That's some spot on casting

The story:
Tom Cruise is reportedly casting Victoria Beckham as an alien princess in an upcoming Scientology movie he is producing.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Victoria Beckham is an alien life form
Defamer says: Kirstie Allie enraged that Tom Cruise didn't first consider her for alien bride role in fictional 'thetan' movie
Dlisted says: Type casting
Hollywood Tuna says: Victoria Beckham to play a fake breasted alien in Scientology film
Metadish says: Another star is born
Popsugar says: Tom casts Victoria as an alien

Who said it best:
Metadish is already impressed with Posh's acting chops:

Victoria Beckham will further legitimize her career by starring as an alien bride in the Scientology film, The Thetan. The movie's director, Tom Cruise, says he chose Beckham because she is a "comic genius." The Acadamy should probably just give her an Oscar right now.

Image via Agent Bedhead

The wedding as recruitment strategy

The story:
Jim Carrey and Jennifer Lopez may be Scientology's newest members, thanks in part to Tom Cruise.

The combatants:
Defamer says: Jim Carrey and Jennifer Lopez's suppressive reps deflect rumors of Scientology involvement
Dlisted says: The Scientologists may have caught 2 more
Faded Youth says: Have JLo and Carey gone to the dark side?
Glitterati Gossip says: Does Scientology have 2 new recruits?
Haute Gossip says: Scientology snags some more
Hollywood Rag says: Jennifer Lopez and Jim Carrey convert to Scientology
Popsugar says: Tom and Katie successful Scientology recruiters?
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! says: Is Tom Cruise the ultimate Scientology recruiter?
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: JLo and Jim Carrey are crazy now too

Who said it best:
Seriously? OMG! WFT?! doesn't understand why these 2 image conscious celebs would make the move to Scientology now:

Don’t they know Scientology is so passe?

Image via Abaca Press

Only 9 years, 362 days to go for Katie

The story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were *married* in Italy on Saturday.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: Tom Cruise, blah blah blah
A Socialite's Life says: Katie Holmes is officially now Kate Cruise
Celebitchy says: TomKat marriage ceremony is over, whether it's real is up to debate
CelebNewsWire says: Tom Thumb takes a bride
Celebrity Hijinx says: It's official
Dlisted says: Tom and Katie make their fake relationship official
Haute Gossip says: TomKat make it legit
Hollywood Rag says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding pics
Lainey Gossip says: Wedding legality, the reaction, and sterility too?
Mollygood says: Tom and Katie wed...in a cave...?
Popsugar says: Tom and Katie are officially married
The Superficial says: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so married
Tabloid Whore says: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding photo

Who said it best:
Like the official wedding photo? The Superficial is also a big fan of its composition:

If you check out the wedding photo you'll notice Tom Cruise is standing taller than Katie Holmes which isn't the case at all. Some will probably argue they asked Katie to squat under her wedding dress or some other demeaning nonsense but I'm sticking to my original theory: the magic of Scientology

Nice undies

The story:
Katie Holmes spent $3000 on wedding night lingerie.

The combatants:
Agent Bedhead says: The mysterious behaviour of one Katie Holmes
A Socialite's Life says: Tom is looking forward to the $340 thong
Best Week Ever says: Katie blows three grand on lingerie that will ultimately be ignored
CelebNewsWire says: Katie Holmes' pricey lingerie is not useless, she swears
Defamer says: Tragically optimistic Katie Holmes buys lacy underthings for wedding night
Glitterati Gossip says: TomKat wedding watch: the lingerie details!
The Scoop says: Katie spends $3,000 on wedding lingerie
Yeeeah says: Katie Holmes buys expensive panties

Who said it best:
CelebNewsWire gets a little misty eyed for the next Mrs Cruise:

We thought there was no sadder sight in the world than the look on our niece's face when we stole her mint chocolate chip waffle cone that time we were really hungry, but were we to see Katie Holmes on her wedding night, bedecked in expensive jewel-encrusted lingerie and being talked down from a Toblerone binge by the telephone presence of Victoria Beckham while Tom squeezed in one last auditing session (Sample excerpt: "You love vaginas, Tom. They are soft and warm and give life. And you especially love the vagina of your wife, Katie, as it brought forth future Church overlord Suri. You can't wait to return to your hotel and touch it.), that would truly be heartbreaking.

Things that make you go hmmm

The story:
Suri Cruise's birth certificate has come out of hiding. No sign of baby.

Image via TMZ

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Suri Cruise has landed
Defamer says: Suriwatch: The paper trail
Jossip says: A birth certificate does not a Suri Cruise-Holmes make
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Suri Cruise is suspicious
Mollygood says: Suri Cruise and the most suspect birth certificate ever
Tabloid Whore says: Suri Cruise's birth certificate uncovered. Millions of people now trying to figure out if it was faked.
The Superficial says: Suri Cruise birth certificate
Popsugar says: Suri exists on paper

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx uncovers our real interest in the story:

Suri Cruise seems to have more conspiracy theories than the assassination of JFK.

Audit this!

The story:
Jenna Elfman verbally attacked indie film producer John Roecker for wearing a "Scientology is Gay" t-shirt.

Image via Defamer

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Scientology is gay. And crazy. Very crazy
Defamer says: Jenna Elfman attacks man in glib t-shirt
TMZ says: When Elfman's explode
Dlisted says: Jenna Elfman is CRAZY
A Socialite's Life says: Jenna Elfman defends her religion
Best Week Ever says: Scientologists fight drugs, clever t-shirts

Who said it best:
Poor Jenna. First the t-shirt mocks her religion, then everyone that reports on the incident does the same. Celebrity Hijinx may have found the cause of the outburst:

Someone obviously forgot to take their vitamins that day.