatest thing to happen to celebrity sex tapes… maybe ever?

Image via Mollygood

This'll make you Screech

The story:
Dustin Diamond (aka Screech from Saved by the Bell) has his very own sex video!


The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Oh fuck
The Superficial says: Dustin Diamond has a sex tape
Defamer says: Horseman of the sex-tape apocalypse about to deliver Screech scat video
Dlisted says: Say it ain't so Mr Belding! Screech Powers has a sex tape!
Mollygood says: Screech sleeps soundly at night knowing that Zach Morris would never actually attempt the Dirty Sanchez
Best Week Ever says: Sizzler: The Dirty Screech
CelebNewsWire says: Oh Screech, oh oh oh
Celebitchy says: Screech from 'Saved by the Bell' in new amateur porn flick
I Don't Like You In That Way says: Screech is almost a porn star
Hollywood Rag says: The Dustin Diamond threesome sex tape

Who said it best:
Best Week Ever encourages you to think before you link:

Once the tape finds its inevitable home on the Internets, we’re all going to have to ask ourselves a very serious - and very important - question: will we watch it?