Another child star in trouble

The story:
Haley Joel Osment crashed his car (a 1995 Saturn!) and had to be taken to the hospital.

Image via Tabloid Whore

The combatants:
Tabloid Whore says: 'I see dead people' kid flips his car in crash
Mollygood says: Child actor reemerges; unfortunately it was from under a car
Celeb NewsWire says: Osment can't drive 55
The Superficial says: Haley Joel Osment is in the hospital
Defamer says: Haley Joel Osment finally grows up

Who said it best:
Celeb NewsWire takes the obvious play on words one step further:

Although, as he was being wheeled into the ambulance, he reportedly whispered, "I see drunk people."

Brenda Walsh will break your heart

The story:
Shannen Doherty has a new show coming out where she helps people to end relationships.


The combatants:
Popsugar says: Shannen tries for love
A Socialite's Life says: Shannen Doherty back on tv where she belongs
Defamer says: Let Shannen Doherty do the dirty break-up work for you
Junkiness says: Watch out, Shannen is the new Ashton

Who said it best:
Defamer recaps the show's premise:

On Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty, you can now part ways with that special, dead weight in your life by having the one-time Aaron Spelling muse do it for you in front of an intimate audience composed of Oxygen network's viewership

Blow-han

The story:
Lindsay Lohan was photographed *simulating* oral sex on the set of her new movie.

Image via Celebrity Hijinx

The combatants:
Celebitchy says: Lindsay Lohan gives a BJ in public
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Ummm, what is Lindsay Lohan doing?
The Superficial says: Lindsay Lohan might be making porn
Mollygood says: Lohan practices her craft
Popsugar says: Lindsay Lohan caught in the act
Faded Youth says: Lindsay Lohan: girls gone wild
Defamer says: Lindsay Lohan finally gets to 3rd base
Celebrity Hijinx says: Lindsay is blowing them away in Hollywood

Who said it best:
WWTDD has the scoop on LL's new movie:

Okay, so these are obviously for a movie, shot yesterday on the set of 'Georgia Rule', a classic heart warming tale of a journey to the back of Lindsays throat.

Things that make you go hmmm

The story:
Suri Cruise's birth certificate has come out of hiding. No sign of baby.

Image via TMZ

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: Suri Cruise has landed
Defamer says: Suriwatch: The paper trail
Jossip says: A birth certificate does not a Suri Cruise-Holmes make
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Suri Cruise is suspicious
Mollygood says: Suri Cruise and the most suspect birth certificate ever
Tabloid Whore says: Suri Cruise's birth certificate uncovered. Millions of people now trying to figure out if it was faked.
The Superficial says: Suri Cruise birth certificate
Popsugar says: Suri exists on paper

Who said it best:
Celebrity Hijinx uncovers our real interest in the story:

Suri Cruise seems to have more conspiracy theories than the assassination of JFK.

McDrunko fall down go boom

The story:
Matthew McConaughey partied hard in Costa Rica.

Image via Celebrity Hijinx

The combatants:
Celebrity Hijinx says: How to lose a hunk with 10 pills
Haute Gosspi says: THIS is the sexiest man alive?
Celebitchy says: Matthew McConaughey parties it up for the 4th of July
Mollygood says: World's Sloppiest Man
US Weekly Online says: Matthew McC gets his groove on
TMZ says: McConaughey's lost weekend
Dlisted says: When gays go wild

Who said it best:
TMZ has an explanation for the hard partying:

Matthew McConaughey celebrated his independence from former girlfriend Penelope Cruz with a three-day bender in Costa Rica over the Fourth of July weekend.

The (stupid) apple doesn't fall far from the (stupid) tree

The story:
Kathy Hilton accidentally mistook Bryant Gumbel for Star Jones Big Gay Husband Saturday night at a Hamptons party.

Image via Mollygood

The combatants:
Dlisted says: The worse thing you could say
A Socialite's Life says: Hilton mix-up
Mollygood says: Hiltons, never ones to mince words
Jossip says: Paris is her mother's daughter

Who said it best:
A Socialite's Life tries to find an out for Hilton:

But it's not like Star can really get upset with Kathy for her confusion. Star herself has frequently confused Al with her straight husband, who clearly does not exist.

Pirate's treasure: a sunken chest

The story:
Keira Knightley denies being anorexic, despite showing up at the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere looking like a treasure chest of bones in Davy Jones locker.

Image via Haute Gossip

The combatants:
Haute Gossip says: Keira Knightley NOT anorexic, thank you very much
Dlisted says: Sweaty disco crack-ho
The Superficial says: Keira Knightley isn't anorexic
Hollywood Rag says: Keira Knightly blasts anorexia claims
What Would Tyler Durden Do says: Keira Knightley is just fine

Who said it best:
There seems to be a general feeling of disbelief out there regarding Kiera's denials. Haute Gossip put it best:

Keira says she's does NOT have an eating disorder, in fact she's shocked we all think so. What does she expect when she shows up looking like a Solid Gold dancer coming off a 3 day bender?